Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Matt Finished, Sticks and Stones, and One Bad Apple.
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Matt Finished, Sticks and Stones, and One Bad Apple.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey there, Fergie, get a load of Bill-I-Am.

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody.

SAGAL: Thanks so much. Good to be back here at our home base. We have so much fun for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Kristin Chenoweth. She's - yes, she's awesome. She's famous for being a star on Broadway in "Wicked" among others, a TV star, "Pushing Daisies" and "The West Wing." And for being just 4 feet, 11 inches tall.

KURTIS: Wow.

SAGAL: So finally, somebody I can both admire and look down on.

SAGAL: If you don't care how tall you are as long as you can reach your phone, give us a call. The number - 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SARAH BIRCHFIELD: Hi, this is Sarah Birchfield (ph) from Long Beach, Calif.

SAGAL: Oh, from Long Beach. I once lived in Long Beach. Now, what do you do there?

BIRCHFIELD: I'm a marriage and family therapist.

SAGAL: Oh, you are?

BIRCHFIELD: I am.

SAGAL: And how's that going?

BIRCHFIELD: Good.

SAGAL: Good. Let me ask you quick - little late for me - is there is every single secret to saving a troubled marriage?

LUKE BURBANK: How often do you openly laugh at your clients' problems, Sarah?

SAGAL: Sarah, let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's the host of the public radio variety show "Live Wire." That'll be at the Neptune Theatre in Seattle on September 10. It's Luke Burbank.

BURBANK: Hey, Sarah.

SAGAL: Next, a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" whose new book is called "Approval Junkie." It's Faith Salie.

FAITH SALIE: Hi, Sarah.

SAGAL: And a writer for HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher," it's Adam Felber with us today.

ADAM FELBER: Hi there, Sarah. How are you?

BIRCHFIELD: I am good, thank you.

SAGAL: Sarah, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off, of course, with Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to recreate three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, identify or explain two of them. Do that, you will win our prize, the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?

BIRCHFIELD: I'm ready.

SAGAL: Then let's. Here's your first quote.

KURTIS: (Reading) Looking forward to moderating the NBC news forum. Hope you'll tune in.

SAGAL: That was somebody tweeting about moderating a presidential town hall event this week. He hasn't tweeted since.

SAGAL: Who was it?

BIRCHFIELD: Matt Lauer.

SAGAL: Yes, Matt Lauer.

SAGAL: At the commander-in-chief forum on Wednesday night, the instant media and internet consensus was that history had been made. For the first time in this campaign, Donald Trump took the stage and was not the biggest idiot on it.

SAGAL: It was also the first time both candidates appeared at the same event, although not at the same time - first Hillary, and then after a break it was Donald. This led to speculation that Donald Trump is really Hillary Clinton in a clown suit.

SAGAL: Matt Lauer spent a third of his half hour with Clinton asking her about her emails. You know, questions about which font she used. And Mrs. Clinton - this is true - was criticized by the head of the RNC for not smiling while responding to this.

FELBER: She's so much prettier when she smiles.

SAGAL: It's true.

BURBANK: Hey, man, it's free. Just smile, little lady. That was, like, Rance Priebus' follow-up? I feel kind of bad for Matt Lauer, to be honest with you, because Donald Trump is not playing the same sport that everybody else is playing.

FELBER: That's true.

SAGAL: That's a little true.

BURBANK: So the - like, Matt Lauer is like the pitcher in a softball game and he's, like, throwing the ball towards Trump and Trump picks up a cantaloupe and throws it at a Toyota Prius.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: Like, and then goes, I win. Like, it's - they're - he's not on the same page as everybody. So how are you supposed to pin somebody down who does not live in the same reality as everybody else?

SAGAL: It is true. Lauer got a lot of grief. Trying - to get a straight answer from Trump, it's like trying to get a sip of water from a flame thrower.

BURBANK: (Laughter).

FELBER: Yeah. You know, but to me the whole thing, though, was kind of like a case study in the subtle ways that sexism operates except it was incredibly not subtle.

FELBER: You know, for some reason hillary Clinton comes out there and Matt Lauer turns into Ralph Kramden. He's like, I'm going to ask you some questions, but none of your yapping.

FELBER: Don't start yapping at me 'cause we're running out of time here, Hillary.

SAGAL: Exactly. Lauer among other things tried to pin Trump down on his supposed plan to defeat ISIS. Trump has said that he - and he's been saying this for months, that he has a secret plan to defeat ISIS but he won't say it because he doesn't want ISIS to find out. And he's also said...

