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ALEX COHEN, host:

There was no doubt which candidate was the Democrat and which was the Republican when the two presidential contenders appeared this weekend at the Saddleback Church here in California. Our humorist Brian Unger tuned in. Here is his analysis in today's Unger Report.

BRIAN UNGER: The presidential contest was thrown into utter chaos when media platforms from CNN to readersdigest.com broadcast the candidates' conversations with Saddleback Pastor Rick Warren, who posed this provocative question.

Rev. RICK WARREN (Evangelical Pastor): Does evil exist?

UNGER: Wait a minute. Are we electing a superhero? Does evil exist?

Rev. WARREN: And if it does, do we ignore it? Do we negotiate with it? Do we contain it? Do we defeat it?

UNGER: Or do we call 911 and pray that the cops get to us in time to catch the evil running out the back door with my flat-screen LCD television? Ah, we might as well ignore it. But if you're running for president, the answer to this question is so simple. I mean, come on!

Rev. WARREN: Does evil exist?

UNGER: Yes.

Rev. WARREN: Do we ignore it?

UNGER: No.

Rev. WARREN: Do we negotiate with it?

UNGER: No.

Rev. WARREN: Do we contain it?

UNGER: No.

Rev. WARREN: Do we defeat it?

UNGER: Yes, you defeat it. Seriously, this campaign is starting to get way too deep. Does evil exist? What happened to the question: Do jobs exist? A doctor I can afford, does that exist? A cheap flight to Columbus, Ohio, does that exist, senators? Anyone? Pastor Warren? Anyone know anything about the jobs, doctor, LAX-to-CMH conundrum? But I'm getting too philosophical.

Rev. WARREN: Does evil exist?

UNGER: Ignore, negotiate, contain or defeat. Personally, I avoid. I don't return evil's e-mails. I walk on the other side of the street when I see evil coming and frankly, I'm still angry at evil for keeping the dog and limiting my visitation. I mean, this was a dog that evil and I got together! So we know evil does exist. Now...

Rev. WARREN: Do we ignore it?

UNGER: Yes! Nothing makes evil angrier than just pretending you don't hear it. It hates to be ignored. You could engage it, argue, call it names like oh, you're so evil! But that only encourages it!

Rev. WARREN: Do we negotiate with it?

UNGER: I like to bargain. I'm a bargainer. So I'd say yes, negotiate with evil. In fact, I would walk in, offer a price, and say take it or leave it, evil. And I want satellite radio for free. In this economy, evil's got a lot of inventory to move.

Rev. WARREN: Do we contain it?

UNGER: Now, I'm not sure what this means, contain evil. Is that like putting up a fence, guarding it and keeping it over there and not here? This sounds a lot like the Bush immigration policy. So I'm leaning toward no on contain evil.

Rev. WARREN: Do we defeat it?

UNGER: Well, if defeating it means raining nuclear weapons down on it with a torrent of vaporizing radiation, I'm going to say no. But if defeating it means putting it in the pool with Michael Phelps, I say on your mark, evil! We are electing a superhero, aren't we?

And that is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger.

COHEN: Humor from Brian Unger is a regular Monday feature here on Day to Day.

Day to Day is a production of NPR News, with contributions from slate.com. I'm Alex Cohen.

ALEX CHADWICK, host:

And I'm Alex Chadwick.

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