Fornicating Our Way Out Of Recession

  • Playlist
  • Download
  • Embed
    <iframe src="" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

Our resident humorist has been looking at the Obama administration's proposed economic package. He thinks he's found a better stimulus to get the nation's GDP popping again. It involves rolling around on the grass.


The economic recovery package President Obama wants contains $825 billion in new spending and tax cuts. If passed, Congress will have to work out who benefits from all that money. Our humorist Brian Unger offers his two cents in today's Unger Report.

BRIAN UNGER: Both parties agreed to jumpstart the stalled economy. A combination of tax relief and spending is required. Finding that right combination will be the trick. Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner warned Sunday...

Representative JOHN BOEHNER (Republican, Ohio): The spending of $200 million to fix up the National Mall, $21 million for sod, over $200 million for contraceptives. How is this going to fix an ailing economy? ..TEXT: UNGER: Simple. By having millions of Americans gather at a refurbished National Mall and having protected sex on soft newly planted grass could just be the stimulus package this country is looking for.

(Soundbite of song "The Look of Love")

Unidentified Vocalist #1: (Singing) The look of love...

UNGER: We did it during a terrible post-World War II economy, maybe not on the National Mall, but look what we got - a big economy. And baby boomers, Mr. Boehner, just like you. But the difference between then and now is...

Representative BOEHNER: Over $200 million for contraceptives.

UNGER: Economic growth without population growth. We can boink with impunity and not worry about a new gargantuan generation growing up later to drain taxpayer dollars. What could be more Republican?

(Soundbite of song "Just a Little Lovin'")

Unidentified Vocalist #2: (Singing) Just a little lovin'...

UNGER: Liberals know better than conservatives that this nation can fornicate its way out of, well, almost anything, even a recession - atop government-funded grass or in the privacy of your own home. Does it really matter where as long as we're all getting busy?

(Soundbite of song "Just a Little Lovin'")

Unidentified Vocalist #2: (Singing) Just a little lovin' early in the mornin'...

UNGER: What could restore a sense of consumer confidence more than a post-coital America going out to brunch, shopping, and taking in a movie? It leads to more shtipping(ph) and eventually more shopping, which leads to a growing robust economy, which leads to more hooking up, then weddings, then families because we're done with contraception, then home buying. Well, it's a pretty prosperous picture.

(Soundbite of song "I Only Wanna be with You")

Unidentified Vocalist #3: (Singing) It happens to be true, I only wanna be with you.

UNGER: In the words of our new president...

President BARACK OBAMA: The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity.

(Soundbite of song "I Only Wanna be with You")

Unidentified Vocalist #3: (Singing) I never knew that I could be in love like this...

UNGER: So let's not get down on the idea of spending for a new National Mall, grass, and contraceptives. Let's just get down to business. And that is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger.

BRAND: Getting down to humor every Monday, that's our slightly confused correspondent Brian Unger.

Copyright © 2009 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by a contractor for NPR, and accuracy and availability may vary. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Please be aware that the authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio.



Please keep your community civil. All comments must follow the Community rules and terms of use, and will be moderated prior to posting. NPR reserves the right to use the comments we receive, in whole or in part, and to use the commenter's name and location, in any medium. See also the Terms of Use, Privacy Policy and Community FAQ.

NPR thanks our sponsors

Become an NPR sponsor

Support comes from