Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Who's Counting; More from 44; and Where We're Going, We Don't Need Roads.
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Who's Counting; More from 44; and Where We're Going, We Don't Need Roads.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I hope you're not feeling ill, but I do hope you're feeling Bill.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you all so much. You're the wind beneath my wings. Thank you, everybody. We do have a fun show for you this week. Later on we're going to be talking to former CIA analyst John Nixon, the guy who, among other things, used to brief the president on foreign crises back in the days when that was done with words and not just a poop emoji next to a map of Korea.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first, this last week you probably knew was Take Your Child to Work Day. And that is a special day at NPR because last year an employee's kid - and this happened - threw a switch in a studio and took the entire network off the air for more than a minute. Great day. Great day. NPR has instituted policies to prevent this. Kids are not allowed near the switches. And the only way to take the network off the air is to pledge $1,000 or more.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: None of our kids want anything to do with us, so we're ready to go. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

TODD KOLLOFF: Hi, Peter. This is Todd calling from Cincinnati, Ohio.

SAGAL: Cincinnati? I love Cincinnati. Known as the Queen City, am I right?

KOLLOFF: That is correct.

SAGAL: Oh, I'm so proud of my trivia. What do you do there?

KOLLOFF: I test software for a living.

SAGAL: Do you really?

KOLLOFF: I really do. Yeah. I know most people don't think that's done at all, but...

AMY DICKINSON: Right.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Todd. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up is an author and humorist whose latest book is "Save Room For Pie." It's Mr. Roy Blount Jr.

(APPLAUSE)

ROY BLOUNT JR.: Hi, Todd.

KOLLOFF: Hi, Roy.

SAGAL: Next, she writes the advice column Ask Amy, and she is the author of the new memoir "Strangers Tend To Tell Me Things." She's appearing with Bill Kurtis at Chicago's Victory Gardens Theater this Sunday at 7 p.m. It's Amy Dickinson.

(APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: Hey.

SAGAL: And lastly, a man who'll be touring with his one-man show, "Do You Want To Buy A Minivan," as soon as his children finally leave home, it's Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM BODETT: Hey, Todd.

SAGAL: So you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them you will win our prize, the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?

KOLLOFF: I am ready. I am stoked.

SAGAL: Oh, I can tell. All right, your first quote is from an anonymous official talking about the lesson he has learned in 100 days on his job.

KURTIS: I kind of pooh-poohed the experience stuff when I first got here, but this [expletive] is hard.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: God, (laughter) what?

SAGAL: So it turns out the people doing what found out that the job is harder than it seemed?

KOLLOFF: Well, I'm guessing it has to do with the Trump administration.

SAGAL: It is the Trump administration.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KOLLOFF: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Basically the job is running the country.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This weekend marks the 100th day of the Trump administration, but you really have to measure it in dog years. Meaning it's still just 100 days, but he's been humping a lot of strangers' legs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: At the beginning - at the beginning of the week, President Trump realized he had kept none of his 100-day promises, so he demanded his people put out a tax plan and a health care bill before the end of the week. They're doing government like college kids pulling an all-nighter the night before the paper is due. It's why the tax plan begins, Webster's defines taxes as money paid to the government.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BODETT: It's true. The tax plan amounted to, like, seven bullet points.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: Just bullet points.

SAGAL: The president is also trying to get a vote on the health care bill by wooing the Freedom Caucus. They thought the first version, the one that failed, wasn't cruel enough to sick people, so in the new version each congressman who votes for the bill will get a picture of the family that they are depriving of health care.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And yet Montanus is great. It's like a whole thing to get you to sign up. You get monthly updates on their decline. Today, George contracted whooping cough. It's awesome.

DICKINSON: Oh, no.

BLOUNT JR.: I'm so tired of hearing about poor families. I mean, it's about time that there was a voice for kleptocrats in Washington.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, I've got to give you one charming note about the president of United States, that apparently he is discovered and has been delighted by the fact that he has a button on his desk that he can press. And when he presses it a steward comes in from the next room with a fresh glass of Coca-Cola for whenever he presses the button. He's so amazed by that.

DICKINSON: I know, but what if that's near the other button?

SAGAL: That's a problem.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Like...

SAGAL: Yeah, maybe what they did...

BODETT: That's how they train mice, you know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: What's been going on while I've been gone?

SAGAL: That was someone making his first appearance in public since leaving Washington in a helicopter back in January. Who was it?

KOLLOFF: Oh, that would be former President Obama.

SAGAL: That would be Barack Obama, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: You may remember him.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Since Inauguration Day, Democrats have yearned for Obama to lead the resistance, but all he's done is party with rich people. It's like everybody was waiting for the second coming of Jesus, and Jesus comes back and all he does is party with Richard Branson. And people are like, Jesus, what are you doing? And he's, like, hey, you know, walking on water is fine, but have you tried kitesurfing?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But on Monday, this last Monday, he appeared at the University of Chicago talking to a panel of young people, asking them questions about their lives. That's frustrating. If we wanted to hear teenagers talk about their problems, we would let them into bars.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We wanted to hear from the big guy. It's like the end of the movie when you finally get to the wizard who's going to give you the secret for slaying the ogre and all he says is the only magic you need is inside yourself. Thanks for nothing, wizard Obama.

BODETT: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Todd, we have one more quote for you. