Who's Carl This Time? Carl reads three quotes from the week's news: This week's issue of Us Wikileakly; The Don't Ask Don't Tell debate don't want to end; and life discovered in California!
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Who's Carl This Time?

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Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

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Carl reads three quotes from the week's news: This week's issue of Us Wikileakly; The Don't Ask Don't Tell debate don't want to end; and life discovered in California!

CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you. Thank you, Carl. Thank you everybody. Oh, yes, we got Mike Rowe from the Discovery Channel program "Dirty Jobs." He'll be here to see if he can handle the dirtiest job of all, answering our questions. By the way, a little known fact about Mike Rowe, he started "Dirty Jobs" on public radio. That's true. It was a public radio program at first. It was basically, at that time, just an hour of him trying to milk Garrison Keillor.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just a lot of uncomfortable silence, really, it wasn't much of anything. Well we'll be keeping it clean on this week's show, so give us a call and answer some questions. The number 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

RYAN BARBER: Hey, this is Ryan from Summerville.

SAGAL: Hey Ryan, Somerville, MA?

BARBER: Somerville, MA.

SAGAL: I love Somerville, MA. I used to spend a summer getting drunk on cheap beer in Davis Square, love that place.

BARBER: That's right where I am.

SAGAL: Is that what you do?

BARBER: Pretty much.

SAGAL: Oh yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Ryan, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to a comedienne who's first CD, "I Heart Jokes" is out now. She's performing in San Francisco at the beautiful Palace of Fine Arts on Saturday, December 18th, Ms. Paula Poundstone.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hi, Ryan.

BARBER: Hey, Paula.

SAGAL: Next, it's one of the women behind the Washington Post's "Reliable Source" column, Ms. Roxanne Roberts is here.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi, Ryan.

BARBER: Hi.

SAGAL: And, finally, it's the man behind the podcast taking the world by storm, "Too Beautiful to Live," Mr. Luke Burbank.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

LUKE BURBANK: Hey, Ryan.

BARBER: How's it going, Luke?

SAGAL: Ryan, you're going to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell, of course, is going to start with three quotations from the week's news. Your job, correctly identify or explain two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. You ready to go?

BARBER: You bet.

SAGAL: Here we go. Here's your first quote.

KASELL: Well, don't worry about it. You should see what we say about you.

SAGAL: That was Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. She was relating the response she got from a foreign diplomat after a big document dump from what organization?

BARBER: That would be WikiLeaks.

SAGAL: WikiLeaks, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, we got deeply classified state secrets, the lighter side. Thanks to WikiLeaks, we now know American diplomats behave much as we expected they do, like a bunch of junior high school kids texting each other under their desks during Social Studies class.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's like Us Magazine for news junkies. Oh look, foreign leaders, they're just like us.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Kim Jong-il is fat. Sarkozy is insecure. Ahmadinejad is crazy. Also, and this may be the coolest one of all, Angela Merkel is, quote, "uncreative."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: German diplomats protested. That's not fair. You should see her one- woman show, The Vagina Merkelogues.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, it's very moving, really.

BURBANK: I was just getting milking Garrison Keillor out of my head. Now I have the Merkelogues to deal with.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's about self-empowerment, damn it, don't you go there. There's more from the WikiLeak files. Muammar Ghaddafi of Libya always travels with a, quote, "voluptuous" Ukrainian nurse who, quote, "knows his routine," unquote.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, she knows it. The rest of us can guess it.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: These gossipy revelations prompted outrage from other world leaders. Nobody told me we can get voluptuous Ukrainian nurses. What's going on?

POUNDSTONE: How many were there that were available this time?

SAGAL: Hundreds of thousands of documents.

POUNDSTONE: And so one of them really did say that Angela Merkel was not creative?

SAGAL: Yes.

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: A lot of these...

ROBERTS: And risk-averse, right?

SAGAL: Risk-aversive. A lot of these...

POUNDSTONE: Risk-averse.

SAGAL: Risk-averse.

ROBERTS: Risk-averse.

POUNDSTONE: Oh no.

SAGAL: That's why it took her so long to convince her to do her one-woman show.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: But that's what it said? It just said Angela Merkel is uncreative? Was it in a context?

SAGAL: Yeah, it was the context of...

POUNDSTONE: So they had been doing something together that required creativity?

SAGAL: Yeah, they had been making collages.

POUNDSTONE: They were coloring or something?

SAGAL: Apparently they were sitting around. Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: But these are all the sorts of dispatches where the American diplomats are presumably sharing their deep thoughts and insights back home.

