BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. A wall can't stop me, I'm a Bill-legal (ph) immigrant, Bill Kurtis.
KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you. I think you're right to be this excited. We have a great show for you lined up today. Later on, we're going to be talking to the superstar hip-hop duo Run the Jewels. And you may say, why a hip-hop group? Because it wasn't enough for us to just be NPR. We wanted to make doubly sure the president of the United States never listens to this show.
SAGAL: We're glad you're listening, though. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now, let's welcome our first listener contestant.
Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
KAT HEVERIN: Hi, Peter. This is Kat calling from Brooklyn, N.Y.
SAGAL: Hey, Kat. How are you?
HEVERIN: I'm very well, thank you. How about yourself?
SAGAL: I am fine. I'm fine. What do you do there in Brooklyn?
HEVERIN: I work for a lovely winery from Sonoma, Calif., called Cline Cellars.
SAGAL: Oh, I see. And you work for a California winery in Brooklyn?
HEVERIN: That is correct.
HEVERIN: I help the California wine come to the good people of New York.
MO ROCCA: I thought people in Brooklyn made their own wine.
SAGAL: Yeah, I know.
SAGAL: Well, it's great to have you with us, Kat. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian performing live at the Saban Theatre in Los Angeles on April 20, and his TV show, "Superior Donuts," premieres on CBS next Thursday, February 2, it's Maz Jobrani.
MAZ JOBRANI: Hello.
SAGAL: Also a comedian whose politically themed comedy show "Party On The Left" is at the Hollywood Improv on February 22, it is Helen Hong.
HELEN HONG: Hello. Howdy.
SAGAL: And finally, a correspondent for CBS "Sunday Morning" and the host of "The Henry Ford's Innovation Nation" Saturday mornings on CBS, that's Mo Rocca.
ROCCA: Hi, Kat.
SAGAL: So, Kat, I bet you anticipated this, but you are going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to recreate for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?
HEVERIN: I am.
SAGAL: All right, here's your first quote, someone talking to ABC News.
KURTIS: I can be the most presidential person ever, other than, possibly, the great Abe Lincoln, all right?
SAGAL: So who said that?
HEVERIN: Donald Trump.
SAGAL: Yes, indeed.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Donald Trump. Now, the key word, of course, in that quote is possibly. Trump won't even fully concede that Abraham Lincoln was a better president than he is one week in.
SAGAL: He's like, I prefer people who don't get shot, OK?
SAGAL: And look, look at that terrible crowd at the Gettysburg Address. Four score? I had, like, eight score.
SAGAL: So in his first week in office, President Donald Trump devoted himself to one overwhelmingly urgent national issue - the size of the crowd at his inauguration. Now, it was, in reality - or I guess what we should now call reality classic...
SAGAL: ...Fairly modest, but average for an inauguration. But not to the president. By the end of this week, Donald Trump had told more people about how many people were at his inauguration than there were people at the inauguration.
ROCCA: I want to ask our 14 billion listeners right now.
ROCCA: And that does include the 5 million illegals that are listening as well.
SAGAL: I know, I know.
ROCCA: How do we - how do people know that it was a much smaller crowd than the crowd that showed up for President Obama's inauguration? What did the picture show?
SAGAL: Well, if you saw the pictures - and actually, the National Park Service got in trouble because they sent out this picture and our president was not pleased. They showed pictures taken at the same time of the - from the same angle of the inauguration. And you could see there were many, many more people at President Obama's 2009 inauguration than at President Trump's...
ROCCA: No, what did you see in the Trump picture? What did you see? You saw expanses of what?
SAGAL: I saw expanses of white.
ROCCA: Exactly, and those are Trump supporters.
HONG: I think he thinks he's an amazing hypnotist. Like, he thinks he just says things and people - like, he even said during the inauguration that it stopped raining as soon as he started speaking...
SAGAL: Yeah, among the bizarre things...
HONG: ...When you could clearly see, like, buckets of water just coming down on him.
HONG: And I think, like, he got his hypnotism degree from Trump University.
HONG: And he needs to get his money back.
