'Hamlet's Kitchen': 'To Be Or Not To Be,' By Gordon Ramsay In honor of tonight's return of Fox's Hell's Kitchen, we go slightly mad mashing up Shakespeare and the always colorful, always frequently bleeped Gordon Ramsay, chef and reality star.
NPR logo 'Hamlet's Kitchen': 'To Be Or Not To Be,' By Gordon Ramsay

'Hamlet's Kitchen': 'To Be Or Not To Be,' By Gordon Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay stars on tonight's return of Hell's Kitchen on Fox. Fox hide caption

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Gordon Ramsay stars on tonight's return of Hell's Kitchen on Fox.

Fox

Fox's popular reality cooking competition show, Hell's Kitchen, starring the usually profane superstar chef Gordon Ramsay, returns tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern. In its honor, because it is profoundly silly, we offer this profoundly silly tribute.

To be, or not to be, you [bleep]ing donkey: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The utter [bleep] of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a [bleep]ing dog's dinner,
And by opposing end it? To burn: to scald;
No more; and by a simmer to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That a simple [bleep]ing garnish is heir to, 'tis a consomme
Devoutly to be wish'd. To braise; to sear;
To sear: perchance to make a simple [bleep]ing salad: ay, there's the rub;
For in that salad what hair may be found
When you have bent over the plate with your [bleep]ing sweaty face,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes a [bleep]ing disaster of a piece of salmon;
For who would bear the pink beef (IT'S NOT COOKED!),
The returned pasta, the proud man's broken sauce,
The pangs of food poisoning, the appetizer's delay,
The insolence of [spits out rest of sentence into trashcan]
That the angry cameraman into the freezer takes,
When he himself might identify soy sauce
With a blindfold on? Why are you standing over the soup,
To grunt and sweat and stick your [bleep]ing filthy fingers in it,
But that the promise of being a meaningless figurehead in my fabulous Las Vegas restaurant,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, is [bleep-bleep]
And makes us rather eat a plate of sheep [bleep]
Than feed anyone this overcooked risotto?
Thus an idiot does make pea soup that looks like dog vomit;
And has the native hue of seaweed
I'm sicklied o'er every time I look at this [bleep]ing scallop,
And enterprises of great [bleep] and [bleep]
With this [bleep]ing [bleep] their currants turn to [bleep],
And lose the [bleep]ing [bleep].--GET OUT!
Madam! Take off your jacket
And leave Hamlet's kitchen.