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Checking Into Image Rehab

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Checking Into Image Rehab

Checking Into Image Rehab

Checking Into Image Rehab

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The recent spat of bad behavior by several celebrities means it's time for image makeovers. What would life be like inside an image rehab clinic?

ALEX CHADWICK, host:

Rehab is not just for addicts and alcoholics. Lately, celebrities and other public figures who've gotten caught doing or saying something embarrassing have been checking themselves into rehab centers. In today's Unger Report, Brian Unger wonders, are they rehabbing themselves really or just their public image?

BRIAN UNGER: Hello, everyone.

GROUP: Hi, Brian.

UNGER: All right, simmer down. Welcome to image rehab. Now, a quick announcement before we get started. The hot stone massage and the algae seaweed wrap will not take place on the beach due to the cold Malibu weather.

GROUP: Awww!

UNGER: Hey, no one said image rehab was going to be a vacation. Instead your massage therapist will come directly to your suite. And then the post-massage caviar virgin mimosa brunch will be served on your balcony. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Now, you all know why you're here. You're famous and rich, and you can't keep your pie-hole shut. You use derogatory words, racial epithets, sexually degrading language, and you like to do this in public places. You drop the F bomb, use the N-word. To the public at large, you're a regular A-hole.

Now, some of you can't show up for work on time because you drink too much. You yell at the cops when you're drunk, and some of you appear drunk during interviews with local news anchors. Others claim to be drunks when you are in fact just Miss America who loves a few cocktails after a hard day of picture signing at the mall.

And then there are those who appear intolerant of your co-workers' - how do I say this - diversity. And you like to display this fact to televised awards shows. Now that you've made it big, you feel it's the appropriate time to stand before America and reveal your deep-seated disdain for gay people and minorities.

Whatever it is you do to embarrass yourself - and far graver, your employer - your publicists think you have a serious problem. And they're right. Beneath all that hurtful behavior, injurious conduct and your self-destructive actions, there is an underlying cause. Deep down, some of you need intensive therapy to fix what's broken deep inside.

I'm here to tell you, you've come to the wrong place. We don't have time in one weekend to address your issues. This is image rehab, and to delve beyond image problems with the serious attempt at correcting your behavior and, well, that just goes beyond superficial for us. Plus, any real hands-on intervention would seriously interfere with the twilight Pilates classes on the heliport. They're terrific.

Now, I see a lot of famous faces in the room. Most of you are on TV shows, in the movies. Some of you are politicians. And you earn a good living. But sadly, for some this will be your last job. For you, we have some discount coupons for H&R Block. You'll find those inside the Bobbi Brown image makeover cosmetics gift bag.

This quick program note. After surf class, the happy hour with leaders of the communities you've offended will start promptly at 5:00, poolside. Dress accordingly. And please, folks, try not to drink too much.

And that is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger.

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