Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news. Those Meddling Kids, Chuck and Donald And Nancy, iCheat.
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Hey, Kim Jong Un, why don't you try and launch me? I'm a Bill-istic (ph) missile.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Bill Kurtis. And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thanks everybody. Thank you so much. Great to be with you. We do, in fact, have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be joined by Win Butler, founder of the band Arcade Fire. But first, we know that a bunch of you out there might be listening to this while digging out from a hurricane, either the one last week or the one this week or the one that's coming. And we just want to say, don't worry. Pretty soon, your problems will be over because hurricanes won't be allowed in the country anymore because they always sneak in from the south.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: If you're wet or your dry, we want to hear from you. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SHIRLEY LEIF: Hello.

SAGAL: Hi, who's this?

LEIF: Shirley Leif from Studio City, Calif.

SAGAL: Shirley Leif from Studio City, Calif. How are you?

LEIF: I'm fine.

SAGAL: That's good. What do you do there?

LEIF: I am a retired career substitute teacher, but I'm still subbing a little bit.

SAGAL: Well, that means you're not retired, are you?

(LAUGHTER)

LEIF: Well, I don't have to go in every day.

TOM BODETT: Does Social Security know about this?

(LAUGHTER)

P J O'ROURKE: And I would like to apologize...

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: ...For the way our class treated you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Did you...

LEIF: Oh, no. I was known as the mean sub. I am known as the mean one.

SAGAL: Oh, you are.

O'ROURKE: Oh.

SAGAL: Were you really?

O'ROURKE: Then I take the apology back.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It occurs to me - is that, like, a reputation you want to cultivate because the kids will behave better if they hear, oh, we've got Mrs. Leif, the mean one?

LEIF: Yes, as a substitute definitely.

SAGAL: Oh, excellent. Well, welcome to our show, Shirley. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a humorist and the author of the recent book "How The Hell Did This Happen?" - P.J. O'Rourke.

(APPLAUSE)

O'ROURKE: Hi, Mrs. Leif. We promise we'll be good.

(LAUGHTER)

LEIF: Well, if you don't, you'll be in trouble.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hey.

O'ROURKE: Oh.

SAGAL: I felt a chill. Next up, a comedian who'll be performing at The Laugh Cellar in Santa Rosa, Calif., on October 21, it is Helen Hong.

(APPLAUSE)

HELEN HONG: Hi.

SAGAL: And finally, it's a man who describes himself as an author who doesn't write and a humorist who laughs at his own jokes. It's Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Good morning, Mrs. Leif.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Shirley, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time, as I'm sure you know. Bill Kurtis right here is going to perform for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, just identify or explain it twice. Do that, and you'll win our prize, the voice of Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to go?

LEIF: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: All right. For your first quote, in a surprise twist, it's the president of the United States.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I have a great heart for these people we're talking about.

SAGAL: The president has a quote, "great heart" for the people he just told he's going to boot out of the country in six months. Who are we talking about?

LEIF: The DACA kids.

SAGAL: Yes, the DACA kids or the DREAMers...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...As they are sometimes called.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, making 800,000 young people who thought they were protected subject to deportation might seem diabolical. But in President Trump's defense, he has no idea what he is doing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That is according to The New York Times, which reported that an hour before Trump made the announcement, his own aides were not sure he knew what it would do. He is like a 2-year-old boy in so many ways - not just that he thinks he's allowed in women's restrooms.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I think we're not good at naming these liberal programs. You know, that's, like, DACA - it sounds like a Klingon insult. I don't know why...

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: DACA.

HONG: DACA. And then also, DREAMers - like, isn't Dreamers a brand of ice cream?

SAGAL: No, DREAMers - DREAMers is great. I think...

O'ROURKE: It's a brand of pot.

SAGAL: How could you...

HONG: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yeah, so if you're expecting, like, a delicious frozen treat or a brand of pot...

O'ROURKE: Or a brand of pot (laughter).

HONG: ...And then a young aspiring immigrant shows up, nobody's happy about that.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Yeah and weren't the - Shirley, our substitute teacher, now, dreamers were always the problem, right? The daydreamers looking out the window when you come out. And you sort of flick their ear as you walk by.

LEIF: No. We're not allowed to even touch the kids.

O'ROURKE: Oh, yeah.

SAGAL: Oh, that's...

O'ROURKE: Well, that's a relief.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, the announcement on - oh, gosh. It's been such a long week - Tuesday - drew a lot of angry opposition. Cher, for example - the singer Cher - she says that anyone threatened with deportation can hide in her mansion...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...With a special priority to gypsies, tramps and thieves.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This is...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: But really, it's like, that's awesome. But, like, this is where we are in America today. It's like, don't give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. However, Cher will take them.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I think the degree of difficulty to get into this country should be directly correlated to how good your food is...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: ...Because...

