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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Hey, Don Jr., don't collude with Russians, Bill-lude (ph) with me...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Great to see you. Thank you. It's good to be back with you. We have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be joined by comedian and actress Aubrey Plaza from "Parks And Rec" and her new movie "The Little Hours." But first, we really have some good news for those of you who really enjoyed being told not to do drugs back in the '90s.

This week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that he would like to bring back the anti-drug program D.A.R.E. Remember that? That's why you are all clean and sober. I know that's why I am.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You may remember D.A.R.E. D.A.R.E., of course, is an acronym. It stands for Drug Abuse Resistance Education. There's just something about Jeff Sessions. He loves organizations primarily known by their initials.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So put down the bong before you get caught and give us a call. The number's 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CONOR HUSSEY: Hi, this is Conor Hussey. I'm calling from Charlotte, N.C.

SAGAL: Hey, Conor, how are you?

HUSSEY: I'm doing well. How about yourself?

SAGAL: I'm fine. How are things in Charlotte?

HUSSEY: It's nice. It's hot.

SAGAL: It is. It will be for a while, just warning you. What do you do there?

(LAUGHTER)

HUSSEY: So I'm a student. I go to Davidson College just north of the city.

SAGAL: Oh, great. And what do you study there?

HUSSEY: I'm a gender and sexuality studies major.

SAGAL: You're a gender and sexuality studies major.

HUSSEY: That's right.

SAGAL: OK. What kind of career do gender and sexuality studies - I'm genuinely curious - majors go on to pursue?

HUSSEY: I have a friend who's in law school right now. I know someone who went on to Bain so...

FAITH SALIE: To Bain, like, Bain..

LUKE BURBANK: The guy from "Batman?"

SALIE: Like, Mitt Romney's company?

(LAUGHTER)

HUSSEY: No, like, consulting.

SAGAL: Oh, I see. So he's a...

SALIE: Yeah, Mitt Romney's company.

BURBANK: So it's not the guy from "Batman."

SAGAL: No, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Conor, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's the author of the book "How To Make White People Laugh" and the host of the podcast "Fake The Nation," it's Negin Farsad.

(APPLAUSE)

NEGIN FARSAD: Hello.

SAGAL: Next, it's the host of the Public Radio variety show "Live Wire" and the podcast "Too Beautiful To Live." It's Luke Burbank.

BURBANK: Hey, Conor.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Finally, it's a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and author of the recent memoir "Approval Junkie." It's Faith Salie.

SALIE: Hey, Conor.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Conor, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is now going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, correctly explain or identify two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize, the voice of Carl Kasell, scorekeeper emeritus, on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

HUSSEY: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: Ok, now, I'm going to set up your first quote. I'm going to make an offer and then Bill will quote the actual response. OK? Here we go. So, Bill, I have some dirt on Hillary Clinton directly from the Russian government as part of their efforts to secretly help your father's campaign. What do you think?

KURTIS: I love it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who was so eager to take that meeting?

HUSSEY: Donald Trump Jr.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed, Donald Trump Jr.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Poor President Trump. For years, he has been wishing to get screwed by one of his kids, but he didn't mean that one.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So as you know, The New York Times reported that Don Jr., who was known around the Trump campaign - and this is true - as Fredo, took a meeting to get dirt on Hillary Clinton direct from Russia. And when this came out, The New York Times reported this, Don Jr. said, that's ridiculous. It's a disgusting lie. He said - and this is true again - we just met to talk about orphans.

You know, those adorable kids the Trump family likes to purchase and force to fight for sport.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And then The New York Times said, yeah, and they published the emails that led to the meeting, which say, hey, Don Jr., the Kremlin wants to give you dirt on Hillary Clinton. Can we take a meeting? And Don basically responds, as you heard, you had me at Kremlin.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I've never seen "The Godfather." And I regret that every few years like now because I had to ask people what is this Fredo? I thought it was a hobbit.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: No, what happened in "The Godfather," Fredo was accused of having this really questionable email relationship and then meeting with the Russians. And then for some reason, Fredo actually tweeted the emails out.

