Letter To Dads: Stop Letting Moms Win At Parenting
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Matt Tobey is the editor of the Comedy Central Insider blog.
Dear new dads,
The arrival of your baby is an exciting time, but there's an elephant in the room we need to talk about: you. No, I don't mean all that sympathy-weight you gained during the pregnancy. I'm talking about the fact that, as hard as it is to admit, you're a little useless.
After all, dads can't get pregnant or give birth or produce milk from our nipples; believe me, I've tried. And while we may have convinced the world for a few millennia that we're innately suited to teaching our kids to throw a ball or bait a fishing hook, that jig has been up for a while now. In a sense, we're sort of obsolete.
Don't get me wrong. You have lots of work to do: changing, feeding, clothing, rocking, not-sleeping, you still have to do all of that stuff. But have I mentioned that a mother's body makes actual food? That's pretty hard to compete with, so it's easy to end up feeling kind of like a vice parent, which is like being vice president without the thrill of breaking ties in the Senate.
I'm not saying parenting is a competition. I'm saying parenting should be a competition. So, here's my advice: pick some menial parenting job and be awesome at it.
Take diapering, for example. Anyone can change a diaper, but you're going to turn diapering into an art form. Stay up nights practicing your technique until you master a complete diaper-change using only one hand, then using only your feet, then using only your mind!
Matt Tobey lives in Michigan with his wife, their two sons and a gassy Boston Terrier. Courtesy of Matt Tobey hide caption
Matt Tobey lives in Michigan with his wife, their two sons and a gassy Boston Terrier.
Courtesy of Matt TobeyStart a league with other dads where you use esoteric diapering lingo and snobbishly criticize mainstream wet wipes the way wine connoisseurs might talk about a boxed zinfandel.
It doesn't have to be diapering either. You could get so good at burping that people come from all over the world to learn from you, the one they call The Burp-Whisperer. Or become such an amazing swaddler that you're accused of abusing performance-enhancing drugs.
Just pick something and be indispensably great at it. And before you know it, despite the best efforts of science and nature, you might actually start to feel more useful than nipples on a dad.
Sincerely,
Matt