Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Final Tally, Putting On Heirs, Can You Dig It
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Final Tally, Putting On Heirs, Can You Dig It

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Jingle Bills, jingle Bills, jingle I'm Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you everybody. We got a great show for you today. Some of you, we know, are listening to this as you do your last-second holiday shopping. So what you need right now is a stirring, dramatic soundtrack. So later on, we'll be talking to "Star Trek" and "Rogue One" composer Michael Giacchino, and we'll get some ideas on what you can hum as you fight that old lady for the last Xbox.

(LAUGHTER)

AMY DICKINSON: Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun (ph).

SAGAL: And that's the old lady's theme.

DICKINSON: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We'll honor your call with respectful silence, though, so give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome now our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ROB COLLINGSWORTH: Hey, this is Rob from Fort Worth, Texas.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Fort Worth?

COLLINGSWORTH: Things are fantastic.

SAGAL: I've always wondered this - what is the difference between Fort Worth and Dallas?

COLLINGSWORTH: Everything.

SAGAL: Oh, OK.

DICKINSON: Oh.

COLLINGSWORTH: We are better. Dallas is worse.

SAGAL: You know, all right, what is better than Fort Worth - in Fort Worth than it is in Dallas? What do you have that Dallas does not have?

COLLINGSWORTH: Quite literally everything.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Rob. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian whose new podcast "Old Black Magic And The Millennial" premieres in January. It's our old friend Brian Babylon.

COLLINGSWORTH: Hey, Brian.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the woman behind the syndicated advice column Ask Amy. That's Amy Dickinson.

(APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: Hi.

COLLINGSWORTH: Hi, Amy.

SAGAL: And finally, a writer for HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher," it's Adam Felber.

ADAM FELBER: Hi, Rob.

COLLINGSWORTH: Hey, Adam.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Rob, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize - the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

COLLINGSWORTH: If I lose, do I get the voice of Ira Glass?

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Whoa.

SAGAL: I'm just trying to imagine how that would go. It's like, hello, Rob's not home now.

(LAUGHTER)

COLLINGSWORTH: Act two (ph), leave a message.

SAGAL: All right, Rob, here is your first quote.

KURTIS: The Electoral College is a disaster for a democracy.

SAGAL: That was somebody tweeting back in 2012 about the Electoral College.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: He changed his tune this week when the Electoral College did him a solid.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Who is it?

COLLINGSWORTH: I'm going to go out on a limb and say President-elect Donald J. Trump.

SAGAL: You said that, and that's who it is. All right, come on.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. Yes, Rob, for six weeks since the election, liberals were like, it only looks like Donald Trump won. What if the Electoral College refuses to cast their votes for him and then - oh, they did it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: By the time liberals emerge from their denial about Trump winning the election, he will be in the middle of his third term.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And I love this - as a last minute attempt to sway the Electoral College, which is really the worst college since Trump University...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...This...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...This liberal group put together this video of celebrities like Martin Sheen and Moby...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Trying to convince the Republican electors to abandon Trump. How could it fail? Spectacularly.

FELBER: Amazingly.

BRIAN BABYLON: That sounds like - Moby and Martin Sheen sounds like some type of, like, Whole Foods campaign...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: ...To do something.

SAGAL: It wasn't well-targeted. And it turns out that Republicans don't generally binge watch "The West Wing" while listening to electronica. Who knew?

FELBER: Yeah. It's a shocker. I'm so glad that's over.

SAGAL: The Electoral College?

FELBER: I mean, so many people - yeah, so many people I really respect kind of went down that rabbit hole on Facebook and Twitter...

SAGAL: Yeah.

FELBER: ...And started, like - we can do this, guys. We've just got to get the Electoral College to listen. And that's not what's going to happen. It's a lot like regular college. The best you can do is hope that somebody gets to have sex.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Yeah.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote. It's someone speaking to his father back when he was a kid.

KURTIS: You don't love us. You don't even love yourself. You just love your money.

SAGAL: Well, that guy and his siblings have patched things up, and they'll all be working together to help their dad now. Who are we talking about?

COLLINGSWORTH: Oh, man. Eric Trump?

SAGAL: He's one of them. We'll give it to you. Eric Trump, Donald Trump, Jr., and Ivanka Trump - the Trump children.

FELBER: Or as I like to call them, the Von Trump (ph) Family Singers.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Not since - not since Edward the Black Prince of England or Uday and Qusay Hussein have there been...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Children of a leader so important to their nation's future. Will they be a good influence or a bad one? Some people think it's overblown. They're not going to do much. I mean, George H.W. Bush had a son hanging around the White House, and what damage did he ever do?

