Who's Bill This Time
BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm the man now, dog, Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Durham Center for the Performing Arts in Durham, N.C., Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, all. Thank you. Oh, stop now. We have a great show for you today. We're going to be talking with North Carolina's own Clay Aiken later on.
SAGAL: That's pretty exciting. But first, the first of Hillary Clinton's emails were leaked to the public this week, published in The New York Times. And in them, we found a reference that she listens to NPR, so we finally understand. This is why she's been trying to keep those emails secret.
SAGAL: Even if you're not the de facto Democratic nominee, we're still interested in hearing from you. Give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our games. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, welcome to WAIT WAIT DON'T...TELL ME.
BRIAN SMUGGLE: Hello, this is Brian Smuggle from Virginia Beach, Va.
SAGAL: Hey, Virginia - not far from here. How are you, Brian?
SMUGGLE: I'm doing great. Yourself?
SAGAL: Not bad, not bad. What do you do there in Virginia Beach?
SMUGGLE: My wife and I actually own an Italian ice and gelati store here in Virginia Beach.
SAGAL: Really? So you're like - you're selling ice cream to the kids in the summer?
SAGAL: That's kind of fun.
SMUGGLE: Our kids really love us.
SAGAL: I bet. Well, welcome to the show, Brian. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian, actor and film director, Mr. Bobcat Goldthwait.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Wow, hello Italian ice vendor. How are you?
SMUGGLE: I'm doing great, doing great. How about yourself?
GOLDTHWAIT: I'm okey-doke.
SAGAL: Next, it's a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of "Science Goes To The Movies," which you can find that cuny.tv - it's Faith Salie.
FAITH SALIE: Hi. Ciao, Brian.
SAGAL: Finally, it's a writer for HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher," Mr. Adam Felber.
ADAM FELBER: Hey. Hi, Brian.
SAGAL: So Brian, welcome to our show. You'll start us off with "Who's Bill This Time?" Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize - that's the voice of scorekeeper emeritus, Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Ready to play?
SMUGGLE: I am - very excited, a little nervous.
SAGAL: Don't be because it really doesn't matter.
SAGAL: That's our secret. Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: (Imitating Southern accent) It saddens me deeply that I must now go elsewhere for wings and beer.
SAGAL: That was a very recently-added Yelp review for a restaurant called Twin Peaks in Waco, Texas.
SAGAL: You knew that because of Bill's amazing, sad Texas accent.
SAGAL: That restaurant is now closed after who got into an enormous fight in their parking lot last weekend?
SMUGGLE: The biker gangs and the police officers.
SAGAL: You're exactly right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The biker rumble.
SAGAL: This was the most shocking and, judging from the media's obsession with it, coolest news story of the week. It's a biker brawl in Waco. The brawl took place at a bar called Twin Peaks, so now we finally know who killed Laura Palmer...
SAGAL: ...And those eight other people. It was crazy - I mean, I know it was violent, but it was crazy to see these old-school motorcycle biker gangs in a genuine rumble. It's like a movie in real life. These clubs were started in the '60s. It was like watching the Sharks and the Jets, but with beer guts and AK-47s.
SAGAL: Did you guys get into this...
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, I was...
SAGAL: ...The same kind of horrified fascination that we did?
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, I was like oh no, there's Eric Von Zipper.
SAGAL: That went over my head.
GOLDTHWAIT: That was the - he was the leader of the gang in the (laughter) "Beach Blanket Bingo" movies.
SAGAL: Eric Von Zipper?
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, yeah, played by Harvey Lembeck. I've got to get a job.
SALIE: They did some kind of count of how many weapons these gentlemen brought...
SALIE: ...To the scene and it was like 5.9 per person.
SAGAL: Yes, these guys - these guys definitely had a lot of weapons.
FELBER: That's why they have to have the motorcycles - 'cause they're never getting through the airports.
SAGAL: That's true. And afterwards, they searched the restaurant, and they found all these weapons that had been hidden in the toilets.
GOLDTHWAIT: Those are just wings, Peter.
SAGAL: Yeah. And in the food, apparently. They had hid them in the food.
SAGAL: Yeah, so, you know, that's why...
FELBER: How very Sicilian.
SAGAL: I know.
SAGAL: I know.