FELBER: ...Because it's changing the locks - is the entire plan.

SAGAL: Pretty much.

BURBANK: And changing the nuclear codes to password one.

SAGAL: Yes.

SAGAL: All right, Sarah, here is your next quote. And this next quote, I should stress, is from a respected world leader.

KURTIS: (Reading) You son of a whore.

SAGAL: That...

SAGAL: ...Was an actual quote from the president of the Philippines. He was speaking - at least directing the comment at another leader who was visiting Asia this last week. Who was that?

BIRCHFIELD: Obama.

SAGAL: Yes indeed, President Obama.

SAGAL: President Obama's 11th trip to Asia this week did not start well. There was this strange dispute with Chinese officials about his arrival, and that prevented the usual big formal staircase they roll up to Air Force One from being used. So for the first time, the president visiting a foreign country in front of the cameras had to exit a plane by pulling the emergency hatch and sliding down the chute.

FELBER: Which was fun.

SAGAL: Oh, it's great. He's doing it this time - from now on.

SALIE: Well, he took off his heels beforehand.

SAGAL: Absolutely. And then the thing with the Philippine president happened. They had scheduled a formal meeting between the two presidents. But the new president of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte, said that if at that meeting Obama dared to criticize him he would curse at the, quote, "son of a whore." Now, Obama should have been flattered because Duterte has said the same thing about Pope Francis. He called the U.S. ambassador to the Philippines a, quote, "gay son of a whore"...

SALIE: Wow.

SAGAL: ...Which is both a terrible insult and a great idea for an Amazon original series.

FELBER: Yes.

SAGAL: He actually - he apologized later when Obama canceled the meeting.

FELBER: I loved his apology.

SAGAL: What was his apology?

FELBER: I believe his apology was along the lines of, like, I hope he didn't take that son of a whore thing personally.

SAGAL: Yeah.

SAGAL: All right, Sarah, here's your last quote.

KURTIS: (Reading) It really comes down to one word - courage.

SAGAL: That was a company explaining that yes, it was courage - courage - that made them ruin the new model of their best-selling product. They did this at a big announcement on Wednesday. What's the company?

BIRCHFIELD: I feel Apple.

SAGAL: Yes, it's Apple, of course, who did this. They had their big Apple, you know, event on Wednesday. This week, the big news that they announced in front of the world was that they took away the headphone jack from the iPhone 7, the next iPhone, because as you heard it takes courage to make sure that every single set of headphones that everybody owns is now completely useless.

SAGAL: Hear that, emergency first responders and firemen? Sure, you rush into a burning building to save whole families, but would you have the courage...

SAGAL: ...To remove a really useful feature from a phone?

SALIE: I...

SAGAL: Yes?

SALIE: ...Have extremely small ear holes. And...

FELBER: ...Stop bragging.

SALIE: I know.

BURBANK: Wow.

SALIE: And nothing ever fits in them ever. I cannot - this is wrong. This is not right. This is like - what do they call that plus-size women's store? It's, like, called The Forgotten Woman? I have the forgotten ear holes. Nobody ever makes things for my ear holes. I can - what am I supposed to do...

BURBANK: Also...

SALIE: ...Tim Cook?

BURBANK: ...How many different things have you been trying to jam in your ear?

FELBER: Yeah. Well...

SALIE: I have...

FELBER: ...Clearly a carrot doesn't work.

SALIE: I have never met an ear bud that will fit in there.

SAGAL: This is like a - this is like the beginning of a letter to Macworld forum.

BURBANK: Yeah.

FELBER: Dear Macworld, I am semi reptilian and your ear buds do not fit in my ear slits. As young Sleestak on Earth, I wonder what I might do to accommodate my horrifying ear slits.

BURBANK: Also...

FELBER: Yes?

BURBANK: ...I have a hard enough time keeping track of the iPhone earbuds that I currently have, which have the whole, you know...

SAGAL: Wire.

BURBANK: ...wire happening. I looked at a picture of these new ones online and I lost them.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sarah do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She gave us good therapy and got all right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Sarah.

FELBER: Thank you, Sarah.

SALIE: Thanks, Sarah.

SAGAL: Thanks so much for playing.

THE RAELETTES: (Singing) Hit the road, jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road, jack, and don't you come back no more.

RAY CHARLES: (Singing) What you say?

THE RAELETTES: (Singing) Hit the road, jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road, jack, and don't you come back no more.

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(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, " HIT THE ROAD JACK")

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