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Well, come on. He paints now, so just leave him alone.

SAGAL: Yeah, that's true.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I don't know. Those Trump kids - whoa (ph) - they seem like just the bad kids from any John Hughes '80s movie. Yeah.

FELBER: Oh, yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: Loves like - you know, that would hate on Molly Ringwald.

DICKINSON: Right.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: They're like the clique - like, the power...

FELBER: The rich kids.

DICKINSON: ...The power clique in high school. Yeah.

FELBER: They're rich kids. They've all got sweaters tied around their necks.

DICKINSON: Yeah.

SAGAL: I think of them more as, like, they're all from the Cobra Kai dojo from "Karate Kid."

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Yeah.

SAGAL: That's Eric. Sweep the leg. That's Eric.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The two sons, Eric and Don, Jr., who are mainly known for ruining perfectly nice pictures of Ivanka by being in them.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: True. Last thing I'm going to say...

SAGAL: Please.

BABYLON: ...About those Trump kids.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I wasn't talking about the big ones. I'm about that little one. I think he knows magic.

SAGAL: Yeah, yeah. Baron Trump?

BABYLON: I think he's Slytherin, bro.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. Your last quote, Rob, is from Elon Musk. He is, of course, the famous entrepreneur behind Tesla and SpaceX.

KURTIS: I'm going to build a tunnel boring machine and just start digging.

SAGAL: That was a tweet from Mr. Musk, announcing his next company will solve the problem of what?

COLLINGSWORTH: I don't know - drilling to the center of the Earth?

SAGAL: No, I'll give you a hint. He sent - this is literally true. He sent that tweet while sitting in his car and not moving.

COLLINGSWORTH: Oh, driverless cars.

SAGAL: No. What - when - in what situation would you want all of a sudden to dig a tunnel so you can escape while sitting in your car?

COLLINGSWORTH: When Donald Trump is elected president.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You brought us back to that.

FELBER: That's a good answer.

SAGAL: Yeah. Do you have any idea what I mean?

COLLINGSWORTH: I've got - I've got nothing.

SAGAL: Well, he wants...

COLLINGSWORTH: Traffic.

SAGAL: Yes, traffic. There you go.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FELBER: Nicely done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: He wants to solve the problem of traffic. And you totally relate to Elon Musk. We've all been there. You're sitting in this terrible traffic jam, and you're wishing there was some technical solution that your car could sprout wings and fly or just dig a tunnel and go under everything. That's what Elon Musk did, but the difference between us and him is that he's insanely rich and insane.

BABYLON: Can I - can I put my ignorance out on display real quick?

SAGAL: You can.

BABYLON: Two things that I really hadn't paid attention to - didn't know - was the Harambe and Elon Musk. For the long - I've been hearing people say that Elon Musk this, that Elon Musk that.

FELBER: And you just thought he was a fragrance. Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I thought he was a new - I thought he was a new Drakkar Noir.

SAGAL: Like you said, he sent out this tweet, which seemed like a joke. You know, I'm stuck in a traffic jam, and I'm frustrated. But later he said, no, he meant it. He's going to build a company to bore subterranean tunnels, and it would be called, quote, the Boring Company...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...In some Silicon Valley...

BABYLON: But don't you need, like, a - I don't know - like a permit...

DICKINSON: Permit?

BABYLON: ...To dig a giant-sized hole in the - in the road?

DICKINSON: For your own convenience?

BABYLON: Don't you have to have a treaty with the lava people or something?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I've never heard of that.

BABYLON: There's so many questions.

FELBER: The lava people are pretty nice, but it's the mole men that you've got to watch for.

BABYLON: The mole men - there you go.

SAGAL: What's great is - I love this guy 'cause this guy - this is a guy who says, I want to go to space. All right. I'm going to make a space company. I'm going to - I want to - I want a car that doesn't use gas. I'm going to build Tesla. I want to get out of traffic. He's coming up with a company for that. What we need is we just need to annoy Elon Musk with different things so he solves those.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So imagine a billion-dollar startup devoted to finding something on Netflix you both want to watch.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Oh, yeah.

DICKINSON: Yes.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Rob do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He got three right. All of Fort Worth is completely celebrating right now.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: There you are - parties in Fort Worth. Thank you so much for calling, Rob. Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

COLLINGSWORTH: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

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