POUNDSTONE: Right. That's what I'm saying, though. How is this deep?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Well, maybe the theory here is, okay, so how do we get to Ghaddafi, for example. It's like, okay, he has actually four Ukrainian nurses.

SAGAL: Four Ukrainian nurses?

ROBERTS: Yeah, but...

BURBANK: Listen, five would be excessive.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: So, he's a classy guy.

ROBERTS: So maybe the theory here is you embed an American spy pretending to be a voluptuous blonde Ukrainian nurse.

BURBANK: Aren't we devious?

POUNDSTONE: You're voluptuous or you're not voluptuous. You don't pretend.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Wonder bra.

POUNDSTONE: If you could pretend to be voluptuous, I believe I would be pretending.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

ROBERTS: You have not been in a singles bar for years, have you?

POUNDSTONE: Did you think I looked like this because I'm a stickler for honesty?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Ryan, you still with us?

BARBER: You bet.

SAGAL: All right.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I worry sometimes. All right, Ryan, here's your next quote.

KASELL: We have a gay guy in the unit. He's big, he's mean and he kills lots of bad guys. No one cared that he was gay.

SAGAL: That was a special ops fighter quoted in a Pentagon study issued this week about what?

BARBER: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The exhaustive report from the Pentagon found that most of the active military and their spouses don't care, really, about allowing gays to serve openly and they wouldn't mind it if they did. The only resistance remaining to changing the policy comes first from the Marine Corps, because there's nothing at all gay about really muscular guys with short hair and tattoos and a thing for travel.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And more inexplicably from Senator John McCain. Nobody quite knows why Senator McCain is so doggedly against letting gays serve openly. Everybody knows that McCain served with gays himself during the siege of Troy.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And you know what went on in those tents, you know. McCain has been moving the goalposts on this issue for a long time. Well, for a long time he said that he'd be okay with letting gays serve as long as the Pentagon said it was okay. Now they've said it's okay. McCain's like, fine, but what to do the other shapes think?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Is the triangle all right with this?

BURBANK: You know the triangle is going to be fine with it.

SAGAL: Yeah, I guess so. Not the square though.

BURBANK: It's a given.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, Ryan, here is your last quote.

KASELL: Sorry, no ET.

SAGAL: That was one of many headlines we saw after who made a big, if still underwhelming, scientific announcement this week?

BARBER: NASA?

SAGAL: Yes, very good. NASA, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Very good.

BARBER: Thank you.

SAGAL: NASA said that it was going to have a big announcement about extraterrestrial life on Thursday. So all week, people wondered what's it going to be, has life been discovered on another planet, has there been a message from space? As it turns out, scientists found a really weird bacteria in a lake in California. They coaxed it in the lab so that its chemistry was slightly different than what was previously thought possible for living things. That's the big news. An alternative lifestyle in California.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Of course, now that it's out, the bacteria says it just wants to be left alone and have the same rights as all other bacteria. That's fine. But John McCain says he still doesn't think they can serve openly in the military.

POUNDSTONE: The thing had arsenic instead of...

SAGAL: Phosphates.

POUNDSTONE: Instead of phosphates.

SAGAL: Yes, that's the big news.

POUNDSTONE: Arsenic. So arsenic is part of it?

SAGAL: Sort of. It's kind of complicated. All life on earth uses basically five different elements as its building blocks.

POUNDSTONE: I know that.

BURBANK: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And this bacteria, through manipulation in the lab, ended up using arsenic instead of phosphate. So there you go. And that's interesting because it means that life could take a slightly different form than we expected.

ROBERTS: So it's arsenic, chocolate.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: And caffeine.

SAGAL: Exactly. Pop Tarts.

ROBERTS: Pop Tarts.

BURBANK: If I was one of the scientists and I was, you know - _I'd pulled this thing out of Lake Mono, which is the lake, they brought it out of Mono Lake.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: Arsenic would not be the thing I would try to feed it right away.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: I think you'd start it off on something nicer, like...

BURBANK: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...cranberry juice.

BURBANK: Buttermilk.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: Something. Arsenic seems like - isn't that poisonous?

SAGAL: Hot chocolate.

POUNDSTONE: Well...

SAGAL: It is.

POUNDSTONE: Two of the scientists were Cary Grant's aunts.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Then they tried old lace.

SAGAL: Yeah. Carl, how did Ryan do in our quiz?

KASELL: Ryan, you had a perfect game, three correct answers.

POUNDSTONE: Whoa.

KASELL: So you win our prize.

SAGAL: Well done.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing.

BARBER: Thank you, guys.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

POUNDSTONE: Bye.

BARBER: Bye.

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