SAGAL: To review some other things that he, our president, did this week, the president announced he was ready to build the wall on the Mexican border. And the Mexican president instantly canceled his planned meeting here in America with Donald Trump. And then Trump said, oh, I didn't want to meet anyway. That's like breaking up with a girl after she filed a restraining order.
SAGAL: But to be fair to the president, he is keeping his promise. Not even a week in office and he's succeeded in keeping at least one Mexican from coming to the U.S.
ROCCA: Can I - I want to ask you a constructive question, though.
ROCCA: I mean, I've never - I don't have kids. You guys have kids. And so this is all new to me, like, how to how to parent a president.
ROCCA: Like, how do we make - what is the best way to make him feel validated?
JOBRANI: Well, what I would do in this case is I would send him to boarding school in another country.
JOBRANI: And I'd say, see you in four years. And hopefully you'll learn some crap over there.
SAGAL: Kat, your next quote...
SAGAL: Kat, your next quote is somebody explaining a huge, massive lie that the White House put out last weekend.
KURTIS: Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts.
SAGAL: Who came up with that lovely term that will now define our era?
HEVERIN: Was that Kellyanne Conway?
SAGAL: It was Kellyanne Conway, very well done.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: On the nose.
SAGAL: So she was being confronted on TV with the fact that the official White House spokesman, Sean Spicer, had devoted his first official statement to denying objective reality. And Ms. Conway said, no, no, no. It wasn't a lie, it was an alternative fact. You know, just like alternative music isn't music at all...
SAGAL: ...But just an awful smell.
HONG: You know, it's an alternative fact that I am dating Ryan Gosling.
HONG: That is not nearly as fun as if it was an actual fact. But, you know, when you live in an alternative...
SAGAL: You can say it into a microphone.
JOBRANI: Kellyanne it is so good at spinning she should have all of her interviews on a merry-go-round where she just keeps going.
SAGAL: Well, I don't know if you heard this, but apparently, at the inauguration last week, during a party, she punched a couple of guys.
ROCCA: That's kind of cool. That's cool...
SAGAL: Yeah. She just...
JOBRANI: For what?
SAGAL: Well, some guys were fighting and she broke it up with a couple of quick blows to the chin.
ROCCA: You know, a Democrat could never do that.
SAGAL: I know.
ROCCA: Let's not (unintelligible).
SAGAL: All right, Kat, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: Twenty-thousand is just a number.
SAGAL: That was a hedge fund manager pooh-poohing (ph) the milestone of what finally hitting 20,000?
HEVERIN: The Dow Jones.
SAGAL: The Dow Jones, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: We did it. The Dow hit 20,000, or as Sean Spicer put it, we hit 1.5 million.
SAGAL: The Dow has been flirting with 20,000 for years, but it never quite did it. It was a stock tease.
SAGAL: The stock rally has been known as the Trump bump.
JOBRANI: But it got to 19,000 and whatever under Obama.
JOBRANI: So he loosened the jar...
JOBRANI: ...And then this guy shows up and goes, look at what I did. Look at that, I just opened the jar.
HONG: I don't think - and - you know, and there's a lot of talk of how, you know, most of Americans are not going to feel the benefits of this. Like, I was texting my parents about all the insanity in the news. And my dad was, like, oh, Helen, but Dow reach 20,000 points, so good. And I was like, dad, you have $9 in the stock market right now.
HONG: He's like, I'm looking for silver lining, OK? Silver lining.
SAGAL: By the way...
HONG: OK, all right.
ROCCA: All right, buy silver.
JOBRANI: Buy silver, buy lining.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Kat do on our quiz?
KURTIS: She should open a bottle of wine because she got them all right.
SAGAL: Well done.
ROCCA: Can I - by the way - this is off topic, but since Kat is in the wine business.
ROCCA: Kat, I've always wanted to open a Chilean wine bar and call it Pinochet.
SAGAL: All, right. Thank you so much for playing, Kat. Congratulations.
HEVERIN: Thank you guys. Take care.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I'M COMING OUT")
DIANA ROSS: (Singing) I'm coming out. I'm coming...
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