Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news... How About a Presidential Rebate Instead, Errorist, Brangexit
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news... How About a Presidential Rebate Instead, Errorist, Brangexit

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Love lift us up where we Bill-ong (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. Man, oh, man, we have a great show for you this week, especially because of our guest, actress and author and bon vivant Jamie Lee Curtis. She'll be joining us later. But first, the country was rocked this week by the news that a, quote, "foreign agent" had hacked into as many as 500 million personal Yahoo accounts.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's right, America, sometime in the near future Russian operatives might try to blackmail you with your 2003 Fantasy Football league ranking.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Chances are, though, nobody will ever find out if you called in to play our game, at least nobody important, so give it a try. Call us at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now, let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JILL BURGESS: Hi, this is Jill from Dallas.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Dallas?

(APPLAUSE)

BURGESS: Oh, they like Dallas...

SAGAL: They do...

BURGESS: Dallas is hot. I know that's shocking.

SAGAL: I know. What do you do there in Dallas?

BURGESS: Actually, funny enough, I run a barbecue restaurant.

SAGAL: Oh, that's not funny. That's deadly serious.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Listen, this is what I want you to do. You stay there. I'm leaving here. I'm going to come join you...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Because I'd much rather eat than do anything else.

BURGESS: And my laundry room smells deliciously like barbecue sauce.

SAGAL: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'm sorry, I'm just lost in a reverie right now. Well, welcome to the show, Jill. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, a comedian whose movie "Jimmy Vestvood: Amerikan Hero" is at the Gene Siskel Film Center here in Chicago. It's also in Camera Cinemas in San Jose this week. It's on iTunes and elsewhere online. You can see it, but here he is. It's Maz Jobrani.

(APPLAUSE)

MAZ JOBRANI: Hello, Dallas.

BURGESS: Hello. Congrats.

SAGAL: Next, the woman behind the syndicated advice column Ask Amy, it's Amy Dickinson.

(APPLAUSE)

AMY DICKINSON: Howdy.

BURGESS: Hi.

SAGAL: And a correspondent for CBS "Sunday Morning" and host of the "Henry Ford's Innovation Nation," Saturday mornings on CBS, that's Mo Rocca.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Jill, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is now going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

BURGESS: Fantastic, yeah.

SAGAL: All right, here we go, Jill. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: Hillary Clinton is taking the day off again. She needs the rest. Sleep well, Hillary. See you at the debate.

SAGAL: That was someone being totally and completely sincere in wishing Hillary Clinton well in advance of their big debate on Monday. Who is it?

BURGESS: Oh, possibly, Donald Trump?

SAGAL: Just possibly, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Donald Trump. Yeah, she got it right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Secretary Clinton has been preparing for the debate in long prep sessions at her home, reportedly practicing against both the restrained, on message Trump and also an unhinged, more normal Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So she's using two stand-ins for practice - your racist uncle and a petri dish filled with rabies.

(LAUGHTER)

MO ROCCA: I think she should psych him out by coming out on a gurney, just rolling out.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: And then leaping out after a couple of minutes like a ninja.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: He's like every jock that you hate in those '80s movies, right?

SAGAL: He is?

ROCCA: He's goading her along. He's like, oh, you know, you're a big wimp. You're over there resting again, huh? You know, "Karate Kid," remember that guy in "Karate Kid?"

DICKINSON: It's time for the montage.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah. Donald Trump is definitely the head of the Cobra Kai Dojo.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We know this.

JOBRANI: Exactly, that's the guy I'm talking about.

SAGAL: That's the guy.

DICKINSON: And so now we need a montage of, like, her, like, getting ready, like, phew, phew, phew. You know, like...

JOBRANI: And Bill being like, wax on wax off.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: That's how they get into trouble...

SAGAL: But that's actually true. You make a good point because Clinton's challenge will be not to do what Al Gore famously did in 2000, i.e., roll his eyes, sigh, wear her I'm With Stupid pant suit.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But at the same time, she's got to put him off his game, right? So what they're thinking she'll do is she'll go over and shake hands with him. And as she's doing it, she'll look down and go, oh, they're so adorable.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: Well, he's a - but isn't it - I've heard that he's sort of a germaphobe.

SAGAL: He is...

DICKINSON: Yeah...

SAGAL: He doesn't like shaking hands...

ROCCA: So if she is sick she should just breathe all over him.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Jill, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: It was just a burning dumpster like you see around the city.

