Who's Bill This Time
BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm legendary anchorman Bill Kurtis. And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago filling in for Peter Sagal, Mike Pesca.
MIKE PESCA, HOST:
Thank you, Bill. Thanks everybody. Thank you. I am Mike Pesca. I am host of a podcast called The Gist. I am filling in for Peter Sagal. The Gist is about news and politics and whimsy. Remind you of a show you like? Anyway, I hate to have to do this, but I do need to start out with a correction of something that was said on this program last week. Peter reported a finding that there are tiny amounts of gold in our poop. Now don't worry, that is true. There are tiny amounts of gold in the poop.
PESCA: But we misidentified the group who made this claim. It's not the U.S. Geological Society, it's the U.S. Geological Survey. They noticed our mistake. I do know, somehow they're used to going through things with a fine-toothed comb.
PESCA: So they want you to know when you think about gold in your poop, think about them - the U.S. Geological Survey. We won't misidentify you when you call in to play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now, let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hello, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.
CHARLIE ANTHONY: Hi, my name is Charlie Anthony. And I'm calling from Seattle, Wash.
PESCA: Hello, Charlie. Thanks for joining us. What do you do there in Seattle?
ANTHONY: I work at a large technology company that I'm sure you've heard of.
PESCA: Yeah. And is this technology company the only place in America where you're not allowed to use the verb to Google?
ANTHONY: No, actually, I happen to do it quite often. I also happen to enjoy certain types of cherries from time to time.
PESCA: Ah, Bing!
PESCA: Now, Charlie, let's introduce you to our panel. First up, writer, humorist, rabble-rouser and contributor to The Daily Beast, P.J. O'Rourke.
PESCA: Next, Charlie, we ask you to meet a comedian performing in Troy, N.Y., at the Troy Savings Bank Music Hall on April 18, Paula Poundstone.
ANTHONY: Hey, hi, Paula.
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey.
PESCA: And a writer for HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher," Adam Felber.
ADAM FELBER: How are you doing, Charlie?
ANTHONY: Hi, Adam.
PESCA: All right, Charlie, we're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Are you ready, Charlie?
ANTHONY: I am super excited to start, yeah.
PESCA: All right, here's your first quote. It is from a governor named Mike Pence.
KURTIS: Was I expecting this kind of backlash? Heavens no.
PESCA: Governor Pence was talking about the backlash into a heavily-criticized the new law on the books this week in his state. What state?
PESCA: That is correct.
PESCA: Indiana - people across the country are boycotting Indiana to protest their Religious Freedom Restoration Act. Some people think this law is a bad thing, but thanks to Mike Pence, people now have an excuse to get out of their upcoming trip to Indianapolis.
PESCA: And, you know, both NASCAR and Walmart have come out against this law and a similar one in and is below one in Arkansas. That is right gay Americans, NASCAR and Walmart are with you.
PESCA: I'm going to say it's official.
PESCA: This is the straightest gay has ever been.
O'ROURKE: Mike, how do you boycott Indiana?
PESCA: It is a usable state to travel through.
FELBER: I have spent my entire life unintentionally boycotting Indiana.
POUNDSTONE: Well, now in a production of "Music Man," the adorable Winthrop takes the stage and sings (singing) Erie, Pa., Erie, Pa., Erie, Pa.
POUNDSTONE: Didn't - what is he? - Governor Pence?
POUNDSTONE: Didn't he start saying, like, that people were not being tolerant of Indiana?
POUNDSTONE: I love it that he turned that word - you know, he took - you want to talk tolerance? You guys are being intolerant of Indiana.
PESCA: The other thing - so the other thing that Pence did, he used the word Hoosiers a lot, if you notice that in his press conference. It was the - 13 times he said things like Hoosiers, Hoosiers are a loving, kind and decent and tolerant people. And I just think it would be cool if governors from other states use this gambit, right. Like the governor of Oregon saying we know that we beavers don't discriminate.
PESCA: Beavers are a kind, hospitable sort. A beaver baker would never refuse to serve who choose to live an alternative beaver style.
