Who's Carl This Time? Carl reads three quotes from the weeks news: The Big Story, The Stories About the Big Story, and What If You Threw a Debate and Nobody Came?
NPR logo

Who's Carl This Time?

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/136067601/136067595" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/136067601/136067595" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

Carl reads three quotes from the weeks news: The Big Story, The Stories About the Big Story, and What If You Threw a Debate and Nobody Came?

CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you, Carl.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Wow, thank you everybody. I really appreciate. Yeah, well, I'm pretty excited too. We got a fun show for you today. Comedian Demetri Martin will be joining us later to play Not My Job. But first, you all know we got some surprising news this week, but at the same time, we had been waiting for that news for about a decade. As it turns out, we had actually written some jokes in anticipation of this occasion back in 2001.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We were hoping they still might work.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So, as we start out the show, let me just try some out and see how it goes. Here's one: wow, the US military is better at finding their man than Ally McBeal.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, all right, I got another one. The news was so good, I rewound my VHS cassette and watched it again.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, well maybe we'll try to come up with some fresh ones. Give us a call at 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

KRISTY STONE: Hey Peter, this is Kristy Stone calling from Nashville, Tennessee.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Nashville?

STONE: Good. Looking forward to you guys coming in a few weeks.

SAGAL: Yeah, we're coming in a month or so. We've never been - I've never been to Nashville. What should I do when I go there?

STONE: Let's see, well, there's all the country music stuff, I guess, if you're into that.

MO ROCCA: When you're looking at Peter, you're looking at country.

SAGAL: That's true.

AMY DICKINSON: That's right.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Kristy. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to a comedian and a host at vocolo.org, Mr. Brian Babylon of Chicago.

BRIAN BABYLON: Hey, hey, that's true. How are you? Hey.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, say hello to the woman behind the advice column Ask Amy, Ms. Amy Dickinson.

STONE: Hey, Amy.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: Hi.

SAGAL: And a correspondent for CBS Sunday Morning, Mr. Mo Rocca is here.

STONE: Hi, Mo.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: Hi there. I love Nashville.

SAGAL: Now you, Kristy, are going to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. Your job, of course, correctly identify or explain two of them; do that and you'll win Carl's voice on your voicemail or anything else you want to put it on. Ready to go.

STONE: Ready.

SAGAL: Here you go. Now your first quote is the above the fold headline from the New York Times on Monday morning.

KASELL: "Another Side of Tilapia, the Perfect Factory Fish."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: That's right.

SAGAL: Oh, I'm sorry, that was the headline that they had ready to go.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Before they stopped the presses late Sunday night. It was ultimately replaced by a headline announcing what?

STONE: The death of Osama bin Laden.

SAGAL: Exactly right, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We can give that a round of applause. So this week, we found out that bin Laden had spent the last six years living in a compound in an upscale Pakistani town called Abbottabad. Neighbors said the residents of the house, they were nice enough; although, every Halloween the guy who lived there always dressed as Osama bin Laden.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Except for last year, when he was a Chilean miner, like everybody else.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyway, so President Obama, as we know, announced that Navy Seals had gone in and killed him. And he made this speech on Sunday night and he said, quote, "America can do whatever we set our mind to," unquote. And that's true; we can solve any problem as long as the solution involves Navy Seals.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You don't have health insurance? The Seals will repel down from helicopters and shoot your cold in the head.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: But you know what, no one is really talking about, you know, that Osama bin Laden's wife was there and she got shot in the leg. Now that's the interview that I want to hear. Like, you know, like, girl, what happened? You know?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Girl, what happened in there? Tell me.

DICKINSON: Yeah, man.

BABYLON: I want that to be Oprah's last interview.

DICKINSON: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: But like, I'm, like, so into the Seals now.

SAGAL: Everybody is.

DICKINSON: Oh, it's not just me?

SAGAL: Yeah, apparently.

DICKINSON: It's not just women of a certain age?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I don't think the...

SAGAL: All the women in America are really into Navy Seals and all the guys in America are going, "Yeah, I'm a Navy Seal."

ROCCA: Yeah.

DICKINSON: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I don't think that...

SAGAL: Turns out, there's 40 million of them. Who knew?

DICKINSON: Call me a cougar; I'll call you a Seal.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And the Seals are like - and all the Seals in the bars are like, "Yeah, I know I'm 50 and overweight, I'm undercover."

