Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Wealth Care, Spy-crowave, Tale As Old As Time
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. We're cutting your budgets by a billion. Bill Kurtis here. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. We just have a fun show for you this week. Later on we're going to be talking to one of the great second bananas of all time, Paul Shaffer, former bandleader for David Letterman. But first, the administration has announced what they want to spend on public broadcasting, and that is nothing, nada, zip. So we will be OK. We sell a lot of bobbleheads and stuff. But we will have to cut back, so Bill will now be giving listeners just the first word on each of the limericks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And as of fiscal year 2018, we'll just be called WAIT WAIT... DON'T.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So give us a call while we can still afford the phone line. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

EMILY GIUDICE: Hi, this is Emily. I'm calling from Boston, Mass.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Boston?

GIUDICE: Things are good. Winter is still here.

SAGAL: And what do you do there?

GIUDICE: I'm a graduate student. I'm getting my MBA at MIT.

SAGAL: You're getting your MBA at MIT?

GIUDICE: I am.

SAGAL: Well, that's a BFD.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Emily, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian performing at Rural on Tap in Rockford, Ill., on March 24th. It's Adam Burke.

ADAM BURKE: Hello. Hi, how are you?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a man for whom motels one through five were simply not good enough. It's Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT: Hi, Emily.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And making her debut on our panel this week, it's the author of "How To Make White People Laugh" and host of the podcast "Fake The Nation." It's comedian Negin Farsad.

NEGIN FARSAD: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Emily, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. Your job, of course, correctly identify or explain them. Do that two times, you'll win our prize. That is the voice of Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

GIUDICE: I'm ready.

SAGAL: I'm glad to hear it. Here is your first quote. It is the speaker of the House, Mr. Paul Ryan.

KURTIS: I'm pretty encouraged by it, and it actually exceeded my expectation.

SAGAL: He was happily reacting to a report from the Congressional Budget Office saying what will cause more than 24 million people to lose their health insurance?

GIUDICE: That would be the American Health Care Act.

SAGAL: Yes, the American Health Care Act.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Or, as it is sometimes called, Trumpcare. Or perhaps Ryancare. Or the reason I cannot stop coughing up blood.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The CBO says that 24 million people who have insurance now will lose it over the next 10 years. Experts say the new bill will intentionally hurt more people than any bill has since the everybody must swim right after eating act of 1925.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So this report came out. It was not good. Republicans scrambled. Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price said the numbers were, quote, "virtually impossible" and, quote, "unbelievable." Hey, you know what else was virtually impossible and unbelievable but recently happened anyway?

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: It's going to be a great time for you to be, like, a traveling medicine road show man. You know what I mean? Just go around, get, like, a top hat and just a bottleful of laudanum and just take it out on the road.

FARSAD: Magic beans will save you.

BURKE: Yeah, exactly.

SAGAL: It will be awesome.

FARSAD: The - my favorite part of the bill is another favorite statistic. The 24 million people aren't going to be insured, but also, 27,000 people are expected to die from it. Like, that's literally one of the statistics, which I think is really fun.

BURKE: Yes, but...

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Yes. But again, you're being a liberal downer. Those people will no longer need health care.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, your next quote is from presidential adviser Kellyanne Conway.

KURTIS: Microwaves turn into cameras. That is just a fact of modern life.

SAGAL: So Conway...

BODETT: She needs to get some sleep.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Conway was speculating on how whom could have spied on President Trump?

GIUDICE: I think that would be President Obama.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That's how he did it.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In the two weeks since President Trump tweeted out an accusation that President Obama had illegally wiretapped him, Trump's staff has been trying to explain it without admitting, yeah, well, the president just made it up. Sean Spicer has had to spin so fast he actually corkscrewed into the earth...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And is now 40 feet below the press room.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Kellyanne Conway said, well, it could have been anything. Maybe the CIA monitored Trump through his microwave, which is insane. Donald Trump has never operated a microwave in his life.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: He reheats his leftover KFC by shaming it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Why are you so cold? Failing chicken. Sad.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I do feel like - I do, like, feel like Trump does give off background radiation.

SAGAL: He does.

BODETT: Right.

BURKE: He looks like...

FARSAD: Trump just has to put his - like, his cold food into his bathrobe and that's how he, like, heats it up.

SAGAL: Yeah, just his body heat.

BURKE: Was this leveled at other presidents? Like, Zachary Taylor is using your potbellied stove.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I heard John Quincy Adams' voice in my spitoon.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good. Emily, here's your last quote.

KURTIS: LeFou is le queer.

SAGAL: That was Grace Baldrige. She's on the YouTube show "Pop Trigger." She was reacting to the news that the new "Beauty And The Beast" will include Disney's first ever what?

GIUDICE: Gay character.

SAGAL: Yes, first ever gay character.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Or - although I should say first ever openly gay character.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We all know what the dwarves got up to when Snow White was away.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I mean, Donald...

SAGAL: Yeah, for example.

BURKE: He's always running away from Daisy and dressed like a sailor. Come on.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Apparently, the character of LeFou in the new live-action "Beauty And The Beast" - he's the handsome villain's sidekick - reveals in the new version that his admiration for Gaston isn't just fraternal. This has caused some people to react with shock, including a drive-in theater in Alabama and the country of Malaysia, which has banned the film because of this. So congratulations, Malaysia. You are the Alabama of Asia.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Also, why are these people so upset about a gay guy in a movie which has its bestiality plot in its title?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, she can smooch the buffalo all she wants, but no gay guys.

BURKE: Also, I love when Disney tries to get it right they still get it wrong. We have an openly gay character. Yay. What's his name? Oh, it's French for the crazy person. You're welcome...

SAGAL: Yes.

BURKE: ...Gay people.

FARSAD: Baby steps. Baby steps.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Emily do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Emily was perfect. She got them all right.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Good going, Emily.

SAGAL: Congratulations. Well done, Emily.

(APPLAUSE, SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SOMETHING THERE")

JERRY ORBACH: (As Lumiere, singing) Well, who'd have thought?

ANGELA LANSBURY: (As Mrs. Potts, singing) Well, bless my soul.

DAVID OGDEN STIERS: (As Cogsworth, singing) Well, who'd have known?

LANSBURY: (As Mrs. Potts, singing) Well, who indeed?

ORBACH: (As Lumiere, singing) And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own?

LANSBURY: (As Mrs. Potts, singing) It's so peculiar.

ORBACH, STEIRS AND LANSBURY: (As Lumiere, Cogsworth and Mrs. Potts, singing) We'll wait and see a few days more. There may be something there that wasn't there before.

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