GOLDTHWAIT: I think it's insulting enough to get shot, but then to get shot from a gun from a toilet.
SAGAL: Yeah, that's unsanitary.
FELBER: Your last thought is ew, I could get an infection.
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, great, now I've got - I got a hole in my face, and I've got Hep-C...
SAGAL: Well, they also hid them in the food. I mean, I've heard of loaded nachos, but that's ridiculous.
SAGAL: Brian, here is your next quote.
KURTIS: If you have a bright green lawn, there's something wrong there.
SAGAL: That was one of thousands of tweets that were shaming people for using too much water where?
SAGAL: Yes indeed, California.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: California is suffering its worst drought in modern memory. Almonds and other expensive crops are dying, swimming pools are closing, golf courses turning brown. Maybe that'll be the turning point. You'd think that the powers that be in this country would finally address climate change once it started to affect their golf. So we have a drought in California. We have rampaging biker gangs in Texas. All we need is Tom Hardy and some supermodels and we've got "Mad Max: Encino."
SALIE: There's a name for it, right? Lawn-shaming.
SAGAL: Yes, lawn-shaming. This is a thing.
FELBER: It's happening in my neighborhood.
SAGAL: Really? How does it work, Adam?
FELBER: People are being - well, you know, you just - neighbor strolls over and, you know, you're just talking about whatever and they go, oh, your lawn looks really good. That's where it starts, that nice little compliment.
SAGAL: But - and then it's like, your lawn looks really good, you monster.
FELBER: Yeah, yeah, that's what's implied. And then - you know, then it just heats up a little bit.
SAGAL: What's interesting is apparently the new thing - I mean, as you say, lawn-shaming has been a thing, but now celebrity lawn-shaming is a thing. So people are posting, like, aerial pictures...
FELBER: Of course.
SAGAL: ...Google Map photos, drone photos of celebrities' homes and trying to shame them on Twitter. I mean, and trying to make, for example, Kanye West feel bad about wasting water. Come on, Kanye needs his water. What else is he going to walk on?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
FELBER: But that's how it works in LA. You know, it's like - it's "The Apprentice" and "Celebrity Apprentice." You know, oh, you like lawn-shaming, but now...
SAGAL AND FELBER: It's celebrity lawn-shaming.
SAGAL: Isn't it hard enough to be a woman in Hollywood without this 'cause, you know, you're going to get body-shamed for feeling bloated. You're not retaining water, are you?
FELBER: Yeah, you can't win in that regard.
SALIE: I think that a dry grotto at the Playboy Mansion is just about the right metaphor for Hugh Hefner...
SALIE: ...At this point in his life. What?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: All right, very good. Here is your last quote.
KURTIS: We've done over 6,000 shows, and I can tell you a pretty high percentage of those shows just absolutely sucked.
SAGAL: That was somebody summing up his own legacy as he ended his T.V. career on Wednesday night. Who?
SMUGGLE: David Letterman.
SAGAL: David Letterman...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...As they say. Forty years ago, David Letterman started his own career by appearing on Johnny Carson's "Tonight Show." And after three decades after hosting his own show, he has retired. He's the last connection to the days when late-night was dominated by old white men, unlike today, when it's dominated by new white men.
SALIE: Bobcat, did you perform on his show ever?
GOLDTHWAIT: I was on the show when I was 20.
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, so that was 30 years - 33 years ago.
SALIE: How was that experience?
GOLDTHWAIT: He didn't have me back.
GOLDTHWAIT: No - but yeah, when I was on the show, no one - they didn't say oh, this is a 20-year-old kid. You know, they just said this is a - he said this is the weirdest act that I've ever had. And yeah - and so - or one of the weirder ones - and yeah - so yeah, that started my career actually, Letterman. Yeah.
SAGAL: Really? Well, OK.
SAGAL: The big question in all of this, though, is what is going to happen to Paul Schaffer? Will Letterman use his precious, hoarded last wish and grant Paul his freedom...
SAGAL: ...Or will he be doomed, Paul Shaffer, to be the sidekick of the next host who rubs his head. Bill, how did Brian do on our quiz?
KURTIS: You know, Brian, I think got them all right.
SAGAL: Well done, Brian. Thank you for playing.
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