Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news... Sanity For Humanity, Vlad The Emailer, It Takes An Olympic Village
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news... Sanity For Humanity, Vlad The Emailer, It Takes An Olympic Village

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. If you're looking for a TV revival, let me be your Billmore (ph) girls - Bill Kurtis. And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill, thank you, everybody. Great to see you. We have a fine show for you this week. Later on, we're going to be talking to Sharon Jones of Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings. She is the amazing soul singer whose career really didn't start until she was in her 40s. It's an inspiring story for millennials - you have another 20 years before you have to move out of your mom's basement, so good going.

You can become somebody who's played our games by calling us at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SHMUEL THALER: Hi, Peter. This is Shmuel Thaler from Santa Cruz, Calif.

SAGAL: Shmuel, how are you?

THALER: I'm wonderful. Thank you for asking.

SAGAL: Shmuel is an old-fashioned name. You don't sound like an old-fashioned person, though.

THALER: No, and when I call and say hi, this is Shmuel Thaler, they don't go, which Shmuel Thaler is that?

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you, Shmuel, to our panel this week. First up is a veteran of "The Colbert Report" and co-creator of the comedy blog Quality Time with Pete and Deb. It's Peter Grosz.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER GROSZ: Hi, Schmuel.

SAGAL: Next is the woman behind the syndicated column Ask Amy - it's Amy Dickinson.

(APPLAUSE)

AMY DICKINSON: Hey, Schmuel.

THALER: Hi, Amy, nice to talk to you.

SAGAL: Finally, it is the comedian who is headlining the opening night of the Milwaukee Comedy Fest at the Lakefront Brewery on August 3. That's Adam Burke.

(APPLAUSE)

ADAM BURKE: Hello. Hi, Shmuel.

THALER: Hi, Adam.

SAGAL: So you're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

THALER: As ready as I think I'll ever be.

SAGAL: Well, then, let's do it now. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: Let's elect a sane, competent person.

SAGAL: That was former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg summing up the basic theme of a big event this week. What?

THALER: I believe that could be the Democratic National Convention.

SAGAL: It is in fact the DNC.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Pretty obvious, I guess.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Democratic National Convention this week was a celebration of diversity - everybody from A-list celebrities to B-list celebrities.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It was like an all-star telethon trying to help a struggling grandma with charm issues.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There were big speeches from Michelle Obama, then Bill Clinton, then Joe Biden and then President Obama. It was going so great. They went one night too far.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hillary, in fact, couldn't really top those other amazing speakers. It's not her skill. But she didn't really have to. America at this point just needs proof of life from her.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Yeah.

SAGAL: She just walked out with a newspaper and today's date, I think we're like, that's fine. Let's go. You know what's weird, though?

DICKINSON: Wait a minute, woah, woah. I just remembered. I'm a woman, and it was - this is like a big thing for us. I'm just saying.

GROSZ: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Oh, sorry.

DICKINSON: Yeah.

GROSZ: Us...

DICKINSON: I've been sitting here, listening to these men - forget it.

GROSZ: Can I just say I am an insane megalomaniac who is borderline treasonous, and last week was huge for me.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: So let's talk about historical things in the right perspective. Thank you very much. Let's go on.

DICKINSON: But you know what? That...

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: But that Bill Clinton speech was so endearing.

GROSZ: When he said, in 1971, I met a girl, I was like - well, who was that? Oh, wow, oh, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Oh, yeah. OK, fine.

DICKINSON: Oh, that...

GROSZ: No, Hillary Clinton, oh yeah, keep going.

SAGAL: Yeah, in 1971, I met a girl. Don't tell Hillary.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I will say...

SAGAL: His speech was amazing. He did his best to describe what makes his wife unique, starting with the story of how he pursued her relentlessly, which is not actually what makes her unique.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I like that she said that she had, you know, shattered the glass ceiling. But Trump said that was just another example of our crumbling infrastructure. And that's...

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: When he gets elected, he's going to put in a new, better unbreakable glass ceiling.

GROSZ: Exactly.

SAGAL: Now, we should say...

DICKINSON: And we'll make the Chinese build it and install it.

BURKE: Right, right.

GROSZ: And he's going to put the women on the top, and he'll be on the bottom, looking at them like, nice legs.

DICKINSON: Nice gams.

GROSZ: You - you're a six. Keep walking.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Very good, Shmuel. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: Russia, if you're listening...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...I hope you're able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That was somebody leavening a serious political week with just a little soupcon of treason.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who was it?

THALER: Shockingly, I believe that was a Republican candidate for president, Donald Trump.

SAGAL: It was Donald Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: So Mr. Trump wasn't getting enough attention.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: He held a press conference on Wednesday, and he was asked about this hack of emails from the Democratic National Committee, which experts say was probably done by Russia. Trump defended himself from charges basically of asking a foreign power to interfere in an American election by saying he was, quote, "sarcastic." Yeah, right.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I was really annoyed because I was hoping he was referring to his entire campaign.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I was kidding around - can't believe you guys bought it.

GROSZ: Yeah, ever since July 15, 2015.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So this...

BURKE: Let's all have air quotes around the entire year.

SAGAL: This latest - you can't keep up - this latest in a bizarre incident raises the question, what do you do in November if your party's nominee has both won the election and has been convicted of treason?

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I also - I liked in that press conference, he was like, Hillary hasn't held a press conference for 500 days, and people are like, yeah, that's another thing we like about Hillary.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here, Shmuel, is your last quote.

KURTIS: Please fix my toilet.

SAGAL: That was a request from one of the athletes who just arrived in Rio for what big event?

THALER: I would hope that would be the Olympics.

SAGAL: It is the Olympics, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Rio Olympics, they're upon us.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Olympians. You struggled and trained and competed, and now you have won the right to come to an Olympics and win giardia.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The venues all over Rio are still under construction a week before the games. There are constant shootouts in the streets everywhere in Rio, and the Olympic torch is just going to be a burning dumpster.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Aww.

SAGAL: And the biathlon is going to be shooting and running.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yes, exactly - for your life. The only good news is that things are so bad in Rio, even Zika mosquitoes are canceling their plans and staying home.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I kind of like the idea of Olympics being - because they spend billions upon billions of dollars - apparently, it's a terrible investment. I like the idea of them being a little bit more makeshift. I want them to be a bit more like Burning Man, where you just kind of chill out.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Maybe I'll run, maybe I won't. Who knows?

GROSZ: Some of these lanes don't have hurdles. OK, that's fine.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: You just run over drugged-out people...

GROSZ: This shot put is a doughnut.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: That's not a shot put.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Shmuel do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Perfectly. He got them all right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Shmuel. Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

THALER: Well, thank you very much.

SAGAL: Thank you. Take care. Bye-bye, Shmuel.

THALER: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BLAME IT ON THE BOSSA NOVA")

EYDIE GORME: (Singing) Blame it on the bossa nova with its magic spell. Blame it on the bossa nova that he did so well. Oh, it all began with just one little dance. But soon it ended up a big romance. Blame it on the bossa nova...

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