Copyright ©2014 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

MICHEL MARTIN, HOST:

Finally today, one more perspective on parenting. Yes, she's a mom. But she's also a member of the TELL ME MORE family. And we think this is something you'll want to hear. Supervising editor Alicia Montgomery recently wrote an essay about a particular parenting challenge in her life for NPR's "Code Switch" blog, and we wanted to share it with you. Her piece was titled "Autism, Like Race, Complicates Almost Everything." And, well, we'll let her tell you the rest. Here it is.

ALICIA MONTGOMERY: Children have tantrums. They yell and grab at things that they should ask for nicely. And when a child has autism, like my son, these episodes can be epic - toys hurled across a room, screaming fits that last for hours and flurries of hitting that get triggered by even a minor change in a routine. But when my son screams at his therapist and tries to snatch markers from his hands, I gasp. I think of Trayvon Martin. I'm black and so is my son. And even though at that moment he's just 5 years old, I know that an angry swipe at a white man's hands could get him killed one day.

At some of the toughest moments with my son, this therapist has been a sanity saver for me. A middle-aged white man, he has the warm, easy manner of everyone's favorite uncle. For my son, he has compassion and endless patience. But at this moment, he's told my son not to do something. And my son has not only done it, he's also gotten physical. My instinct is to snatch my son up and hit him with everything I have, but I don't. I watch while his therapist waits for him to get the hollering and grabbing out of his system. After about 10 minutes, it all quiets down, but I'm still holding my breath.

Generations of black parents have had to have the talk with our sons - the explanation that while they have a right to do everything a white kid does, exercising those rights under the wrong circumstances could be dangerous. And a transgression like the one my son has committed against his doctor, one that might get a white child arrested, could get him killed. It's hard to explain and hard for many boys to understand at first.

My kid still doesn't quite understand that he's expected to answer to his own name or deal with a broken toy without screaming. These are not social graces. These are skills that most kids develop in their early years with no special training - looking people in the eye or saying hello or sitting still in a chair. He has to practice these things several hours a week with a team of therapists at home and at his special school. It's costing a fortune, but he's getting better. Many parents of autistic kids don't have my options. They don't have the money or the understanding employer or the family and community support that I do or, what's most heartbreaking, their child's condition just doesn't respond to anything that they've tried.

Most of our days now pass without problems. When my son has a bad moment or a meltdown, he's surrounded by caring people who are trained to coax him into using his words. They know not to grab his arm or shout and that it may take two or three times for him to respond to a question. But I know that black boys like my son, even the young ones, don't get the benefit of the doubt in real life. So what do I do - take him out of the daycare where he's cherished like a son? Tell his openhearted teachers to treat him with a little less tenderness than they do the other kids to help him toughen up? Or the next time he gets physical have his therapist grab him by both wrists and tell him sternly to keep his hands to himself?

Autism, like race, complicates almost everything, especially questions of who's privileged. Almost everyone with a child on the spectrum is living with constant anxiety and navigating from one crisis to another. When I'm with parents of kids with autism or other disabilities, I feel like I'm in one of those zones where race doesn't matter as much. There are conversations we have with each other that we can't have with anyone else.

All of the parents - white, black, Latino and Asian-American - have to grapple with indifferent or hostile teachers, worry about cops who think their kids are acting strange or suspicious. They're fighting to create a place for their children to thrive in a world that views them as worthless or scary. And there's that fear, the one that I used to think only black parents really understood, that you could do everything right, spend every dime, minute, ounce of energy on your child and it still might not be enough.

MARTIN: Alicia Montgomery is TELL ME MORE supervising editor and a mom of one. To read her essay, please go to the "Code Switch" page on NPR.org. And that's our program for today. I'm Michel Martin, and you've been listening to TELL ME MORE from NPR News. Let's talk more tomorrow.

Copyright © 2014 NPR. All rights reserved. No quotes from the materials contained herein may be used in any media without attribution to NPR. This transcript is provided for personal, noncommercial use only, pursuant to our Terms of Use. Any other use requires NPR's prior permission. Visit our permissions page for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by a contractor for NPR, and accuracy and availability may vary. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Please be aware that the authoritative record of NPR's programming is the audio.

Comments

 

Discussions about race, ethnicity and culture tend to get dicey quickly, so we hold our commenters on Code Switch to an especially high bar. We may delete comments we think might derail the conversation. If you're new to Code Switch, please read over our FAQ and NPR's Community Guidelines before commenting. We try to notify commenters individually when we remove their comments, but given that we receive a high volume of comments, we may not always be able to get in touch. If we've removed a comment you felt was a thoughtful and valuable addition to the conversation, please don't hesitate to get in touch with us by emailing codeswitch@npr.org.