Eight Steps to Reducing Pain at the Pump

In today's Unger Report, Brian Unger presents an eight-point plan that can help you reduce your oil consumption this summer.

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ALEX CHADWICK, host:

Okay, deficit spending in American households may be because of the price of gasoline. It's a subject for today's Unger Report. With the summer driving season coming up, Brian Unger offers some creative solutions to lowering prices at the pump.

BRIAN UNGER reporting:

Gas prices will not fall in the short-term, unless consumers reduce the demand. So the Unger Report releases its eight-point plan for cutting back on oil consumption this summer.

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UNGER: Point one, stay home and get drunk on martinis, garnished with a twist. Stay away from the olives, avoid the goldfish, don't be picking at oily peanuts--you've got to save on oil wherever you can.

Point two, as a family, protest something this summer.

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UNGER: Immigration policy, the war, the UN, anything. The upside of protest in any form it involves merely walking, carrying a banner and raising a fist.

Point three for cutting back on oil, turn your home into colonial Williamsburg. Churn butter, knit, fight or drum, at night, for fun, you'll watch the sunset, swat mosquitoes off each other's backs--it was good enough for out fore fathers.

The fourth point in the Unger Report eight-point plan, at Wendy's, Taco Bell, McDonald's, where ever you consume your transfats, walk through the drive-thru. French fries won't get stuck in your car seat, just in your pants.

Point five...

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UNGER: ...if you love taking corners with power, speed and steering through twisting curves, buy a new battery-powered razor or toothbrush. Tearing through stubble and plaque, it's almost like driving, but on your face.

The sixth point, take a petroleum-free walking vacation this summer. Walk the Freedom Trail, do Sherman's march to the sea, reenact the life of Johnny Appleseed, recreate the discoveries of Lewis and Clark, but without all the venereal disease. Stay away from Washington D.C., though, that calls for the greasing of palms.

Point seven, take communion. Get baptized; go have a personality test at the Church of Scientology. E-meters, what do they run on? personality. Avoid anointments, however they involve the use of oil.

The eighth point, if you really want to drive the price of gas down this summer, become a roadie for Willie Nelson.

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UNGER: You'll hang out with Willie on his bio-fuel tour bus, listen to music and smoke copious amounts of weed. You call that sacrifice?

And the Unger Report eight-point plan for cutting back on oil involves a bonus ninth point, just sit in your car and listen to NPR until your battery dies.

And that is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger.

CHADWICK: The Unger Report is just one of many fine NPR features now available as a Podcast. You can listen to us anywhere, anytime you want to. To find out more, go to our Web site; it's npr.org.

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