Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Mr. Presumptive; We Really Regret The Error, Fantasy Football
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Mr. Presumptive; We Really Regret The Error, Fantasy Football

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm the Mother's Day present your mom really wants.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thanks everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So excited for our show today. Later on, we're going to be talking to the creator and star of the TV show "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend." That's Rachel Bloom. Now, "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" is the show that makes stalking of an ex more goofy musical fun and less boiled rabbits.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We haven't blocked your number - yet - so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. It is time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

LILY SEGAL: Hi, this is Lily Segal calling from Boston, Mass.

SAGAL: Lily Segal?

P.J. O'ROURKE: Hi Lily.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We're practically relatives, I'm sure. How are you?

SEGAL: I'm doing very well. How are you?

SAGAL: That's great. Can I borrow some money?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What you do in Boston?

SEGAL: I'm working as a community organizer.

SAGAL: Oh, one of those, eh?

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: There's no future in that.

SAGAL: Yeah. Well, welcome to the show, Lily. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's a man of few words, especially recently published ones, Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT: Ouch.

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Hi Lily.

SEGAL: Hello Tom.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a comedian who will be performing at the Headliners Music Hall in Louisville, Ky., on May 12, it's Helen Hong.

HELEN HONG: Hi.

SEGAL: How are you?

HONG: Hey Lily.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Finally, it's a humorist and the author most recently of "Thrown Under The Omnibus." That's P.J. O'Rourke.

O'ROURKE: Hi Lily.

(APPLAUSE)

SEGAL: Hey P.J.

SAGAL: So Lily, I bet you anticipated this but you are going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis right here is going to perform for you - recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. Identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - the voice of the one and only Carl Kassel on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?

SEGAL: I am.

SAGAL: All right, here's your first quote.

KURTIS: "We're going to start winning again, and we're going to win bigly (ph) - believe me."

SAGAL: That was someone who - and I stress this really happened - became the presumptive presidential nominee of a major American political party. Who is it?

(LAUGHTER)

SEGAL: Donald Trump.

SAGAL: Right...

(SOUNDBITE)

SAGAL: ...Donald Trump.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It is amazing to consider. We started last summer with 17 Republican candidates, and we're down to the last man standing. It's like when you put a bunch of fish in a tank and you come back later, and there's one left and he's rubbing his tummy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's a historic moment. We have seen the first black president, maybe soon the first woman president and now the first major party presidential candidate who once actually said in public he'd like to date his own daughter.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Oy.

SAGAL: It's a little strange - Democrats have mocked Republicans for not getting their crap together this cycle. And they managed it before the Democrats did. In fact, the Republicans got all their crap together, put a suit on it and will nominate for president in July.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BODETT: We should probably just move on from that.

HONG: It's a bigly piece of crap.

SAGAL: It's a bigly...

HONG: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...Piece of crap.

HONG: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Well, Peter, I have a little announcement.

SAGAL: Yes, what is your announcement, P.J?

O'ROURKE: Yeah, I have a little announcement to make. I mean, my whole purpose in life basically is to offend everyone who listens to NPR, to take - no matter what position they take on anything, like, I'm on the other side of it, you know? I'm voting for Hillary.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: What?

O'ROURKE: I am endorsing Hillary. And all her lies and all her empty promises, I am endorsing Hillary.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: The second-worst thing that could happen to this country, but it's...

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: She's way behind in second place, you know? I mean, she's wrong about absolutely everything, but she's wrong within normal parameters.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: That is a ringing endorsement.

SAGAL: I - I want to...

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: I tell you...

SAGAL: I want to hear that - I want to hear that on TV, and then I want to hear Hillary Clinton say I'm Hillary Clinton, and I'll take it.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: I mean - hey...

HONG: Wow.

SAGAL: Wow - that is...

O'ROURKE: I mean, this man just can't be president of the - they've got this button, you know? It's in a briefcase. He's going to find it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They can't hide it. It's going to be like a teenager with your booze. It's like...

O'ROURKE: It is.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Lily, your second quote is actually a series of quotes. First, here's Republican strategist Stuart Stevens last October.

KURTIS: "I don't think he's going to be on the ballot by February 1."

SAGAL: And here's Dana Milbank of The Washington Post also from last October.

KURTIS: "The day he clinches the nomination, I will eat the page on with this column rests."

SAGAL: And one more.

KURTIS: "His announcement went on so long that at about the four-month mark, he segued right into his concession speech."