BABYLON: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Once we get home, this all comes off. I'll show you.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, we're not leaving this story yet. Here's your next quote. It's about the aftermath.

KASELL: "We don't need to spike the football."

SAGAL: That was President Obama explaining why he was not going to release what?

STONE: The photo.

SAGAL: Yes, the photos of bin Laden's body, of course.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That's right, you got that right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The frustrating thing about finally killing Osama bin Laden is that you can only do it once. So the media moved on to obsessing over whether or not the White House should release postmortem photos. As you heard, the president decided that we Americans, quote, "Don't need to spike the football," which made everybody ask, once again, "Was this guy born here?"

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Of course we spike the football. We invented spiking the football.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A real American president...

BABYLON: Give an end zone dance.

SAGAL: Yeah, exactly. He would release the photo by sponsoring a Nascar driver and painting it on the car.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The media lost its mind this week. I mean, on Sunday night, they were waiting for the announcement and Wolf Blitzer had to vamp for like 90 minutes as they delayed the announcement. And he knew the news, but he couldn't say it. It wasn't sourced correctly. So he was like, oh, it's so exciting. I can't tell you. I'll give you a hint. It's inladenbay is edday.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But then, you know...

DICKINSON: Rhymes with Obama.

SAGAL: Once the news was finally confirmed, CNN's John King just kept looking into the camera and saying, "Osama bin Laden is dead. Osama bin Laden is dead." Unfortunately, he said it so many times, he activated an ancient curse and brought bin Laden back to life.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I hate it when that happens.

ROCCA: My favorite media coverage was TMZ's.

SAGAL: Really?

ROCCA: Because TMZ, afterwards, it was just a question they put out and I thought it was great. They said how many people think that after Obama went back to the private residence that night that he and Michelle had sex? I mean, if your husband goes and kills the most evil man on the planet, that's a huge turn-on.

BABYLON: Yeah.

ROCCA: I mean, right?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Yeah, yeah.

ROCCA: I just love, like, you made the world safe, now make my bed dangerous.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Anyway, the hardest problem for the media this week, of course, was keeping the names straight. Here, for example, is an anchor on the Canadian network GlobalTV.

CIA: It started when Obama took office. He directed the head of the CIA to make killing Obama their number one priority.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

Unidentified Female: Back in August, they got a possible on where Obama might be hiding. He was located, possibly, they believed that...

SAGAL: So everybody made this mistake. Fox News made it. MSNBC made it too and the BBC. So President Obama, now that this is all taken care of, has ordered that our next public enemy number one has a name that is absolutely nothing like his.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So the FBI has said the new worst threat to our freedom is a Kabul propane dealer named Mitt bin Romney.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, something else did happen this week. Here is your last quote.

KASELL: "It's like a beauty contest where all the women are ugly."

SAGAL: That was South Carolina Republican operative Bob McAlister. And he was describing a big event hosted by the South Carolina GOP and Fox News on Thursday. What?

STONE: Oh, is it potential Republican presidential debate?

SAGAL: Yes, that's exactly what it was.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It was, believe it or not, May 2011 and that was the very first official Republican debate of the 2012 election cycle. Held on Thursday, it featured Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Herman Cain, Rick Santorum and Gary Johnson, known by his nickname, "Who the hell is Gary Johnson."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Yeah, you know, Peter, any time you have a former CEO of Godfather's Pizza...

SAGAL: Yeah, that's Herman Cain.

BABYLON: It's horrible.

SAGAL: What, they couldn't get the guy from Domino's? I mean really.

BABYLON: You couldn't get Poppa John? Come on, give me a break.

SAGAL: By the way, I want to say this about Gary Johnson, who none of you know who he is. Gary Johnson is the former two-term governor of New Mexico. And he is the only actual declared candidate in the race. Everybody else just has exploratory committees. So if nobody else declares and Obama just decides to suddenly quit, you know, to become a Navy Seal, I don't know.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We could end up with President "Who the Hell is Gary Johnson."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Kristy do on our quiz?

KASELL: Well, you can't do better, Peter. Kristy, you had three correct answers, so you win our prize.

STONE: Woo-hoo.

SAGAL: Well done.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Kristy.

STONE: Thank you.

ROCCA: So Kristy, you win the GOP nomination.

SAGAL: Exactly, why not?

Copyright © 2011 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.