Who's Bill This Time
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Hey, 007, I've got a license to Bill.
KURTIS: Kurtis is the name.
KURTIS: Bill Kurtis.
KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Great to see you here. We do have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Sarah Koenig, the creator of the "Serial" podcast and the producer of the new podcast "S-Town." But first, this week - this is true - the Library of Congress officially added to its collection the first ever episode of All Things Considered.
AMY DICKINSON: Yay.
SAGAL: It's true.
DICKINSON: Aw, that's so great.
SAGAL: More than 40 years ago - the show was supposedly honored for its contributions to keeping America informed about current events, arts and cranberry relish recipes. But we know it's really because of the original All Things Considered theme music. And here it is, for real.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC, LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's time to confess. NPR stole that music from a 1973 eighth grade sex ed the film.
DICKINSON: Oh, that's incredible. It actually reminded me of "Teletubbies." Yeah. Oh, my God.
LUKE BURBANK: That makes me think our princess is in another castle.
SAGAL: We are pretty certain that this episode of our show is the one the Library of Congress will archive. So get your shot at immortality by giving us a call at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant.
Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
MIKE GRIFFIN: Hi, this is Mike Griffin from Bainbridge Island, Wash.
SAGAL: Bainbridge Island, Wash.?
SAGAL: This is across the Sound from Seattle, right?
SAGAL: Right. So you have to commute by swimming.
GRIFFIN: I wish.
SAGAL: Do you actually wish you could swim to work?
GRIFFIN: No. Not in this cold water, no.
SAGAL: Yeah, no, no. What do you do there in Bainbridge?
GRIFFIN: I practice law and shuttle my kids around to their various activities.
SAGAL: That's an important thing to do. Well, good for you for doing it. Mike, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the host of the public radio variety show "Live Wire," which will be at the Neptune Theater in nearby Seattle, Wash., April 15. It's Luke Burbank.
BURBANK: Hey, Mike.
GRIFFIN: Hi, Luke.
SAGAL: Next it is the woman behind the Ask Amy advice column and the author of the new memoir "Strangers Tend To Tell Me Things," Amy Dickinson.
GRIFFIN: Hi, Amy.
SAGAL: And finally, we welcome back to our panel actor, comedian and host of "The Smartest Man In The World" podcast, Mr. Greg Proops.
GREG PROOPS: Hey, y'all. Hello, NPR-ers (ph).
SAGAL: Mike, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Of course, Bill Kurtis is going to start our show by performing for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, identify or explain two of them. Do that, you win our prize, the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell. Are you ready to do this?
SAGAL: OK. For a change, we are going to start the show this week with a quote from a billionaire authoritarian with questionable morals.
KURTIS: (Imitating Russian accent) Read my lips. Nyet (ph).
SAGAL: That was Vladimir Putin.
SAGAL: As you could tell, saying no way, no how did Russia interfere with what?
GRIFFIN: The 2016 presidential election.
SAGAL: Exactly right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: That's what he denied.
SAGAL: As evidence continues to mount that the Trump people colluded with the Russians, the Trump people just keep saying it's not true. It's ridiculous. Stop asking about it. They're like the world's worst magicians. Instead of trying to misdirect our attention, they just shout, don't look at my hand.
BURBANK: As long as - in the many ways that it would appear that the current president of the U.S. is emulating tactics from Putin, as long as it stops at fashion choices because I do not need to see Trump shirtless riding a horse.
PROOPS: Oh, that poor horse.
SAGAL: That'd be terrible. Even Trump's son-in-law has been found hanging out with shady Russians. Jared Kushner - that's who's married to Ivanka Trump - is going to be sent to Congress to testify. Maybe Trump is getting Kushner back for stealing his girlfriend.
UNIDENTIFIED CROWD: Oh.
DICKINSON: Wow. We are - no one is...
BURBANK: Listen, we're operating under the assumption that every show is the last show.
BURBANK: Let's get it out.
DICKINSON: Just get it out.
PROOPS: If they - if they can squash "Sesame Street" they can squash you guys.
SAGAL: Oh, yeah, like a bug. All right, here, Mike, is your next quote.
KURTIS: (Imitating British accent) The United Kingdom...
DICKINSON: Oh, my God.
KURTIS: ...Wants the European Union to succeed and prosper.
