Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Be The Donald; Heated Discussion; Charitable Misgivings.
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Be The Donald; Heated Discussion; Charitable Misgivings.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Crack open a cold one, it's Biller time. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles, Calif., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much. This is great. This is so exciting. We are here in the heart of Hollywood, Calif., on the stage of the Dolby Theatre, famous as the home of the Academy Awards. Now, you might be wondering what we are doing here. Well, it turns out they have in broadcasting attractiveness equal-time rule. After every decade of shows with glamorous, beautiful people, they have to host one public radio show to balance it out.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Later on, we're going to be talking to actor Jeff Daniels, who was scouting the place in the hopes of a return visit in February. But first, we want to hear your acceptance speech when you win our award. Give us a call, the number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

AARON LEWANDOWSKI: Hi, this is Aaron Lewandowski from Michigan originally.

SAGAL: Oh, Michigan?

LEWANDOWSKI: Yep, I'm from the West side originally in Kalamazoo.

SAGAL: Right, well...

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Where would that be on the mitten, sir?

(LAUGHTER)

LEWANDOWSKI: So if you hold up your hand...

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

LEWANDOWSKI: The right hand, of course, as every good Michigander does it, then it's going to be in the lower left part of your palm.

SAGAL: Well, Aaron, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First off, it's a writer for HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher," Mr. Adam Felber is here.

ADAM FELBER: Hey, how are you, Aaron?

LEWANDOWSKI: Hey.

SAGAL: Our next nominee is a comedian performing at the Wortham Center in Houston, Texas, on January 15, it's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Hey, Aaron.

SAGAL: And a comedian whose new book is "I'm Not A Terrorist, But I've Played One On TV," Maz Jobrani.

MAZ JOBRANI: Hey, Aaron.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So Aaron, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis standing right here on the stage of the Dolby will perform three quotations for you from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win a prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your home voicemail. Are you ready to play?

LEWANDOWSKI: I have been waiting something awful for the longest time to play.

SAGAL: All right, well, your wait is over. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: Houston, we have a problem.

SAGAL: That was from a confidential memo from the Republican Party, talking about what to do if who actually gets their nomination?

(LAUGHTER)

LEWANDOWSKI: I would have to imagine that would be Donald Trump.

SAGAL: That's right, Donald Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Republican Party has now gone through all the stages of Trump - denial, depression, bargaining, considering a move to Canada and finally acceptance. So The Washington Post published a secret memo sent to Republican Senate candidates. If Trump gets the nomination, the memo says, don't fight Trump, be Trump. Don't talk policy, say what you're going to do. Don't be so stiff. You know, instead of laying out your nine-point plan for immigration reform, find an immigrant and punch him in the face. A focus group of Trump voters - this is true - was asked, tell us what Donald Trump could say that would lose him your support, and they said nothing. There's nothing he could say that will lose his support. That's why his new slogan is Donald Trump - I banged your wife.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Good slogan, it's direct.

POUNDSTONE: And his numbers have gone up since that came out.

JOBRANI: And then I deported her, to...

FELBER: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: ...Because that's what I do.

FELBER: I like that attitude. It shows that he's not a politician.

SAGAL: That's true.

POUNDSTONE: Well, you know, the whole thing about him not being a politician and not being a panderer is such erasure. Remember when he went to Alabama, and they had to keep increasing the size of the venue that he...

SAGAL: Right.

POUNDSTONE: ...Could speak at? So he's talking to them, and he holds up a copy of his book, "The Art Of The Deal..."

JOBRANI: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: ...And he says this is my favorite - and then he stops himself and he goes my second-favorite book. And he goes you know what my first favorite is. And even the Alabamians were like no.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And he goes the Bible. Well, that makes all the sense in the world, Donald Trump, the Bible and "The Art Of The Deal." One simply dovetails into the other, doesn't it?

FELBER: Yeah.

JOBRANI: Right.

FELBER: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: They're selling them in a box set this Christmas.

FELBER: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Jesus was a builder as well, right? They - Trump is a...

SAGAL: Yeah, it's true. Well...

JOBRANI: ...Real estate guy. Jesus was a real estate guy.

SAGAL: ...Jesus was a carpenter, Trump's a builder. It makes - there's a certain consistency there.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, yeah.

JOBRANI: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, it makes - no, you know why the Bible could not be his favorite book? Because his name is not in it.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Aaron, your next quote is from the president of these United States.

KURTIS: I'm optimistic; I think we're going to solve it.

SAGAL: Now, that was President Obama expressing optimism that a big conference this week will be successful in solving what?

LEWANDOWSKI: The climate crisis.

SAGAL: Exactly, climate change, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: At...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yes, we're all for climate change. At the start of the big international meeting on climate change in Paris this week, President Obama said he was, quote, "optimistic" that people could come together and solve this problem. Really? Has he ever met people?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, the goal at these talks in Paris is to limits the rising in Earth's temperature to 2 degrees Celsius over the next century. That's a particularly hard goal for the U.S. to achieve because we have no idea what 2 degrees Celsius is.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Maybe the president should use that to stir our action. He'll, like, say you guys, 2 degrees Celsius is like 400 degrees American.

FELBER: Whoa...

POUNDSTONE: I thought it was a milliliter.

FELBER: ...I better crank up my fridge...

SAGAL: I guess so.

FELBER: ...And open it.

POUNDSTONE: Apparently, the whole meeting started with the guy running it saying is it hot in here, or is it me and then getting up and adjusting the thermostat.

SAGAL: Yeah, so do you guys share the president's optimism about the ability of people in the world to get together and solve this global problem?

JOBRANI: Well, didn't our own Congress vote it down before it even happened?

SAGAL: Well, sort of - all the Republicans, of course, are against this, especially the presidential candidates. Mike Huckabee said, quote, we need a commander-in-chief, not a meteorologist-in-chief," unquote. But why not? Wouldn't it be fun - think about it - to see Obama deliver the State of the Union in front of a green screen...

JOBRANI: Yes.

SAGAL: ...Like a weatherman. He'd be like the State of the Union is generally strong with fronts of weakness and apathy moving in from the north. And now back to Joe Biden with sports.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Aaron, here's your last quote.

KURTIS: Max, we love you and feel a great responsibility to leave the world a better place for you and all children.

SAGAL: That was part of a letter from someone to his new baby daughter Max. He's going to make the world better, he says, by giving away about $45 billion. Who is it?

LEWANDOWSKI: I believe that's Mark Zuckerberg.

SAGAL: Yes, it is Mark Zuckerberg...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Facebook founder and his wife, Priscilla Chan, welcomed their new baby girl, Max, to the world. And they announced they were going to give away 99 percent of their Facebook stock to charity, including one billion to help Max get over the fact that she is a girl named Max.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: I wonder if the baby heard them go we're giving away 99 - we're giving away 45 billion - she's like you idiots. Are you kidding me? College is expensive.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Apparently since the baby heard the announcement, she's been colicky.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This seems pretty awesome, except, first of all, they say they're not going to make the gift now or even soon but over, quote, the course of their lifetimes. They're both 31. They could wait 60 years...

JOBRANI: Right.

SAGAL: ...Until they're on their death beds and say wait, we have changed our minds.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, I'm going to do the same thing. I am going to give away 45 billion, but I'm not going to do it right now.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Well, you know what? Oh, hell, I'm going to do it, too.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

FELBER: Forty-five billion Earth, take it.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, just keep checking in with us.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Aaron do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Aaron was all right, 3 and 0. Thank you, Aaron.

SAGAL: Well done, Aaron, congratulations.

LEWANDOWSKI: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thanks for playing.

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