Who's Carl This Time? Carl reads three quotes from the weeks news: Stocks Gone Wild, Them Crazy Londoners, and M is for Marriage.
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Who's Carl This Time?

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Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

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Carl reads three quotes from the weeks news: Stocks Gone Wild, Them Crazy Londoners, and M is for Marriage.

CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Davis Concert Hall at the University of Alaska Fairbanks, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you, Carl. Thank you everybody. Thank you so much. We do have a great show for you today. We've got Captain Andy Hillstrand from the TV show "The Deadliest Catch." He'll be joining us later to give us some fishing tips.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first, things are so nuts right now in our country, they're so crazy, it's so tough. Things are so bad we've retired the bald eagle as our national symbol and replaced it with a circling vulture.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So, we did what anybody would do, in a reasonable response to the news of this week, we ran away to interior Alaska.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Where we're going to stockpile can goods and ammunition, and wait until global warming turns this place into Way Northern California.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But before we go off the grid, you've got one last chance to win Carl's voice on your voicemail. Give us a call. The number, 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1- 888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME.

COLLEEN HENRY: Hi, this is Colleen Henry, from San Francisco, California.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in San Francisco?

HENRY: Well, we're still waiting for summer to come here, but pretty good.

SAGAL: Really, because it's over in Alaska.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They've had it. They can lend it to you now, they're done with it.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What do you do there?

HENRY: I'm a doctoral student and I study social welfare.

SAGAL: Oh cool, social welfare?

HENRY: Yeah.

TOM BODETT: How's that going?

HENRY: Well, you know, we've had better days.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well welcome to the show, Colleen. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to a writer for HBO's "Real Time" with Bill Maher. Mr. Adam Felber is here.

HENRY: Hi, Adam.

ADAM FELBER: Hi, Colleen.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, a comedienne performing at the Alley Theater in Houston, Texas on August 27th. I'm talking about Paula Poundstone.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hi, Colleen.

SAGAL: And finally, a former Alaskan who's been back for a week and already smells like fish, Mr. Tom Bodett.

BODETT: Hello, Colleen.

HENRY: Hi, Tom.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now Colleen, you're going to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, Carl's voice on your home answering machine. Are you ready to go?

HENRY: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right, your first quote is a headline from Wednesday's New York Post. God bless them.

KASELL: It's crazy, like a hooker's draws. Up, down, up.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Post was referring to the wild ups and downs of what this week?

HENRY: I believe that would be the stock market.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The stock market completely lost control. It careened up and down all then. Then on Friday, it finally announced it was quitting its job, get a tattoo of the 90s tech boom on its lower back, and leaving its wife for a much younger index fund.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The President tried to calm things down with a public address on Monday, from the White House. It did not help. His optimistic message about the economy was tempered by the sight of Michelle and the kids in the background defending the vegetable garden from desperate foragers.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, I don't have any stocks.

SAGAL: You don't?

BODETT: Me either.

POUNDSTONE: No.

BODETT: I mean I did.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: No. I went broke years ago. And so, you know, part of me just sits back and chuckles.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, the volatility in the stock market, all the craziness was blamed on Standard & Poor's downgrading of America's debt rating. It hasn't had any real effect on interest rates, but it's ruined our image. Mexico is embarrassed to be living next to us.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We're bringing the continent's property values down. We're like the crack house of North America.

BODETT: Yeah. Alaskans can't drive through Canada anymore. They make them go around.

SAGAL: It's true.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here Colleen, is your next quote.

KASELL: Due to the imminent collapse of society, we regret to announce we're closing at 6 tonight.

SAGAL: That was a sign in a Subway store south of London this week. They had to close down early that day due to what?

HENRY: The riots.

SAGAL: Yes, the London riots.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: London and other cities in Britain were hit by rioters, some of whom were protesting steep cuts in government programs, while others were auditioning for Simon Cowell's new TV show, "Britain's Got Hooligans."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, the United Kingdom is not used to this. Most of their police are unarmed. They're helpless. So they've been authorized, now that the riots have continued, to use rubber bullets, water cannons, along with more traditional British weapons like cutting remarks, looking down one's nose and remaining emotionally distant.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Break out the disdain.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We'll cut them dead socially.

FELBER: Should I sign them sod.

POUNDSTONE: There's been some talk that they were using unauthorized haughty looks.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Politicians are blaming the riots on the disaffected and poor youth, but a lot of the rioters are apparently middle class or even wealthy kids. And that explains this strangely stilted British riot etiquette that we've been seeing. It's like, "Oh no, no, don't use that smash the car. That's your salad bat."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BODETT: When this happens, you know, in Cairo and Syrian places, it's the Arab spring. Is this like the British spring, the Irish spring, perhaps?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. All right, Colleen, here is your last quote.

KASELL: Even though they're identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics, they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.

SAGAL: That was a statement from the makers of "Sesame Street," responding to a growing movement demanding that who finally be legally wed?

HENRY: Oh.

SAGAL: Under the laws of New York State.

HENRY: Bert and Ernie.

SAGAL: Bert and Ernie, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The rumors have circulated for years. Two long-term male roommates, who bicker but never separate, never date girls, and enjoy bubble baths.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now that gay marriage is legal in New York, activists think the makers of "Sesame Street" should admit what's obvious to everyone and make honest muppets of Bert and Ernie.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The "Sesame Street" producers think this is ridiculous, justifiably so. What kind of person looks at a hunk of foam and thinks about it's love life?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Wow, my futon looks so unfilled and lonely; maybe I should get it an ottoman.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Well, Paula and I disagree about this.

SAGAL: You do? What do you think?

FELBER: Paula does not think they're lovers.

POUNDSTONE: I've never thought that they were lovers.

FELBER: And I always have.

SAGAL: Really?

POUNDSTONE: What do you mean always have?

FELBER: Well, not always but for quite a while.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Like when you were doing how many is one when you were watching the show as a kid?

FELBER: Sure, yeah. No.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

FELBER: But, you know, rumors have been circulating for twenty-five years about these guys.

POUNDSTONE: I don't see why that would upset people more than the inner species relationship of Miss Piggy and Kermit.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, that's true.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Colleen do on our quiz?

KASELL: Colleen, you had three correct answers. So congratulations, I'll be doing the message on your voicemail.

SAGAL: Well done, Colleen.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Colleen. Thank you for calling.

HENRY: Thank you.

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