Polishing the Apple iPhone

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Steve Jobs of Apple is known for his ability to imagine a product that has all the bells and whistles the market loves. Humorist Brian Unger imagines some features for the new Apple iPhone that Jobs overlooked.


By now, you've heard the call. Apple wants you to buy a new cell phone. The problem is, the much-hyped iPhone won't actually go on sale until June. So until then, consumers can do little but wait. Brian Unger isn't just waiting, though, he's dreaming of the wonders of an iPhone future. Here is the Unger Report.

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BRIAN UNGER: If only there was a cell phone that would allow you to record a dictator's execution and listen to your favorite songs at the same time. Or record a comic's racist rant in a club, while listening to a podcast of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. Well, now there is, a cell phone with a camera, a Web browser, a digital music player and more.

The new iPhone. Apple packed in everything, including the kitchen sink. That's right, every iPhone comes with its own kitchen sink. What other company offers a cell phone so loaded with features and then lets you wash vegetables in it?

But the iPhone goes even further. Want to break up with your girlfriend or your boyfriend but lack cojones? The new iPhone will do the breaking up for you, the way you like it - over the phone but with a twist. While he or she is getting dumped, your iPhone plays a soundtrack to make the moment special. Some would call that cruel. At Apple, it's called revolutionary.

Unidentified Man: Mom, mom you're breaking up. I can't hear you. Mom, what? I'll call you back.

UNGER: Tired of weak cell phone signals? With the iPhone, dropped calls are history. That's because each iPhone comes with its very own courier pigeon living inside. Imagine that, a rat with wings, living right inside your phone. Apple imagined it, so when you're out of range, you're not out of touch.

Do you like mashed potatoes, creamy buttered and lightly salted? Now you can have them whenever you want with whatever you're eating. That's because the new iPhone makes mashed potatoes, too. It's all that and a bag of chips, literally. Each iPhone is jammed pack with delicious potato chips, in case you prefer your starches fried and crispy.

You'll wash it all down with an ice cold beer stored inside the iPhone's refrigerator. Sounds fattening, doesn't it? No worries. Using the iPhone will not only make you look thinner, but if you don't lose 15 pounds in the first six weeks of using the iPhone, we'll refund the $499 purchase price no questions asked.

The iPhone prevents cavities, makes you win in Vegas, tells your boss he's an ass, changes your cat's litter box, walks your dog when it rains. The new iPhone is the first electronic voting machine that actually works. And here's the best thing about the iPhone: It will find Osama Bin Laden and your car keys when you lose them. Can your cell phone do all that?

This device has not been authorized as required by the rules of the Federal Communications Commission. Use of the term iPhone subject to positive resolution of a legal dispute between Apple, Cisco Systems and the family of Alexander Graham Bell. Side effects from use include social disassociation disorder, stiffness of the index finger and insufferable superiority complex.

The new iPhone from Apple, not seeing is believing. And that is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger.

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