So I've spent the last hour chortling over this feature I found on McSweeney's. And over the fact I'm getting paid to do this. But anyway, over the past couple of years, John Moe has written a number of "Pop Song Correspondences."
They're all great... here's just a sample from "Concerning Jon Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead or Alive":
I realize many of you have become cynical about the all-points bulletins issued for dangerous criminals. I'm sure you think they're essentially all the same and that only the names have changed. But I urge you to pay close attention in your pursuit of Mr. Jon Bon Jovi. He's wanted. Wanted dead or live.
Who is Bon Jovi? Well, to begin with, he's a cowboy. Granted, it's fairly routine for cowboys to run afoul of the law, especially in the winter, when the work and money dry up and they've got time on their hands. Plenty of petty-theft and lewd-behavior calls. But that's not what we're up against. Bon Jovi is no regular cowboy. He rides a horse made of steel. A steel horse. I am not sh***ing you. And don't think this is some sort of comical clunky robot horse with whimsical hydraulic sound effects and extraneous flashing lights. This thing is exactly like a Thoroughbred, only much larger and made from an incredibly resilient alloy. Bullets can't even penetrate this horse, much less stop it. Bon Jovi is also armed with a loaded six-string that he carries on his back. Reports differ on whether he uses it as a sort of crossbow or whether it's actually a guitar that he plays with such shocking mastery as to render victims helpless. Regardless, take heed.
Update: John Moe just e-mailed me and pointed out that he hosts a show at KUOW in Seattle, occasionally comments on All Things Considered and is the author of Conservatize Me: How I Tried to Become a Righty with the Help of Richard Nixon, Sean Hannity, Toby Keith, and Beef Jerky. More info available at conservatizeme.com.
Moe did not divulge his connections with Romanian intelligence, and in fact, denied the whole thing. But he would, wouldn't he?