SAGAL: That was one New Yorker's somewhat blase reaction to what big incident over the weekend?

BURGESS: The guy setting off bombs in Chelsea and Elizabeth and all those other places.

SAGAL: That's exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The great Chelsea bombing of 2016.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This week showed that America will never be defeated by our enemies as long as our enemies are really dumb. So what happened was, and this is all true, this would be terrorist says, I'm going to plant some bombs in New York City. And he chooses Chelsea, the neighborhood in lower Manhattan.

And why does he choose Chelsea? Does he have a thing against, like, trendy, farm-to-table restaurants? No. The police say because that's the only place you can find a parking space in that part of Manhattan.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And the bomber was in luck because alternate side of the street bombing rules were suspended that day.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So again so, he comes in with two bombs. One he puts in a dumpster, that limits the blast, probably saves lives. The other one he puts in a rolling suitcase - leaves on a sidewalk, runs away. And almost instantly, two guys are like, hey, free suitcase.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So they grab it. And they're running away with it. Again, this is all true. They go, this is too heavy, what's inside it? They open up. They see a pressure cooker wrapped in wires with a cellphone attached to it. They say, well, that's dumb. And they take it out. They put it on the sidewalk, and they run away with their new suitcase.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Only in New York...

DICKINSON: Unreal.

SAGAL: And when they took it out, they somehow, by jostling it, defused it.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Hilarious.

SAGAL: So, you know, all those movies in which, like, you know, the secret agent is, like...

DICKINSON: Cutting a wire...

SAGAL: ...Sweating over, like, green wire, red wire. Turns out all James Bond needed was a hobo to come trip over it.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: As someone who lives a few blocks from there, I'm especially grateful that this guy sucks at his job.

SAGAL: He really is terrible.

DICKINSON: Yeah.

SAGAL: So this - it gets even better. So by the way, the bomb was seen by an NPR producer. That's your pledge dollars at work.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She calls into the police. Police come to get the bomb, they disarm it. The cellphone is the guy's own cellphone.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And it's got these selfies of him that he took in his cellphone, which is why an APB went out for, like, wanted terrorist making duck face.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: I wonder if his teacher was watching on television. Oh, I - not like that.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Oh, he did it. Oh, no. He did it again. Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: So he's disappointed. Oh, come on. That's not how I taught you to do this.

DICKINSON: (Laughter) Oh, God.

JOBRANI: By the way, they say Muslims never condemn this, I'm condemning this right now. I'm condemning this.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: The guy was an idiot, and not good at what he did anyway.

SAGAL: Exactly...

DICKINSON: Yeah...

JOBRANI: So screw that guy.

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: Have you registered your disapproval on Yelp?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Does he have, like, a Yelp page for the bomber? Very poor bombing.

Jill, your last quote is about a big celebrity story this week.

KURTIS: On a 1 to 10 scale, this is approximately 17.

SAGAL: That was the editor-in-chief of People magazine talking about the divorce that rocked the world this week, whose?

BURGESS: Oh, the sad demise of Brangelina (ph).

SAGAL: The sad demise of Brangelina, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: That sounds like Garcia Marquez title...

DICKINSON: OK - it does (laughter). So I was just talking to my daughter about this, naturally. And she didn't care all that much because, as she said, well, you know, I've always been team Jennifer.

(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I was like, what?

ROCCA: What was their - I've actually already forgotten. What was their joint name when it was Jen - was it...

JOBRANI: Bennifer (ph).

(CROSSTALK)

ROCCA: No, that was Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.

DICKINSON: No...

SAGAL: It was Brad Pitt and Jennifer...

ROCCA: Was it Braniston (ph)?

DICKINSON: They didn't have that. It didn't start...

SAGAL: That sounds like one of those countries in "Mission Impossible" they have to overthrow.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: That Afbaniston (ph).

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: (Laughter) Afbaniston...

ROCCA: I think that Angelina Jolie should hook up with Chris Pine now because Cranjelina (ph) sounds delicious.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: What was she when she was with Billy Bob Thornton?

ROCCA: Crazy.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Jill do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, they'll be celebrating at the barbecue. She got them all right, three and zero.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Jill.

BURGESS: Thanks, y'all. It was fun.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "WE ARE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER")

TAYLOR SWIFT: (Singing) We are never ever, ever getting back together. We are never ever, ever getting back together. You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me. But we are never ever, ever, ever getting back together.

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