Panel Round One
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Peter, studies done on a 2,000-year-old Egyptian mummy show that the people of ancient Egypt were what?
PETER GROSZ: They were obsessed with - it was a study done on a mummy.
GROSZ: They were obsessed with removing the organs of a body through its nose.
SAGAL: No, I'll give you a hint. This particular mummy - he was an ancient priest - was found in an ancient Barcalounger.
GROSZ: They were obsessed with napping.
SAGAL: Rest, which meant - means that they were generally...
GROSZ: They were lazy.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Ancient Egyptians - at least this guy - were just as slovenly and lazy as we are.
GROSZ: That's why they got my ancestors to build those pyramids.
AMY DICKINSON: Well, you see all those pictures of them walking in that funny way with their feet all pointed in one direction and everything. They're walking...
SAGAL: Yeah, well, according to this, now walking like an Egyptian is like stopping every 20 feet for a breather because...
SAGAL: It's an ancient priest, who they're calling Alex, and he is on display at the Israel Museum. And he's doing there exactly what he did when he was alive, which is absolutely nothing.
ADAM BURKE: Did the archaeologists have to brush away regular dust and Cheeto dust?
SAGAL: Exactly. That's how they knew.
GROSZ: Well, they also found him with, like, a nacho chip hat.
SAGAL: From henceforth, the mummy will be known as Alexander the Meh...
SAGAL: ...Husband to Cleophatra (ph).
SAGAL: Adam, you've heard about the health benefits of almond milk and cashew milk. But according to a new study, it is the milk of what that may have the ultimate health benefits?
BURKE: Well, it's going to be something very weird.
SAGAL: It is.
DICKINSON: It's something you milk.
SAGAL: It is something, in fact, that you milk, although it's very hard to do so because when you go to milk them and you turn on the light, they scurry away.
GROSZ: Oh, no.
BURKE: Wasps. No (laughter), is it cockroaches?
SAGAL: It is cockroaches. Cockroach milk...
SAGAL: ...The latest health food sensation. Finally something you can be vegan about.
GROSZ: Wait, so cockroaches are mammals?
SAGAL: Well, no.
SAGAL: Cockroaches are insects that normally lay eggs and then walk away. Except there's one variety of cockroach that actually sticks around to feed its disgusting young with a kind of milk that it generates to feed them, just like mammals do. And all of a sudden, cow milk doesn't seem that gross, does it?
DICKINSON: Oh, my God.
BURKE: Are there cockroach herders out there?
SAGAL: Yeah, little cockroach herds.
DICKINSON: I mean, how did they find this out? Like, somebody tested it and found out...
SAGAL: Yeah, somebody was examining these cockroaches. And scientists tested this milk substance, and they found out it had much more nutrients - protein, all the good stuff - three times as much as regular cow milk. So they're thinking if they...
DICKINSON: If you had that tiny little cup.
SAGAL: Yeah, it's very hard. The problem, of course...
GROSZ: Yeah, what are they like - let's see, Barry, you're new, why don't you drink this cockroach milk?
GROSZ: Oh, come on, guys, you already made me clean out all the test tubes. Sorry, dude, newest guy has got to drink the cockroach milk.
SAGAL: This news, it means that your horrible, gross apartment is now an artisanal farm.
GROSZ: People are going to be, like, setting out, like, you know, 50 years from now, it's going to be, like, my dad built this cockroach farm.
GROSZ: And I'll be darned if the government's going to take it away from us. Somebody's going to be...
BURKE: (Singing) Give me a home where the cockroaches roam (laughter).
GROSZ: Somebody's going to be running for president and they're going to be like, I was born the son of a cockroach farmer.
BURKE: I'm just looking forward to the product, I can't believe it's not cockroach butter.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "MILKSHAKE")
KELIS: (Singing) My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right, it's better than yours. I could teach you, but I'd have to charge. My milkshake...
SAGAL: Coming up, our panelists, yada, yada, yada. It's a "Seinfeld" Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
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