Copyright ©2010 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

MICHELE NORRIS, host:

Starting this week, it will be easier for veterans to receive help for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. President Obama introduced new rules that should streamline the claim process.

Ron Capps is a former soldier who retired after serving 25 years in Kosovo, Rwanda, Afghanistan, Iraq and Sudan. He describes how PTSD made him feel desperate.

RON CAPPS (Former Foreign Service and Army Reserve): (Reading) When the phone rang, I jumped a little, startled, and nearly shot myself. This would have been ironic because I was holding the pistol in my hand planning to kill myself, but I would have pulled the trigger while it was pointed at my foot rather than my head.

That was in 2005. I was a soldier on active duty. I spent more than 20 years working in places like Kosovo, Rwanda, Afghanistan, Iraq and Darfur. I've seen some bad stuff, and somewhere along the way, my brain stopped working right. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression.

I remember lying on my cot in my tent in Afghanistan bundled into my sleeping bag, terrified because the dead had come to talk with me. They came every night, wresting me away from a warm, comforting sleep into a series of wretched, tormenting, wide-awake dreams. On one night, it would be a farmer and his wife burned Bible-black and twisted into hideous shapes who asked: Do you remember us? Oh, most certainly.

On another, 42 men all shot in the back or in the head and left to die in a rocky ditch on a frozen January morning. Why didn't you do more to save us, they asked? Why, indeed.

The images terrified me mostly because I couldn't stop them from taking control of my mind. I knew I needed help but I didn't ask for it because I thought I would be ridiculed, considered weak and cowardly.

In Army culture, especially in the elite unit filled with rangers and paratroopers, in which I served, asking for help was showing weakness. My two Bronze Stars, my tours in Airborne and Special Operations units, none of these would matter. To ask for help would be seen as breaking.

But finally, when in the middle of the day I was forced to hide, shaking and crying in a concrete bunker, railing against the noise and the images in my head, and when I finally understood that to continue to deny this was to endanger the lives of the soldiers I was sent to Afghanistan to lead, I asked for help.

Today, right now, we need to get more soldiers to ask for help. Reducing the stigma attached to mental health issues is the first step. When soldiers see their peers ridiculed or accused of malingering or of cowardice, they won't seek the help they need.

Maybe that's why in the first half of 2009 more American soldiers committed suicide than died in combat.

These aren't our first wars. We know what happens to people's minds when they are confronted with these horrors. Personally, I'm lucky. I'm alive today because I didn't pull the trigger that day in Darfur. But thousands of other soldiers and veterans have made different choices.

NORRIS: Ron Capps' full essay appears in the "Narrative Matters" section of the July issue of the journal Health Affairs.

Copyright © 2010 NPR. All rights reserved. No quotes from the materials contained herein may be used in any media without attribution to NPR. This transcript is provided for personal, noncommercial use only, pursuant to our Terms of Use. Any other use requires NPR's prior permission. Visit our permissions page for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by a contractor for NPR, and accuracy and availability may vary. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Please be aware that the authoritative record of NPR's programming is the audio.

Comments

 

Please keep your community civil. All comments must follow the NPR.org Community rules and terms of use, and will be moderated prior to posting. NPR reserves the right to use the comments we receive, in whole or in part, and to use the commenter's name and location, in any medium. See also the Terms of Use, Privacy Policy and Community FAQ.

Support comes from: