New Year's Resolutions with Celebrity Help

Planning to do great things in 2007 is as simple as following the lead of our many, many dysfunctional celebrities. Let the healing begin.


Humorist Andy Borowitz has his New Year's resolutions all ready to go, and it's going to be a tough year for our resident fake-news guy.

ANDY BOROWITZ: In the past, I've made the mistake of making New Year's resolutions that are impossible to keep. But 2007 is going to be a different story. What kind of year do I have in mind for Andy Borowitz? Something like this.

I resolve to start the year by weaving in and out of lanes on the Pacific Coast Highway. Now, I don't live in California, nor do I have any travel plans that might take me there, nor do I drive. But I'm not going to let any of those things stop me.

Once the cops pull me over, I resolve to the best of my ability to determine the ethnic background of the arresting officer and then hurl the appropriate slurs in his or her direction. Determining a police officer's ethnic background is no mean feat, especially when your blood alcohol level is at 1.9. But it's my resolution, and I'm sticking with it.

After YouTube has a field day with my misfortunes, I resolve to explain the incident on Oprah, or maybe "The View." Unfortunately, I'll show up for my TV appearance even more hammered than I was on the PCH.

Humiliated in front of millions of viewers, I will take full responsibility for my misbehavior by firing my publicist. No longer muzzled by my so-called professional handlers, I'll take my case for forgiveness directly to the American people by writing an impassioned op-ed piece. In it, I'll say that I don't know the origins of the hatred that came spilling forth from me on that fateful night, but I'll pledge to do the personal work necessary to find out who put that hatred there and bring that person or persons to justice.

This essay will go a long way to making amends with the people I have hurt, until some blogger with too much time on his hands reveals that large passages of it were plagiarized from an episode of "St. Elsewhere." Once again, I will be forced to confront the consequences of my actions by firing my research assistant.

From there, I envision my behavior getting dramatically worse. As we roll into next fall, I see myself A) touching an employee inappropriately, B) exposing myself for the benefit of paparazzi, and C) signing a book contract with Judith Regan.

Now, given the kind of year I am predicting for myself, I think the best thing I could do at this point is to call a meeting between me and the leaders of every ethnic group in America, as well as some representative of "St. Elsewhere," and preemptively ask for forgiveness.

2007 is going to be a difficult year for all of us, but if we can get the communication going now, we'll all get through it stronger and better than ever. Let the healing begin.

SEABROOK: Andy Borowitz is the author of "The Republican Playbook" and master of the Borowitz Report Web site.

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