Merchandising for a Now-Older 'Star Wars' Crowd

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Padme Amadala and Anakin Skywalker action figures

Padme Amadala and Anakin Skywalker action figures from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Hasbro hide caption

itoggle caption Hasbro

Satirists Kluger and Slavin come up with a line of movie merchandising for the older Star Wars fans. Since the franchise is now over 25 years old, the veteran fans don't need action figures, they need Depends.


Later this week, the final "Star Wars" epic, "Revenge of the Sith," opens. It caps a three-decade run for the blockbuster series. When the series began in 1977, "Star Wars" took movie merchandizing to new heights. The question now is what kind of merchandise will appeal to veteran "Star Wars" fans. Well, satirists Bruce Kluger and David Slavin think they know the answer.

Unidentified Man #1:

Are seasonal allergies making you sound like this?

(Soundbite of Darth Vader-like breathing)

Unidentified Man #1: The itchy, watery eyes; the runny nose; that annoying tickle in the back of your throat? Then you need new Jedi-nase from the "Star Wars" family of home health-care products. Jedi-nase attacks your worst allergy symptoms at the speed of light, giving you 24-hour non-drowsy relief. With Jedi-nase, you can go from this...

(Soundbite of Dart Vader-like breathing)

Unidentified Man #1: this...

Mr. JAMES EARL JONES: (From CNN station identification) This is CNN.

Unidentified Man #1: And try our other "Star Wars" home health-care products specially created for those original "Star Wars" fans who first caught the magic a long time ago in a multiplex far, far away--like Growbacca, the miracle hair-growth treatment for male pattern baldness, guaranteed to give you lustrous, shiny, full-bodied Wookiee hair or your money back.

(Soundbite of Chewbacca's voice)

Unidentified Man #1: Or Oil of Yoda anti-aging wrinkle cream with unique blend of age-defying ingredients. Oil of Yoda nourishes and replenishes, giving you healthy, younger, greener-looking skin that's out of this world.

Unidentified Man #2: (Imitating Yoda) Wrinkles have I? Not anymore. Buy you this now.

Unidentified Man #1: And if your light saber has lost its glow, try R2-D2 ED for erectile dysfunction. With R2-D2 ED, the force will definitely be with you--for up to four hours.

(Soundbite of R2-D2's robotic sounds)

Unidentified Man #2: And coming soon: Boba Fett beta blockers, Jar Jar's fen-phen, Jabba the Hutt's gastric bypass staples. And for our senior "Star Wars" fanatics, the Skywalker walker.

The "Star Wars" family of home health-care products available at Walgreens, Rite-Aid, or online at

BLOCK: "Star Wars" satire from Bruce Kluger and David Slavin.


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