While at the movies this weekend, I saw what may be the funniest trailer of the year, albeit not on purpose. It is for the thriller The Boy Next Door, starring Jennifer Lopez and opening Jan. 23. It called out to me. It wanted to be shown. It loves your mother's ... well, you'll see. Here are the 20 most awesome things in this trailer in chronological order.
1. Kristen Chenoweth's shirt.
2. Kristen Chenoweth's line, "He cheats with his secretary every time he goes to the office," which they apparently got out of a barrel labeled "Sassy Best Friend Real Talk From 1978."
3. The Boy Next Door hoisting a garage door, the way ladies always need teenagers to do for them after their husbands leave. Nice bicep shot.
4. The way J-Lo says, "And ... you are?" and he says "Noah," while doing the bedroom eyes he practiced in drama club. You can sort of tell he expects her shirt to come off as he's saying it.
5. An exploding van!
6. "Seems too cool to be a teacher," which is the kind of thing actual youths say to each other all the time in the Actual Youth Biodome where they raise movie people.
7. The way you can tell J-Lo is at work because she's holding glasses in her hand. Smart! Capable! Serious!
8. The terrible moment when the jogging stops.
9. "No judgments. No rules." See, you can think that, but if you say that, it's very unsexy in real life. In the movies, though? Right to the lingerie.
10. Ecstasy Face, which movies use so that you know she's receiving a foot rub. (This is a family post.)
11. "It got pretty wet here," a line apparently memorized from The Loopy Lunchroom Guide To Single Entendre, followed by the faint rumbling of a distant Godzilla awakening.
12. J-Lo teaches "AP CLASSICS." Of course she does. Fortunately, she is armed for this task with glasses.
13. "Sounds like you've been hacked." But at least she's been hacked in a sophisticated font.
14. NOOOOOOOO NOOOOOO HE'S CONTROLLING THE PRINTERRRRRRRR
15. Wet people are the scared-est people of all.
16. Hey, at least he knows how to make collages.
17. An exploding truck! This is very exciting. He's really elevated his game since the printer.
18. J-Lo and her mustard turtleneck have had enough of your nonsense, himbo. Maybe you'd like to see ... her KNIFE.
19. "I can't do that, Claire. I live next door." This line reading is brought to you by the lawyers who told that kid that yes, he is required to deliver that line, because it's in the script, and they're very sorry.
20. "I love your mother's cookies." MIC DROP.