Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Shawshank Reality, He Who Shall Not Be Elected, There's an app for that?
NPR logo

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/414181143/414189289" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/414181143/414189289" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Shawshank Reality, He Who Shall Not Be Elected, There's an app for that?

BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm the man American Pharoah rides when he wants to go fast. Bill Kurtis...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here's your host, filling in for Peter Sagal at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Mike Pesca.

(APPLAUSE)

MIKE PESCA, HOST:

Thank you, thank you. Hello, I am Mike Pesca. I am host of The Gist. It's a podcast where I talk about things in the news, where I interview people, where I occasionally make wise-cracks. I cannot figure out how this qualifies me for this job.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: We well be joined by true female icon. She sets trends. She inspires art. She captivates millions worldwide. She is Kim Kardashian. You were thinking I would say Sonia Sotomayor, weren't you?

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Kim will be joining us later. Now it's your turn to play our games. Give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. And it's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hello, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

BRIAN MILLER: Hi there. This is Brian Miller from Alexandria, Va.

PESCA: Hey, Brian, welcome.

MILLER: Thank you.

PESCA: What do you do there in Alexandria?

MILLER: Well, I work for the U.S. Department of Education Office of Special Education and Rehabilitative Services.

PESCA: And for - not that that doesn't sound like fun; but what do you do for fun?

MILLER: Well, I do sing in a barbershop chorus. That's fun.

(APPLAUSE)

AMY DICKINSON: That so nice.

PESCA: Now, Brian, I want to introduce you to our panel. First up, it's a comedian who'll be performing at the Brea Improv in California, from June 26 to 28, it's Maz Jobrani.

MAZ JOBRANI: (Singing) Hello, hello, hello, hello.

DICKINSON: (Singing) Hello.

PESCA: Next, she can only sing the bass notes. It's the woman behind the syndicated advice column, Ask Amy. It's Amy Dickinson.

DICKINSON: Hey.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: (Singing) Hey.

PESCA: Finally, a former writer for "The Colbert Report" and "Late Night With Seth Meyers," Peter Grosz.

(APPLAUSE)

MILLER: Hi, Peter.

PETER GROSZ: Hey.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: Welcome to the show, Brian.

MILLER: Thank you.

PESCA: You are going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. Are you ready?

MILLER: I am.

PESCA: Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: Have a nice day.

PESCA: That was the message written on a Post-it note left in the Clinton Correctional Facility by whom?

MILLER: Oh, by - is that the two guys who escaped from the penitentiary in New York?

PESCA: That is correct, the two escaped prisoners.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

PESCA: Two prisoners escaped this week from what had heretofore been described as a maximum-security prison in upstate New York - beginning to question the definition. And all week long, the country followed as police hunted for Richard Matt and David Sweat - Matt and Sweat, as they're known. What are these guys, the hosts of Hot 102's Matt and Sweat in the Morning?

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Funny as that seemed, no; they're two dangerous murderers.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I know, but I love the fact that they were headed to Vermont for a little, like, B&B, some quilt - but you know what? They are going to be so pissed when they find out that syrup season is over.

PESCA: That's right.

DICKINSON: Like, I wouldn't want to deal with them.

PESCA: In the clink, the colors never change.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: So did we decide to call them Matt and Sweat instead of Sweat Matt?

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Right, that was the local yoga studio's promotion.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I live in New York City. And there are brilliant. Governor Andrew Cuomo said they could be anywhere in the whole country. Just, like - so there's, like, a small area of New York where people are paranoid. Don't make some grandmother in Arizona be like, they're here; they could be anywhere.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: There was one other really interesting - let's say interesting note to this - that there was an office. They say that they might have gotten help from the inside. And then there was one officer who is quoted saying that Sweat has a way with the ladies. And he told The New York Post, quote, "in all frankness, he's very well endowed."

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Wow.

DICKINSON: Wow.

GROSZ: Wait; Sweat told The New York Post that, or the source told The New York Post that?

PESCA: Sweat obviously paid off the source to give him excellent PR.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Oh, my gosh.

JOBRANI: So was that the tool?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: He got his hands on some power tools.

JOBRANI: Yeah, I don't need a chisel. I don't need a chisel.

