Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you everybody. We do have an exciting show for you today. Musician Ben Folds will be by to play our game. That's exciting.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Speaking of musicians, the public radio world was kind of shocked last weekend, when musician Jack White, formerly of the White Stripes, he was doing a concert at Radio City Music Hall, and he wasn't getting the kind of response he wanted from his audience, and yelled - and I quote him - "Jesus Christ, is this an NPR convention," unquote.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And he stomped off the stage. Now, we in the business, we were hurt by this.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A little bit, we'll admit it. But then we got a hold of the unedited tape; it was taken by somebody in the audience. Here's the complete statement from Jack White.

JACK WHITE: "Jesus Christ, is this an NPR Convention? No? It's in the next building over? All right, then off I go, because I really wanted to go to the NPR Convention."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There you go. It turns out he's one of us. We're having a little mini-convention right here. Give us a call; the number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924... Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME.

LANA PERKINS: Hi.

SAGAL: Hi, who's this?

PERKINS: Lana Perkins.

SAGAL: Hey Lana.

PERKINS: Hi.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hi, yourself. Where are you calling from?

PERKINS: I live in San Antonio, Texas.

SAGAL: Oh, San Antonio is a great place.

(SOUNDBITE OF CHEERING)

PERKINS: It is.

SAGAL: And we have a squeaky person, it sounds like, who's from here.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What do you do there?

PERKINS: Well, I'm retiring right now and I'm studying to be a docent at a local art museum.

SAGAL: Oh, docents are wonderful.

PERKINS: Yes, they are.

SAGAL: My mother is a docent.

PERKINS: I know someone who works with your mother.

SAGAL: Really?

PERKINS: I do.

SAGAL: Is there like a weird docent network.

AMY DICKINSON: All the docents know each other.

(LAUGHTER)

PERKINS: I guess so.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Jesus Christ, is this a docent convention?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Lana. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to the woman behind the Ask Amy column, Ms. Amy Dickinson.

(APPLAUSE)

PERKINS: Hi, Amy.

DICKINSON: Hi, Lana.

SAGAL: Next, a comedian performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco, October 19th through the 21st, Mr. Maz Jobrani, right there.

(APPLAUSE)

MAZ JOBRANI: Hello, Lana.

SAGAL: And lastly, a comedian performing at the Mayo Performing Arts Center in Morristown, New Jersey, October 18th, Ms. Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Hey, Lana.

PERKINS: Hi, Paula.

SAGAL: Lana, welcome to the show. You're of course going to start us off with Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, Carl's voice on your home answering machine. Are you ready to go?

PERKINS: I am.

SAGAL: Let us do this thing. Your first quote comes from Governor Mitt Romney.

KASELL: "Congratulations to you, Mr. President, on your anniversary. I'm sure this was the most romantic place you could imagine, here with me."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Governor Romney said those romantic words right before he dropped a smack down in what big event on Wednesday?

PERKINS: The presidential debate.

SAGAL: Of course, yes, the debate.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: We had heard that Mitt Romney had been spending weeks up in Vermont getting prepared for this debate. It worked. You can just imagine the training montage, all those hours running through the hills, carrying logs on his back.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Gesticulating to sides of beef in a meat locker. So, Romney at the debate was quite impressive. He was sharp. He was aggressive without being mean. He was ready with a pithy answer to any of President Obama's meandering statements. This was a new improved Romney: Romney Vista.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It comes with a kill setting. For the President's part, he seemed bored, detached, tired. He rambled on. He kept looking down at the podium instead of at Romney. What was down there so interesting to him? It turns out he was just looking for his lost fourth capsule of Ambien.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He was also probably distracted by the fact that it was his 20th wedding anniversary that night, that very night. He wasn't taking notes, he was desperately trying to get a rush order from Flowers.com on his iPad.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: You think Michelle like gave him like, you know, she was upset about the date. It fell on the anniversary. So maybe that's why he was like I should have thought about this.

SAGAL: Really? Because, like, right before he went on stage, she's like "Fine, if this is how you want to spend our anniversary, you got right ahead. That would be fine with me."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: "I'll just watch in the audience." Walks out, and then they introduce the president. He's like, oh my god this is terrible.

JOBRANI: That's what happened.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Distracted.

JOBRANI: That's what happened.

