Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis, filling in for Carl Kasell. And we're playing this week with Paula Poundstone, Jessi Klein, and Alonzo Bodden. Here again is your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much. Right now, it's time for the WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-Wait-Wait to play our game on air. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

MEGAN TRIPP: Hi, it's Megan Tripp in Orlando.

SAGAL: Hey, Megan, how are you?

TRIPP: I'm doing pretty good. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine, thanks. What do you do in Orlando?

TRIPP: I'm a technical communicator.

SAGAL: Technical communicator. What is that exactly?

TRIPP: I work for a software company. So I explain what it does and how to use it.

SAGAL: Oh, I see. So are you like - are you basically like an IT person, a helpdesk person, I call up, and I say I can't make the flizzjob, do the facepush, and you're like oh, what you do is you press here?

TRIPP: No, but if you...

(LAUGHTER)

TRIPP: If you (unintelligible), it would come up with an article explaining all about facepush (unintelligible).

JESSI KLEIN: Facepush is already hastagging.

SAGAL: I know.

KLEIN: It's totally trending.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Megan, welcome to the show. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Megan's topic?

KURTIS: Please, I'm not that kind of girl.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If you're a human female, you've put up with a lot of unwanted attention from guys. This week, we read about a great new way to stop people for hitting on you. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Guess the real creep deterrent, you'll win Carl's voice on your home answering machine or voicemail. Ready to play?

TRIPP: Sure.

SAGAL: First, let's hear from Alonzo Bodden.

ALONZO BODDEN: Ladies, are you single? Do you want to stay that way? Do you just want to be left alone tonight? Unmatch.com is here to help you.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: The service works because everybody does the same thing when they meet an attractive person: They look them up online. If you've hired unmatch.com, you're sure the person looking you up will immediately want to look away.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Unmatch creates an entire online existence for you carefully created to drive away the most ardent suitor. Apparently, complaints about your landlord not allowing 15 cats or taking a break from your four kids under five years old will slow any guy down.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Any man that Googles you will come up with a planted news story about you, your bankruptcy, pending house arrest or your obsessed ex who just got out of jail.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Unmatch agrees there's no guarantee, but their service is like a car alarm: It won't guarantee security, but the thief would rather go after something that's not shrieking a warning signal.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Unmatch.com, which creates an online profile for you that will drive anyone away. Your next story of a new way to tell people you're not interested comes from Paula Poundstone.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Some men don't always know when women would like to be approached, and women don't always know how to politely decline advances, which leaves a nice juicy business opportunity for the maker of Thank You, Not Now, the truly foul-smelling atomizer.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: It's a simple device with a three-button handheld component, each releasing a different repulsive smell, sold separately, including What Have You Been Eating, How Many Head of Cattle Do You Own, How Many Head of Cattle Do You Have With You...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...and What in the Hell Did You Roll In.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Women love being able to put off the common, clumsy are you ladies alone with a quick (makes noise) and a whoa, you know what, (makes noises). I'm sorry, I can see you're busy, (makes noises). It's available online at ReallyStinkyStuffThatMakesPeopleGoAway.com and at Bed, Bath and Beyond in the Beyond.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank You, Not Now, the atomizer of scents sure to drive anyone away. Your last story of an unusual way to stay single comes from Jessi Klein.

KLEIN: Whether a woman's relaxing at the beach, shopping at the supermarket or even recovering in the ICU, there's always a sketchy guy trying to talk to her about how awesome it would be to have sex with him.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Thankfully, there's breaking news out of China this week that someone may have solved the problem. Women who really want to be left alone are now wearing what are described as, quote, "anti-pervert leg-hair stockings," which create the illusion of the wearer having hairy legs.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: And we're not just talking slightly unshaven hairy legs. We're talking thick, curly, male black hair. This is Saddam Hussein as he just came out of the spider hole hair...

(APPLAUSE)

KLEIN: Burt Reynolds lying on a bear rug hairy legs. Worn with a skirt or even under a bathing suit, the stockings are guaranteed to ward off or even sicken most potential harassers.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Sadly, what the maker of the stockings has not considered is the fact that no matter what weird thing a woman does with her body, there will always be an even weirder man who digs it.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. One of these was something we found designed to help women avoid unwanted attention. From Alonzo Bodden, visit a Web service called unmatch.com that creates a terrible online profile for you. From Paula Poundstone, a handheld atomizer that can spray any one of three unpleasant scents to drive anyone away. Or from Jessi Klein, stockings that make your legs look disgustingly hairy so as to avoid unwanted male attention. Which of these are the real device or service meant to keep unwanted suitors away?

TRIPP: I'll go with the hair stockings.

SAGAL: You're going to go with the hair stocking? All right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, your choice then is Jessi's story. Well, we spoke to somebody who had an opinion about this real story.

COLETTE MCINTYRE: If I could wear hairy leg stockings to make my bodega man stop winking at me, I would wear hair stockings.

SAGAL: That was Colette McIntyre of the feminist blog The Jane Dough, talking how much she would like to get a pair of those Chinese hairy pantyhose. You were correct, Jessi had the right story.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The real one. That means you've earned a point for Jessi just for being truthful, and you have won our game. Carl Kasell will record the greeting on your home voicemail. Well done.

TRIPP: Thanks.

SAGAL: Thank you.

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Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!