What 'No' On Gay Marriage Ban Means For Kids

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Californians will vote soon on a bid to ban same-sex marriage. Humorist Brian Unger imagines what failing to pass the ban will mean for schools. Perhaps field trips to the gay bar Mother Lode on Santa Monica Boulevard? Or lessons on how plaids and stripes can work together?


Humor now from the Unger Report. Brian Unger notes that in eight days, Californians will vote on whether to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in the state. A yes on Proposition 8 would change the state's constitution to read only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized. Today, Brian looks at one of the ads supporting the gay-marriage ban and takes it - well, you can decide if he takes it too far.

BRIAN UNGER: In the ad, a girl runs to her mother standing at a kitchen counter. She's sorting the mail next to a green pepper, a tomato, and an apple. The girl says...

Unidentified Girl: Mom, guess what I learned in school today!

Unidentified Woman: What, sweetie?

Unidentified Girl: I learned how a prince married a prince, and I can marry a princess!

UNGER: She shows mom a children's book entitled "King and King." Then Professor Richard Peterson from Pepperdine University School of Law enters.

Professor RICHARD PETERSON (School of Law, Pepperdine University): Think it can't happen? It's already happened. When Massachusetts legalized gay marriage, schools began teaching second graders that boys can marry boys.

UNGER: But what Professor Peterson doesn't mention in the ad are all the other things that children will learn in school if Californians don't ban same-sex marriage.

Mr. BARNEY (Host, "Barney and Friends"): Let's all sing our ABCs together. Are you ready? Here we go!

UNGER: Big, happy, gay, purple dinosaur Barney will be replaced by big, happy, gay Tim Gunn from Project Runway. Oh yeah, it will happen.

Mr. TIM GUNN (Project Runway): If I've got a day of stubble...

Unidentified Woman: Yeah.

Mr. GUNN: And I'm wearing shorts and flip-flops, out I go.

(Soundbite of music)

UNGER: Field trips for second graders will include La Brea tar pits, the Holocaust Museum, and the gay bar Mother Load on Santa Monica Boulevard. Vote no on 8 and parent-teacher conferences will take place in the locker room amidst apple martinis and gyrating go-go boys.

Ms. MADONNA: (Singing) What are you waiting for? Nobody's going to show you how.

UNGER: Innocent schoolyard slang, words like cool, dope, and what up, will be replaced with hot mess, fierce, and silver tranny Ferocia.

Instead of learning that Afghanistan is the new front in the war on terror, children will learn that orange is the new pink, and that an act of terror is wearing last season's Manolos.

Unidentified Choir: (Singing) Together, together...

UNGER: Vote No on 8, and Disney will turn every child's high school experience into a Broadway musical, and a hellish media firestorm will turn a generation of young athletes into a legion of tap-dancing minstrels.

Unidentified Choir: (Singing) If I can make it out, yeah yeah.

UNGER: Californian children will learn that plaids and stripes can work together. That Paul Lynde was bigger than Paul Revere, Liberace bigger than Medici, Charles Nelson Reilley bigger than Charles Lindbergh. And finally, vote no on 8 and children will not only learn that a prince marry a prince, but that a prince can divorce a prince and take his castle. And that is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger.

BRAND: Humor and satire every Monday from the Unger Report.

Day to Day is a production of NPR News with contributions from slate.com. I'm Madeleine Brand.


And I'm Alex Chadwick.

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