Hey, Baby! What's Your Threat Score?

Copyright © 2006 National Public Radio®. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

BRIAN UNGER: Fly in or out of the U.S. and you'll be hit by the most advanced targeting system in the world.

MIKE PESCA, host:

With today's Unger Report, it's humorist Brian Unger.

UNGER: ATS, Automated Targeting System. It's passenger screening without taking off your shoes. But why is ATS so effective?

(Soundbite of music)

UNGER: First, it's automated. No more messy interactions with cold, uncaring TSA people. Now you'll deal with cold, uncaring computers. Second, it targets -you. So when there's a mistake, it's intentional. And third, it's a system, a bureaucratic, impenetrable labyrinth beyond citizen redress. Brought to you by the Department of Homeland Security, the Automated Targeting System will analyze your travel plans and personal data.

Are you terror-worthy or just a honeymooner using frequent flyer points who likes trail mix and a window seat? That's the beauty of ATS. All you have to do is plan travel abroad by air, land or sea, then show up for your trip.

ATS quietly does the rest, analyzing where you're from, your DMV records, how many wives have you sponsored for immigration. That's when ATS really goes to work, assigning you a number that's placed into your personal file for 40 years. Not since Social Security has there been a promise this big from the Federal government.

Like a bad credit rating, a bad ATS score keeps you so unemployed, you can't afford a wife, let alone a plane ticket. Concerned about privacy? ATS makes a pledge to keep your score a secret - from you. Think of it as an invisible tattoo that only federal, state, local and foreign governments can see and that courts and private contractors can use for hiring or granting licenses, security clearances, contracts and benefits. Now, that's a tattoo without the worry of unsterile needles.

But now and then, a targeting system misses its target. That's why there's the custom and border protection's customer satisfaction unit, to help people uncover the source of an ATS score, but not change the score itself. In the 40 years it'll take you to find this office, your wrong score won't matter anyway. Because you'll be too old, broke or dead to travel abroad. ATS. You won't leave home without it.

And that is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger. $00.00

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