Seeing Is Believing: Setting A Fatherly Example

Steven Barnes is an author, life coach and fourth-degree black belt.

Recently, one of my life coaching clients told me there was simply no need for him in his family, that if he walked away from his children they would be fine. Perhaps even better off. When I mentioned this conversation at a social gathering, another guest told me "there is nothing a man can teach a child that a woman cannot teach."

As father of a 25-year-old daughter and a 7-year-old son, I wish to respectfully suggest that this is nonsense.

I've come to believe that our best hope for happiness as individuals, families or communities is to align our words, emotions and actions. This integrity must be demonstrated. The most critical lessons of life are learned only by hard experience and example.

I was raised by a single mother, and for all her love, strength and intelligence — she could teach me to be a good human being — she simply could not teach me how to be a man, either in relation to women, or other men. For that, I had to find my own mentors, and the search was often a painful and frustrating one.

Holding my baby boy Jason in my arms for the first time, I swore he would never have to suffer through such a search. That while his mother and I would collaborate to deliver him safely to his adulthood, it was specifically my job to help him become a man.

I swore to show Jason the way a man treats women by the way I love and support his mother, even when we're in the midst of trial. I swore to show him how to deal with other men, fairly and humanely, without allowing himself to be dominated or corrupted. I swore to show him how a man deals with fear by admitting to my own doubts and demons, wrestling with them in his sight.

I try to give my children everything I have in this life, that they might stand on my shoulders rather than crouch in my shadow. That means that both my son and daughter need to see me, be disciplined and taught and hugged by me.

I knew my daughter Nicki needed to see my heart, to know I spoke the truth, and that I kept my word. For Nicki, I've tried to show her what she should expect from whatever man she chooses as her partner.

But Jason is an aggressive little cuss, and like a wolf pup needs to know he's not the alpha male in his pack. Not yet. He needs to know that he has miles to go before he is ready to be a man.

There are times fathers simply cannot be with their children, due to military duty, extreme job circumstances and other emergencies. But those children are watching, judging those things that you consider more important than being with them. Those conclusions will shape their lives forever, and you get one chance to influence them.

No one can teach a child to be an adult. But by example, every child learns — the way they learn to walk and talk and swim and sing — by imitation and experimentation. Even an imperfect example, if heartfelt, gives them something to learn from and push against.

You don't have to be perfect. But you have to be there.