Sweetness And Light

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The Score On Sports With Frank Deford

Football Fatigue Got You Down? Try Pigskinexia

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It's football season — and while the sport has many female fans, others feel their home has been invaded by a seasonal disorder. Our commentator has found an answer — a product he trusts so much, he recorded an ad for it.

Deford: It's that time again, when so many American women are having their space invaded, their sensitive environment contaminated by alien emotions.

Football Sufferer: Oh, that awful torment has started to affect me once more. It's the same sort of distress that always seems to strike me at exactly this time of the year.

Deford: Hi, I'm Frank Deford. Yes, if you, like so many women, are beginning to suffer those agonizing seasonal pains, I'm here to tell you about a wonderful new product: Pigskinexia!

Football Sufferer: Pigskinexia?

Deford: Yes, Pigskinexia. I know it's only the beginning of football season, but are you already having to endure the shame of that gridiron malady that is so common in so many American homes, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity or intelligence?

Then Pigskinexia may be right for you.

Pigskinexia not only filters out of your system all football noises — and associated rude behaviors — but it also soothes as it washes away those awful weekend hours when ugly male chromosomes dominate the household.

And Pigskinexia is safe — it only attacks American football.

Its patented ingredients allow baseball, basketball, hockey moms, tennis, soccer, professional wrestling, American Idol and all other civilized entertainments to enter your consciousness, just as always — leaving you and your loved ones to enjoy the rest of the American dream, just as we've all been promised.

Football Sufferer: Wow, with Pigskinexia, Frank, I can live just as joyously in the autumn as I do in spring, winter and summer!

Deford: Exactly! You'll be able to take your weekends back, and your Monday nights, too.

Pigskinexia is easy to use. It comes in tablet, poison pill or convenient personal injection form. Ask your doctor about Pigskinexia!

Football Sufferer: Gee, Frank, thanks for the tip. I'm calling my doctor today!

Disclaimer: Pigskinexia may not be for everyone. If you experience torment brought on by football for more than four hours, call your marriage counselor.

And if you continue to suffer from long pre-game shows, screaming, beer burping, point spreads, tailgating and other forms of gridiron excess, better you stop taking Pigskinexia, protect the children and the dog and just cope the best you can till the Super Bowl is over.

Frank Deford joins us from member station WSHU in Fairfield, Conn.

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Sweetness And Light

Sweetness And LightSweetness And Light

The Score On Sports With Frank Deford