SAGAL: That happens. That happens sometimes.

JOBRANI: Right.

SAGAL: That's terrible. Moderator Jim Lehrer got a lot of criticism for the way he handled or did not handle the debate. Well, you can't blame him, because of the debate moderator lockout.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The NFL sent over a replacement Lehrer who had pretty much only done high school forensic tournaments up to that point.

DICKINSON: I know.

JOBRANI: They should get, like, Alex Trebek to do these things. And then, you know, because you have a buzzer, you know what I'm saying, buzz, all right.

DICKINSON: Or like a small orchestra, the Marine Corps band to play them off.

SAGAL: To play them off.

JOBRANI: That would be great. If Alex Trebek did it, they'd have to answer in the form of a question.

DICKINSON: That's right.

JOBRANI: Right?

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Right.

JOBRANI: What is cut funding for PBS?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Your next quote will be from a man expressing his preference for president.

KASELL: "The best person I can think of, the most ideal person would be like Bruce Lee."

SAGAL: That was a man interviewed by WBEZ here in Chicago. He's one of a very rare type of person, sought after desperately every four years. He is a what?

PERKINS: Oh, I just heard it and I forget.

SAGAL: You forget? Well, he's a kind of voter. I'll give you a hint. He's the kind of person you ask him well Coke or Pepsi, he says, "Oh, I don't know, how about Pepsi?"

PERKINS: How about undecided?

SAGAL: An undecided voter, exactly.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The rarest and most valuable beast. It seems impossible, but after all these months if not years of campaigning, with Fox News telling us terrible things about the President and MSNBC telling us terrible things about Romney and NPR telling you really interesting things about Brazilian folk music...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Some people still cannot make up their minds. The guy who you heard quoted by Carl, he doesn't like either candidate because they don't have the integrity and wisdom of a martial arts movie star who's been dead for 40 years.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Nevertheless, this guy is an undecided voter. Everybody listens to him. Immediately upon the release of that interview, the President starting appearing with a nunchuck in his hands.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And Mitt Romney attempted to kill his own dressage horse with his bare hands.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: The thing is they're being sought after in a - they're being pandered to in a particular way. I don't know, you know despite the fact of the vice presidential elections, debates coming up, Joe Biden is spending the weekend camping with some undecideds.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And Romney has a thing, also this weekend, taking some undecided voters up and down in his car elevator.

DICKINSON: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: It makes you more desirable.

DICKINSON: Yeah.

JOBRANI: Who else would talk to this guy who thinks Bruce Lee would make a good president? No one.

SAGAL: Right.

JOBRANI: But now this guy is like, I don't know, maybe - and people are like, oh yeah, whatever you want. Bruce Lee, we'll get Bruce Lee. We'll bring him out, no problem.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Lana, your last quote is from a Spirit Airlines ad that came out this week.

KASELL: We let fares loose, not seats.

SAGAL: Spirit Air was...

(SOUNDBITE OF BOOING)

SAGAL: ...poking fun at one of their competitors. What airline is having trouble keeping their seats bolted down?

PERKINS: American.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: American Airlines, this week created a new perk for its frequent travelers: sit wherever the heck you want. The FAA reported that on at least three different planes, rows of seats became loose, unbolted from the floor. Was this sabotage by disgruntled workers or just the latest innovation in airline comfort? Hey, you want an aisle seat? No problem. Everybody push; let's go.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or, this is the best part, if you're clever, you can get an upgrade to first class if you just scootch it forward every time the flight attendant turns around.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh no, oh no, we were always sitting here. Can we have some warm nuts, please?

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: That's got to be scary if you start out in a window seat and wake up and you're in an aisle seat.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is great; this may be our favorite story. Two American Airlines flight attendants in New York, maybe because of the pressure, got into an actual fight in the plane.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, man.

SAGAL: One got on the PA, and said, "OK, everybody needs to turn off your cell phones, including the other flight attendant." And that flight attendant got mad at being called out and they went at each other. The worst part was when they both grabbed those little bottles of liquor and went smash.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Tiny little broken bottles.

SAGAL: Carl, how did Lana do on our quiz?

KASELL: Lana, you had three correct answers, so you win our prize.

SAGAL: Well done, congratulations, Lana.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks for playing.

PERKINS: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!