SAGAL: That last one was me from last June. We were all just one of the many examples of people in media talking about Donald Trump and doing what - were...

SEGAL: Making fun of him?

SAGAL: No. Were we right?

SEGAL: No, wrong.

SAGAL: Right, we were all getting it wrong...

O'ROURKE: We were all wrong.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Is the answer, yeah.

O'ROURKE: We were wrong.

SAGAL: One of the strangest things about Donald Trump rising to be the GOP nominee is all the people who were supposed to know stuff didn't end up knowing anything. There will never be a bigger collection of arrogant, ignorant, misguided people until President Trump's first cabinet meeting.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Well, I mean, it was right across the political spectrum, too. I mean, it was all the way from Mother Jones, you know, to National Review.

SAGAL: It's absolutely true. And for the longest time, a lot of - I think there was denial. A lot of journalists seem to be denying Trump's chances despite him leading in the polls. And they did it the same way that most Republicans deny climate change. They're like it's not happening, it's not happening. And no one wants to admit that humans could ever play a role in something so terrible.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: You know, I've noticed that Trump is seeming more presidential lately. And I think the reason is that he never really wanted this to happen.

SAGAL: You think?

BODETT: He just wanted to raise his stock price. And when he decided to pull the plug on it, which was like six days into it, you know, then he just started insulting, you know, Mexicans and Muslims. And he worked his way up to - he ran out of stuff. It's like he ran out of gas. And so there's nothing left but a guy who's vaguely presidential now. He's just...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Are you saying that he was trying to get denounced and drummed out of the race by everything he's said? It's like maybe - it's like stop me before I kill again, that kind of thing?

HONG: I think...

BODETT: I really think so.

HONG: I agree.

BODETT: Yeah.

HONG: I mean, I think that's - you know, that's when he was like I could kill a guy on Fifth Avenue - no, still? Still nothing from you...

BODETT: Yeah.

HONG: ...Really?

BODETT: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Like, what? What do I have to say...

BODETT: Well, it's that...

HONG: ...To get out of this race?

BODETT: Right. I mean, that's what he - think about that night. Even the kids have so picked up on this. My youngest now when he thinks I'm being mean to him...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: ...He calls me Donald Trump.

SAGAL: Really?

BODETT: Seriously.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: OK, Tom...

BODETT: Like, I say OK, it's time to get off the game. And he'll go OK, Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Now, Tom, just tell me when he thinks you're lying to him, does he call you Hillary Clinton?

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Well, not yet.

SAGAL: We'll see...

O'ROURKE: It's coming.

SAGAL: We'll wait till her second term and then we'll see. All right...

HONG: Wait, when he wants you to pay for his college, does he call you Bernie?

BODETT: No, then he calls me daddy.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Yeah.

HONG: Thank you.

BODETT: Nice, nice.

SAGAL: Lily, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: "I told them if you win, I'll buy pizza for everybody."

SAGAL: Now, that was the manager for a British sports team which just pulled off one of the biggest upsets in the history of what sport?

SEGAL: Soccer.

SAGAL: Yes, soccer.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Huzzah...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, you may not know about the British Leicester City soccer team unless you heard any random minute of NPR this last week.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But Leicester won the English Premier League title despite the fact they were massive underdogs with only a 5,000-to-1 chance of winning. This is like your son's T-ball team winning the World Series or Donald Trump getting the Republican nomination.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, speaking of that, it's weird - their Cinderella story is about a real Cinderella, while in ours the evil stepmother won.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Right.

SAGAL: Were you guys following this at all because NPR was, like, all over it.

BODETT: I just...

HONG: I...

BODETT: ...Learned how to pronounce it when you said that.

SAGAL: All right...

HONG: I agree. I was like I thought it was Leister...

BODETT: Yeah, I did, too - Leicester?

O'ROURKE: I'm going...

HONG: OK, Leicester?

O'ROURKE: ...Like, some mouthwash - a mouthwash won a soccer game?

SAGAL: And so much for the beautiful game.

O'ROURKE: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I'm like wait, there was a soccer game?

O'ROURKE: Use your hands you idiots. It's a ball.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Lily do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Lily did great, all three right...

SAGAL: Congratulations Lily.

O'ROURKE: OK Lily.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: You pushed it in there, Lily.

SEGAL: Woo-hoo, thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Lily.

SEGAL: Thank you very much.

SAGAL: Bye-Bye.

SEGAL: Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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