SAGAL: Bill, I've never felt this way about you before. That was from a letter Prime Minister Theresa May of the United Kingdom sent to the European Union, explaining that the U.K. was going to help the EU succeed and prosper by doing them what favor?
SAGAL: Exactly right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: We are out of here, said Theresa May in more formal language. This week, Ms. May sent what's called the Article 50 letter to the EU, or as you might call it, a dear Jacques letter.
SAGAL: It starts the process of withdrawing from the European Union, which the British people voted to do last summer. Remember how we laughed and laughed about how they voted to do something so dumb?
DICKINSON: Those were the days.
SAGAL: Those were the days. So now that the letter has been sent, it starts the process. The U.K. and the EU have to figure out how to, like, set up border controls and tariffs and who gets the dog. It was fairly easy, actually. Britain was like, well, we insist on keeping our national cuisine. And Europe was like, that's cool.
SAGAL: And Britain was like, really? You don't want any of this delicious spotted dick? France was like, no, we're good.
DICKINSON: You know when the person who's leaving tells you it's going to be best for you - like, that's what my ex-husband - that's their trick...
SAGAL: That's what they say, right?
DICKINSON: Yeah. That's what they say.
SAGAL: It's - you're going to be so much better off without me.
DICKINSON: It's - everything's going to be so much better for you.
PROOPS: Was it?
DICKINSON: Actually, yeah, it was.
BURBANK: So there's a chance...
SAGAL: It's all right, France.
BURBANK: ...For the European Union.
SAGAL: Listen to Amy.
SAGAL: Greg, you were just there, right? How were the people in Britain feeling about it?
PROOPS: Oh, as cheerful as they always do about everything.
PROOPS: The reason why I like going there is I'm an optimist. In America, I'm a bitter cynic. There I'm Pollyanna.
PROOPS: I was in Scotland, too. And they're talking about their own independence if Brexit goes through.
PROOPS: And what I'd really love to see is there be a border patrol where the train has to stop and the Scots come on board and they're like, (Imitating Scottish accent) OK, who's English on this train?
PROOPS: (Imitating Scottish accent) I need to see your papers.
DICKINSON: Nobody can do a Scottish accent. That's amazing.
SAGAL: That's really good.
DICKINSON: Yeah, you're amazing.
BURBANK: Hey, Greg, say read my lips.
PROOPS: (Imitating Scottish accent) Read my lips.
PROOPS: Neh (ph).
SAGAL: All right, Mike, your last quote is about some good news.
KURTIS: If every spider in the world started working together they'd be able to do it in a matter of months.
SAGAL: That was a dire warning from the AV Club after news this week came out that spiders, if they wanted to, could do what?
GRIFFIN: Eat every human on the planet.
SAGAL: That's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Isn't that great news? The report looks at how many spiders are estimated to be on earth - billions - multiplied by how much spiders eat - a lot. And they compared that to how many people there are. And basically all of human beings together would amount to no more than a spider amuse bouche.
BURBANK: So basically the spiders of the world could eat us but just they don't understand how greatly they outnumber us?
BURBANK: So I'd like to say thanks, Washington Post.
DICKINSON: Yeah, really.
SAGAL: Yeah. In other spider news from the same study...
BURBANK: Other spider news?
SAGAL: Oh, yeah, spider news. A hundred percent of homes surveyed have spiders in them, 100 percent, as do 68 percent of bathrooms and most likely your ear in the middle of the night tonight.
BURBANK: That is the ultimate cognitive dissonance. When you see a huge spider, you go to get something and then it's gone when you come back, like, with the tissue.
BURBANK: And then you know that you have to go to sleep because it will soon be dawn.
SAGAL: Yeah, I know.
BURBANK: And then you just tell yourself, I think it went to a different part of the house.
SAGAL: Exactly. It's nowhere near here. Bill, how did Mike do on our quiz?
KURTIS: He's a lawyer, so the verdict is unanimous, a win for Mike...
SAGAL: Congratulations, Mike.
GRIFFIN: Thanks, Peter.
SAGAL: Well done. And enjoy your swim to work on Monday.
GRIFFIN: (Laughter) Thanks, guys.
(SOUNDBITE OF JOHN BARRY'S "SMOKEY JOE")
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