O'ROURKE: Oh, you know, that...

HONG: My parents immigrated...

BODETT: Wow. That would take care of the British.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: That's what I'm saying.

O'ROURKE: Helen. Helen. That is really the most anti-Irish saying I've ever heard.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: We've got plenty of you.

O'ROURKE: I am, like, deeply offended.

HONG: We've got plenty of you all.

BODETT: And the Norwegians.

HONG: Because, like, my parents immigrated from South Korea in the '70s because, you know, Korean food is - like, kimchi's a hard sell. But if you're Mexican, and you gave us guacamole and tacos, we should be sending a limo to your house.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: That is true.

SAGAL: There were sort of...

O'ROURKE: But have you ever had blood pudding?

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: It's a lovely thing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote, Shirley.

LEIF: OK.

KURTIS: Chuck and Nancy would like to see something happen.

SAGAL: Surprise - it's the president again. This time he was talking about his new besties, who happen to be what?

LEIF: I need a clue.

SAGAL: Well, Chuck and Nancy are their names. And they're the country's...

LEIF: Oh, Chuck Schumer and his wife.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Oh.

SAGAL: Well, there are rumors.

HONG: Shirley.

SAGAL: Chuck and Nancy are what, generically?

LEIF: Oh. They're Democrats.

SAGAL: Exactly.

HONG: Yes.

SAGAL: They're Democrats.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: So President Trump - we all know this - all summer has not been getting along well with congressional Republicans. He blames them for all his failures. And this is true. According to The Wall Street Journal, when Mitch McConnell gets on the phone with Trump, he now gets so fed up with Trump chit-chatting about TV shows that he just stops responding. He stops saying anything. And Trump ends up saying, Mitch. Mitch, are you there? Mitch, it's me President Trump, which is also Judy Blume's worst novel.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: It was. It was a very bad one.

SAGAL: It was a bad one.

O'ROURKE: We hid that from the kids.

SAGAL: Yeah. So in a meeting this week with leaders of both parties, he had McConnell and Ryan, and he had Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi. He dropped McConnell and Ryan like they were a first wife approaching 40.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Republicans wanted an 18-month debt ceiling extension. The Democrats wanted three months. And the treasury secretary was in the midst of explaining why Trump should go with the GOP version when Trump says, nope, I'm going with Chuck and Nancy. Why? Was he trying to teach the Republicans a lesson? Did he just really need the meeting to be over? Yes, this betrays my own party. But I've got to pee.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: He has such a short attention span. I think he heard three months versus 18. And he was, like, I'm going with three.

SAGAL: Yeah, that sounds quicker.

HONG: Give me the three.

SAGAL: Quicker is better. All right. Shirley, here is your last quote. It happens to be from an internet electronics retailer.

KURTIS: You too can steal signs like the Red Sox. Get one for $179.95.

SAGAL: That's a quote about how the Boston Red Sox finally figured out a use for what gadget?

LEIF: I don't have a clue.

SAGAL: Well, a lot of people bought them when Apple introduced them two years ago. But nobody, until this time, figured out something useful you can do with them.

LEIF: The iPhone.

SAGAL: No, not the iPhone.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Those are - those are - iPhone - everybody knows, those are great for ignoring your family.

(LAUGHTER)

LEIF: I don't know. I don't read the sports pages.

SAGAL: It's all right. Well, you've already won. I'll give it to you. They used an Apple Watch. They did. In the two years since the Apple Watch was introduced, nobody has figured out what it's for...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Other than distracting you from your phone, which was distracting you from talking to your family.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Then during a game last week, the Yankees filmed the Red Sox dugout. They saw this guy looking at his watch - his Apple Watch - then giving a signal that got to the batter who then hit the cover off the ball. They figured out that the watch was an Apple Watch. And it was relaying stolen signs from an observer in the field. Proof - after one signal, the batter ran around in circles to get his 10,000 steps.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So the question is, did the Red Sox cheat? Of course they cheated. This is New England.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: They came up - the Red Sox...

HONG: Uh-oh.

SAGAL: They only came up with this Apple Watch scheme when they could not figure out how to deflate a baseball.

BODETT: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: And the other thing was they saw the guy in the stand who was feeding the signals was Bill Belichick.

SAGAL: There you go.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: This is a technique I use for avoiding bad dates.

SAGAL: Really, how so?

HONG: Yeah, like, if I show up at a date, and he's wearing an Apple Watch, I'm, like, douche.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Really? It's, like, an instant...

HONG: Move on.

SAGAL: ...Instant disqualifier?

BODETT: How are you at Fitbits?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Shirley do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Shirley whiffed one, but she had already won. Two out of three, Shirley.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Shirley.

BODETT: Congratulations, Shirley.

SAGAL: Thank you, Shirley. Bye-bye.

LEIF: You're welcome. Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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