GROSZ: I'm fine; I've got that covered.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: All right. Here's your next quote, Brian.

KURTIS: He fed his enemies to a giant snake and tortured and killed muggles just for fun. But he's still pulling better than Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush and Rick Santorum.

PESCA: That's The Washington Post recalling the various crimes committed by the man who really is polling better than a good chunk of the GOP presidential field. Who is that fictional character?

MILLER: Oh, is that Voldemort?

PESCA: Voldemort, yep.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Good for you.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: It gets a little worse if you're a second, third or fourth-tier GOP candidate because they're also - or I should say that the polled - they... I should say - I should - I should say that others are polling better than a bunch of current GOP nominees. Seriously, they did polls. And here who's doing better, the Terminator, Darth Vader and the shark from "Jaws."

DICKINSON: Oh, my God. What about, like, I.P. Freely? You know, how's he doing?

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: How did they take that poll with a straight face? Like - is it, like, five Republican candidates and "Jaws" - and then they do that? Or is it like...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: I question the methodology.

PESCA: Were they like, I can only pick one?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Who were they polling? I mean, are these people led to believe that Voldemort's actually running?

KURTIS: Probably.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Well, you know, he might run.

DICKINSON: (Laughter) It could happen.

PESCA: He polls well on executive experience. He polls well as a guy you'd want to share a butterbeer with. He strongly understands the problems of muggles like me. He does very well with Quidditch moms. I mean, there's a lot - what I'm saying is, there's a lot to say for Voldemort, comparatively. You know, this poll proves one thing, that no one's really breaking through the pile of Republican candidates. So we're going to give you, the voting public, a helping hand in a new segment called Get To Know A Candidate Who Will Never Be President. So let's get to know South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham this week. Mr. Graham, a lifelong bachelor, was asked who would fill the role of first lady. He told The Daily Mail, well, I've got a sister; she could play that role if necessary. I've got a lot of friends. We'll have a rotating first lady, which raises so many questions.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: How will she be rotating?

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Will it be a pedestal? Will it be, like, a rotisserie or a spit? Will it be like a Gyro at The Greek Place? As president, he'll have a state dinner. All right, shave off a little slice of first lady for this one.

JOBRANI: It would be a great reality show - like, Who's Going To Be The First Lady This Week?

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Totally.

JOBRANI: Just take people from all walks of life, you know, like whoever it is, and just...

PESCA: At the end, the very touching bald eagle ceremony.

JOBRANI: Yeah, exactly. Will you come to meet the Chinese premier with me?

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: He should have, like, a dude there. Like, he should just be like, hey, it's my buddies here. Like, this is Scooch (ph). Scooch and I went to college together. He's going to - sit here and don't do anything dumb, Scooch. It doesn't have to be - like, you don't have to have a first lady.

GROSZ: The first buddy.

JOBRANI: The first buddy, yeah, exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: All right, Brian, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: Sex has never been more boring.

PESCA: That was a headline from Vox about what company's new attempt to track your sex life?

MILLER: Oh, Google?

PESCA: It's not Google. It is a different tech company...

MILLER: Facebook.

PESCA: Apple.

MILLER: Apple.

(LAUGHTER)

MILLER: Oh, man.

PESCA: Listen, I'm sure the other two have designs too. In announcing its new operating system, Apple said that as part of the Reproductive Health section within the Health Kit app, there will be a sexual activity tracking feature.

JOBRANI: So you put it into the app for yourself to - am I rating my wife? Or am I rating myself?

DICKINSON: And don't you know when you had sex last night? I mean, like...

PESCA: That's the...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: I wish I were having that much sex where I would forget I had sex.

PESCA: Yeah...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: I can count to one. I don't need a computer to help me count to one.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

JOBRANI: You're basically showing off to your iPhone. Hey, iPhone, guess who got some last night?

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: That's right, Daddy-o.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: My wife does have a slide-to-unlock button on her stomach.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Bill, how did Brian do?

KURTIS: Brian got two out of three, so he's a winner.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: Brian, thank you so much for playing.

(APPLAUSE)

MILLER: Thank you, fabulous.

PESCA: Take care, great job.

MILLER: Thank you.

Copyright © 2015 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.