Heartbreak, Recovery and Gender

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ROBERT SIEGEL, host:

From NPR News, this is ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. I'm Robert Siegel.

MICHELE NORRIS, host:

And I'm Michele Norris.

Come this Wednesday, we're sure to be saturated by greeting card inspired wisdom about romance, and cupid, and hearts, and flowers and all that other love stuff.

As a buffer against the chocolate-coated Valentine swoon, independent producer Jennifer Deer has been focusing on the flip side of love. She dives now into what people go through when love fades away.

(Soundbite of song, "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter")

Unidentified Woman: (Singing) I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter and make believe it came from you. I'm gonna write words, oh, so sweet.

JENNIFER DEER: I've been thinking about heartbreak.

Having had one of my own recently, I have to say I found that shocking. My aunt once told me that you couldn't be a fully formed, truly good human being until you had your heart crushed. It made sense to me then and I still believe it's true. But just how many times does one have to learn this particular lesson? Okay, I'm crushed already. Let me be a good human being. See, I thought I already paid my karmic romance dues.

Surely, I did. In high school, when my first sweetheart dumped me to spend more quality time with the marching band, or in college when the man of my dreams turned out to be gay. Didn't I pay them at 29, when I got so thoroughly trounced that my brother had to come home from grad school to take care of me?

But no, apparently not. It hurt just as much at 40 as it did at 13. Apparently, neither age nor experience has me any better prepared for the heartbreak of heartbreak.

So I am left with a few questions. When does this end? Is there something that we could learn from delving into the components of heartbreak? Could we train ourselves to do it better? Doesn't it change any as the years go by?

(Soundbite of song, "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Latter")

Unidentified Woman: (Singing) I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter.

DEER: My friend Lizzy is currently in the initial phase of heartbreak. Her long distance boyfriend was finding it harder and harder to make the trip to visit her. She called him on it and decided that it was time to go their separate ways. Hey, I'm getting over a heartbreak, and she has just gotten stomped. This is super. We could have a little chat about having our hearts drop kicked. We'll share some funny poignant moments from our divergent vantage points in the hell of heartbreak.

And it surely, we'll learn something.

LIZZY: Well, today has been hard.

DEER: And then I remembered oh, that's what it's like in the beginning when you're right there.

LIZZY: Yeah.

DEER: It's really just nothing but awful.

LIZZY: You know, I just kind of been riding, coasting on top of my grief, I think. I don't want to admit to anyone that we broke up. Part of my ego was attached to being with him because I think he is so great.

DEER: I want to help her feel less alone. I tell her it took me nine months to start breathing normally again. I want to inspire hope. I tell her that now I get out of bed every morning. And I've renewed my gym membership. But she doesn't look inspired or hopeful.

LIZZY: I had this little - so pitiful. So here is how I'm going to get him back.

DEER: Phase one.

LIZZY: Or, listen, yeah. This is like phase one of getting him back, because I knew this won't do it. This will just make him be like oh, she really loves me. I'm a fool. So what I'm going to do I - I have his key to his apartment still. So my fantasy was that I would, you know, we would agree when I'm going to come see him. So I'll climb up the steps and greet him at his door, maybe I'll come in for a drink, you know, like some tea or something.

And I'll give him his key then we'll chat, and I'll leave. And I have these red hearts, like confetti hearts. They're shiny. So I'll sprinkle them on the top step, and I'll like leave a little trail all the way down to the front door. And then I'll probably still have like a handful left. Then I'm just going to like scatter them on the doorstep, so that when he leaves the next time or when he enters, he'll see, you know, these hearts kind of scattered on his door step. Doesn't it make you go aww?

DEER: There is such an overwhelming temptation for my point of view to just drag her along with me to the other side screaming don't do it. Oh, but I've been there. The shiny hearts fantasy. Do men do this? This is another nagging question from me, because I feel that they do not. Did they find a better way? I'll call my friend Todd. He just got his insides ripped out.

(Soundbite of song, "Wild World")

Hey.

TODD: Hey.

DEER: I'll ask him. Can you just tell me what happened in your relationship?

TODD: I walked in the apartment. She said she's suddenly felt suffocated and that that she couldn't be there anymore. At 40 years old, I'm capable of change, you know. I mean there's even a part of me, as hurt as I am, that in a strange way - maybe grateful is not the right word, but knowing that I can get through it, knowing that there's other life just through that.

DEER: He's so high functioning.

(Soundbite of song, "Wild World")

Mr. CAT STEVENS (Singer): (Singing) Oh, baby, baby it's a wild world.

DEER: I'm not saying men suffer less than women.

TODD: Well, I feel very emotional.

DEER: Maybe it's just a style thing.

TODD: I'm being challenged. I mean, you know, and I want to rise to it and -

DEER: I'm thinking men and women do it differently.

(Soundbite of song, "I'll Never Fall in Love Again")

Ms. MARIE DIONNE WARWICK (Singer): (Singing) What do you get when you fall in love?

DEER: Does it really matter? You do it like a boy. You do it like a girl. You do it with grace. You fight it every inch of the way. Some people get really thin and that hollow-eyed thing. Some people eat themselves up two sizes. In the end, it all still pretty much sucks for everybody.

(Soundbite of song, "I'll Never Fall in Love Again")

Ms. WARWICK: (Singing): I'll never fall in love again.

DEER: I wonder, I mean it seems likely that I will be heartbroken again at sometime in my life. You know. It's almost exciting to think about how, how differently I might do it. I don't know. I don't want to be like 60 and be heartbroken.

LIZZY: Yeah. I wouldn't think about it. I have enough right now.

DEER: Sorry.

LIZZY: This is supposed to be the last time. This'll be it for the rest of my life. I've had enough.

DEER: Odds are not in your favor.

NORRIS: A meditation on heartbreak. It comes to us from Jennifer Deer. She's a radio producer and a graduate student living in Durham, North Carolina.

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