POUNDSTONE: Exactly or California - we idiots.
O'ROURKE: We are tolerant idiots.
POUNDSTONE: We're tolerant idiots.
FELBER: Idiots are kind people.
POUNDSTONE: And you - bring us a cup of water, we'll welcome you.
PESCA: Charlie here's your next quote. It's from President Obama.
KURTIS: It is a good deal.
PESCA: Mr. Obama was, of course, talking about the all-you-can-eat shrimp deal at participating
PESCA: No, he was talking about the nuclear deal reached with what country Thursday?
PESCA: That's right. Iran.
PESCA: The U.S. was actually able to reach a nuclear deal with Iran. If you're not familiar with Iran, they're sort of the Indiana of the Middle East.
PESCA: The terms of the deal were very specific. OK, deal might be a bit of a stretch. They call this thing the framework for the outlines of a deal. They say that it's the basis of a framework for a deal. Like, it's a framework for a deal-like structure to begin shaping the pre-outline of the scaffolding of the blueprint of a sketch.
POUNDSTONE: It's more of an inkling really.
PESCA: Iran will reduce its stockpile of low-enriched uranium, scale back its centrifuges. And in exchange, the U.S. will lift sanctions and Zayn will rejoin One Direction.
PESCA: They were - the big facility there, which is the Fordow facility, they agreed that...
FELBER: (Laughter) Which is oddly not-for-profit.
PESCA: It's not-for-profit, and it's not for making nukes anymore, they say. They will be turned into a nuclear research center and possibly a petting zoo.
O'ROURKE: Where all the animals glow.
PESCA: All right, for your last quote, Charlie, listen to these tweets - just a sampling of many.
KURTIS: So sad I missed breakfast. On a hangover and too late for breakfast. Ten-thirty and I was denied breakfast. You are losing customers.
PESCA: These poor souls are now rejoicing as who announced that they will now, at long last, serve breakfast all day?
ANTHONY: Oh, gosh, wait don't tell me it's McDonald's.
PESCA: It is McDonald's.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
PESCA: Yes McDonald's...
PESCA: ...They're selling breakfast all day, right?
POUNDSTONE: I actually...
O'ROURKE: 'Cause they, like, never heard of IHOP.
PESCA: Do you think - I think this came about when it the McDonald's board room, everyone was like, we need something that will sell like hotcakes.
PESCA: What can - do me, like, literally like hotcakes? Yeah. We could go with that.
FELBER: Well, we do sell hotcakes in the morning.
POUNDSTONE: I'm one of those customers who've made a mad dash to the McDonald's only to find at 10:31 that we don't have the breakfast menu.
PESCA: And I know you're not fibbing because that is the exact time they turn over the breakfast menu.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, yeah. And they are tough as nails about it.
O'ROURKE: They are.
POUNDSTONE: They're like yeah...
O'ROURKE: Ten-oh-one, there goes the Egg McMuffin.
POUNDSTONE: I always kind of craned my neck towards the back and go isn't it - it just - it's easy to just...
PESCA: Is a sausage patty that different from a hamburger? I've tasted it guys.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah exactly. I don't even, you know, I don't want the meat. If I could just - if there's like an old egg or something.
PESCA: So the stats are last year, 2014, McDonald's profits fell by 15 percent, one of their worst years ever. They've been crowded out in the fast casual category by...
POUNDSTONE: They were called fast casual?
PESCA: That's what - well, their competitors are. McDonald's is just called, you know, that old crappy McDonald's fast food place.
POUNDSTONE: Say, 'cause I felt awful. I've been over dressing.
PESCA: Bill, tell us, how did Charlie do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Charlie, Charlie, everybody's a winner here. And he did very well. It helps if you're three and oh, and you are, Charlie. You're the winner.
PESCA: Congratulations, Charlie. You win.
PESCA: Charlie, thanks for playing. Enjoy Carl's voice.
(SOUNDBITE OF MCDONALD'S AD)
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: (Singing) I'm lovin' it. I'm lovin' it.
NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.