Who's Carl This Time? Carl reads three quotes from the weeks news: Buy two wars, get one free; The rise of T-Paw; Carl's tribute to Liz.
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Who's Carl This Time?

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Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

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Carl reads three quotes from the weeks news: Buy two wars, get one free; The rise of T-Paw; Carl's tribute to Liz.

CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Palace Theater in Waterbury, Connecticut, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you, Carl.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, all. Thank you, everybody. Great to be here in Waterbury. We - oh, I know you're excited and I don't blame you, because we do have a great show for you today. It's also going to be a great one for us, and this is why: Look, we admit it; we at NPR, we have to make ourselves more exciting. We're all steak, no sizzle.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And the steak? Actually, tofu.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyway, who better to tell us how to spice it up and give the American people what they really want, who better than our guest today, Jerry Springer?

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I'm so excited. He's going to revamp the whole NPR schedule. So while you're waiting for the new show, "Hitting You Over the Head with the Splendid Table"...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Give us a call. The number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

JONATHAN CHIGFRY: Hi, this is Jonathan Chigfry. I am from Dubuque, Iowa, but I'm calling from the phone of Bruce and Stephanie Hanson in Falcon Heights, Minnesota.

SAGAL: Oh, Falcon Heights. What are you doing there in Minnesota?

KASELL: I'm a licensed music teacher in Minnesota, but right now I'm a stay-at- home fiancee and...

KYRIE O: Wow.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What is a stay-at-home fiancee? It's when your fiance says stay-at-home.

PJ O: Are you a licensed stay-at- home fiancee?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Jonathan. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a writer for the Boston Globe magazine and author of the book, "Idiot America," Mr. Charlie Pierce of Boston, Massachusetts.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a deputy editor, a blogger for the Houston Chronicle and a native of Connecticut, Ms. Kyrie O'Connor.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

CONNOR: Hi, Jonathan.

CHIGFRY: Hi, Kyrie.

SAGAL: Finally, it's a humorist and author of the new book "Don't Vote: It Just Encourages the Bastards," from New Hampshire, Mr. PJ O'Rourke.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

ROURKE: Hey, Jonathan.

CHIGFRY: Hey, PJ.

ROURKE: I don't think my wife is going to let me get that job of stay-at- home fiancee.

SAGAL: Jonathan, welcome to the show. You're going to play "Who's Carl This Time?" Of course. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. Your job: Correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize: Carl's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to go?

CHIGFRY: Absolutely.

SAGAL: All right, let's get started with your first quote.

KASELL: Barack Obama has now fired more cruise missiles than all other Nobel Peace Prize winners combined.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was from a blogger known as Iowa Hawk. He was noting the irony as we continued an assault on what country?

CHIGFRY: That'd be Libya.

SAGAL: Indeed, Libya, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Unlike the last few wars against Muslim countries, this one happened pretty suddenly. It was kind of an impulse buy.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The president was bored; he was surfing on over to Amazon.com. And it was like Amazon said: Well, people who went to war with Afghanistan and Iraq also bought these armed interventions.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And Obama's like, hey, free shipping. Why not? One click. You know what it's like, though - you're sitting around and you order something late at night. A few days later, the missiles arrive and you're like, man, what was I thinking? I didn't need those.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But no worries, the White House has assured us that we are not at war with Libya. This despite our bombs raining down upon it. It turns out it's just that Obama just isn't into labels. They're so confining.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We have this thing with Libya now. It's good. It works for both of us. It may last; it may change. Why put limits on it?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The last thing we need is Libya getting on our case every time we decide to bomb another country.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROURKE: I'm not sure what we're bombing over there. Have you looked at Libya?

CONNOR: Yeah.

ROURKE: It looks like the original go-pound-sand mission, you know.

SAGAL: Well, yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

CONNOR: I think we got both of their planes.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Some conservative critics of the president - have you heard this - they've complained because Obama reportedly was convinced to launch the airstrikes by a group of high-powered female advisers, include Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Apparently, if you drop a bomb because a woman told you to, it is a sissy bomb.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: According to Rush Limbaugh, for example, wars have to be like Rush Limbaugh. They have to horrify the women around them.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROURKE: I think Obama, like many another husband, was just failing to listen to the tone of voice in which these things were said.

