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Brian Unger Reverts Into A Petty Child

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Brian Unger Reverts Into A Petty Child

Brian Unger Reverts Into A Petty Child

Brian Unger Reverts Into A Petty Child

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It's out with the old and in with the new. Our resident humorist mirrors Benjamin Button in his latest journey into the silly world of Facebook.

ALEX COHEN, host:

Back now with Day to Day. The Golden Globe Awards were dished out last night, and the big winner was the film "Slumdog Millionaire." "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" was nominated for five awards, but it didn't win a single one. That film is about a man who ages in reverse. Our humorist, Brian Unger, who also failed to win any Golden Globes last night, claims he too is aging backwards. Here is today's Unger Report.

(Soundbite of clock ticking)

BRIAN UNGER: My name is Brian Unger. And I was born under unusual circumstances, before the Internet. And while everybody else was getting younger, I was getting old all alone.

(Soundbite of music)

UNGER: Such was the story before Facebook, where a woman or a man like any of us can't stop time or stop people who were too cool for us in college from now wanting to be our friend or from asking us to join the "I love Bacon" fan group.

(Soundbite of music)

UNGER: If you're not on Facebook, well, I wouldn't worry much. It can't be all that relevant because I just got on it. I've always been a slow adult, hardly an early adopter. I don't Twitter, Digg, or Boing Boing. Most of us in our 40s don't. Maybe once a month if we're lucky. It's a hormonal thing. But here living on Facebook, the blood flows with new vigor through my veins. Even though I'm separated from the physical world and three-dimensional humans, it's a time traveler's tale of the people and places you bump into along the way, the loves you lost, the ones you screwed up beyond belief because you were a jerk, and defining the joys of life and the sadness of seeing how many hot friends your ex has. Just look at them all.

(Soundbite of music)

UNGER: And what lasts beyond time? Anger, jealousy, and the feeling you got from being ridiculed and beaten up in high school. By way of a few keystrokes, you get to feel all that again. I never quite understood the value in dredging up the past and reconnecting with people who wouldn't go to prom with me or with someone who stole my lunch money or with friends of friends of friends who stole my lunch money. Now on Facebook, I have no clue whatsoever.

(Soundbite of clock ticking)

UNGER: But here the clock ticks backward and friendship requests stack up. Confirm a friend, ignore a friend, you're young again without injecting a form of food poisoning into your forehead. On Facebook, you're a regular Benjamin Button.

(Soundbite of movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")

Ms. CATE BLANCHETT: (As Daisy) You're so young.

Mr. BRAD PITT: (As Benjamin Button) Only on the outside.

UNGER: Despite, in the end, the crushing disappointment of not looking like Brad Pitt - the good-looking Brad Pitt, before he hooked up with Angelina Jolie, that one.

(Soundbite of music)

UNGER: And that is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger.

COHEN: Humor every Monday from Brian Unger.

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