SAGAL: Yeah, I mean, the president though, himself, leapt to his son's defense. He described his 39-year-old son, who is the head of his company and a father of five, as, quote, "a good boy, a good kid," unquote.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: My boy, he's a good boy.

SAGAL: Yes, he's a good boy, good kid.

SALIE: And he's a high - what was it? - high-quality person.

SAGAL: High-quality person.

BURBANK: He's also said that about his ties...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: ...That he makes. He has said that about...

SALIE: Steaks.

BURBANK: ...Various steaks that he's sold.

SAGAL: Does this mean that his son was also manufactured in China by slave labor? I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Conor, we're switching gears a little. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: It's like when your grandma says, help yourself to the candy jar, but it has nothing but raisins and sugar-free saltwater taffy.

SAGAL: That was a tweet from someone named Dera Luce reflecting people's ambivalence about what brand new holiday we all celebrated this week?

HUSSEY: Oh, Prime Day?

SAGAL: Prime Day, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Prime Day, everyone. As Scrooge said, is it still Prime Day? I haven't missed it? Just two years after the first Prime Day, it has become a beloved holiday tradition. It should be a day off from work. But then again, everybody spent it just shopping in their cubicles. So who cares? Like, Christmas, historians say our modern Prime Day holiday is a mixture of ancient pagan holidays with the fact that Amazon has a lot of crap they needed to get rid of.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But it's gotten - I don't know if you guys felt this way, but I did. It's gotten so commercial, Prime Day.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: When I was a kid, Prime Day was just about family and things that were prime - you know, steaks and numbers like seven and 163. Now it's all about buying stuff.

BURBANK: We still - in my house, we still call it Christ Prime Day.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: We were, like, trying to really take advantage and, like, buy a Corvette or something.

SALIE: Yes.

FARSAD: But I actually just ended up buying sports socks. So not to brag, I exercise.

SAGAL: Yeah.

FARSAD: So that happens, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I saved, like, maybe $1.50.

SAGAL: That's great.

FARSAD: So, yeah. Thank you.

SALIE: But they're extra cushiony, super absorbent.

FARSAD: Oh, my God. They're, like, the best. They haven't arrived yet.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Conor, your last quote is a real campaign slogan from a celebrity who seems to be quite serious about running for president.

KURTIS: More poise, less noise.

SAGAL: Who is this guy?

HUSSEY: Oh, is this the guy who's running against Paul Ryan?

SAGAL: No. This is a guy who's - people thought it was a joke, but he seems to be serious. He might actually run for president in 2020. I'll give you a hint. If he wins, we'll be walking around saying, well, can you smell what the chief executive is cooking?

HUSSEY: You know, I have no clue.

SAGAL: Since you've already won, I think I'll just give it to you. It is The Rock. You know, The Rock, Dwayne Johnson. For a little while now, people have been joking about The Rock, Dwayne Johnson, running for president. And then this week, somebody set up an official campaign committee called Run The Rock to support Mr. Johnson's 2020 presidential bid.

Of course, as a former professional wrestler and now an actor, Mr. Johnson has no qualifications for the job. But as we now know, that makes him perfectly qualified for the job.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We should say, by the way, before we make too much of him, that Dwayne The Rock Johnson is actually a really smart, good looking and very charming guy. Dwayne Jr., though, is a total douche.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Oh, you mean D.J.? Hate that guy.

FARSAD: He did say Groot a bunch of times in that one movie. So I don't want to discount him as someone frivolous.

SAGAL: Excuse me, Negin, that was Vin Diesel.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: OK. So wait, what about this? He did drive cars at a high speed in a movie that one time.

SAGAL: That's - no, also Vin Diesel.

SALIE: That's Vin Diesel.

BURBANK: That's also Vin Diesel.

FARSAD: Damn it.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Conor do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Two out of 3, that's a win for us.

SAGAL: Well done, Conor. Thank you so much for playing. And good luck with your degree.

(SOUNDBITE OF THE METERS' "GOOD OLD FUNKY MUSIC")

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