SAGAL: You think they were being sarcastic. Yeah, fine, why don't you send another one?

ROURKE: Yeah, just drop a bomb on Libya.

SAGAL: Go ahead.

ROURKE: Yeah, just go ahead. Yeah.

SAGAL: All right, your next quote is part of a new segment on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! Sing it, Carl.

KASELL: (Singing) Getting to know you, getting to know all about you.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Carl Kasell.

CONNOR: Wow.

SAGAL: All right, your next quote is about the latest Republican considering a White House run.

KASELL: He's a super nice fella, personal and down to earth, but he's also kind of boring.

SAGAL: That was John Ward, writing in the Huffington Post about what former governor who declared he's running for president?

CHIGFRY: Oh.

ROURKE: Go with the kind of boring.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

CHIGFRY: Former president, or former...

SAGAL: Governor. This is his problem. He announced an exploratory committee this week and you have no idea. That sort of sums up this guy.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

CHIGFRY: Oh man, I've got nothing.

SAGAL: I'm going to tell you who it is, and I bet you still won't know who it is. Have you ever heard of a guy named Tim Pawlenty?

CHIGFRY: Oh my gosh, yeah.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So the answer is Tim Pawlenty. Obviously, he's doing a great job of getting his name recognition up there.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

CHIGFRY: Well, yeah.

PIERCE: Excitement is building.

SAGAL: He is the former governor of the state where you're standing right now.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And he succeeded there in Minnesota because unlike his predecessor, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, he was not completely nuts.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And he plans, pretty much, to apply the same strategy to the race for the Republican presidential nomination. His campaign slogan will be: Pawlenty - you know, in your heart, you'll have to settle.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Maybe Pawlenty: Not Reagan - but not Newt Gingrich, either.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Pawlenty: Hey, you have to vote for somebody.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER,)

CONNOR: Pawlenty, the other white meat.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

PIERCE: He's convinced, from the experiences of Hubert Humphrey and Eugene McCarthy and Walter Mondale, that America is hungering for a president from Minnesota.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's about time.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, Jonathan, here is your last quote.

KASELL: My breasts are full of love and life.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

KASELL: My hips are round and well apart.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

PIERCE: If that's not on the next fundraiser, we deserve to be defunded.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was a line from a famous movie star's arguably most famous role, "Cleopatra." She died this week at the age of 79. Who was it?

CHIGFRY: Would that be Elizabeth Taylor?

SAGAL: It would be Elizabeth Taylor. Well done.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It was Elizabeth Taylor. We lost her this week. Or, to be more accurate, it was Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky. That was both her final legal name and, by weird coincidence, the starting lineup of the '67 Mets.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Wouldn't it have been great if her last husband had been named Anthony Etcetera?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She was, some say, the greatest movie star ever. She was more beautiful, more famous than any other. And of course, she was more scandalous than Angelina Jolie snorting coke off Charlie Sheen's backside.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The line you heard Carl intone - quite fetchingly, I thought - was from "Cleopatra," once the most expensive movie ever made. Ms. Taylor said if somebody was dumb enough to give her a million dollars to make a movie, she wouldn't be dumb enough to turn it down.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She was known in her latter years as a survivor of all kinds of tragedies. One example, her third husband, the producer Mike Todd, died in a plane crash. So his best friend, Eddie Fisher, came to comfort her and eventually left his wife, Debbie Reynolds, to become Elizabeth Taylor's husband number four. As Fisher's daughter Carrie put it, quote: My father flew to Elizabeth's side, making his way slowly to her front.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Jonathan do on our quiz?

KASELL: Well, Jonathan had two correct answers, Peter. So Jonathan, I'll be doing the message on your voicemail. Congratulations.

SAGAL: Well done.

CHIGFRY: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Jonathan.

CHIGFRY: Thanks.

SAGAL: Take care.

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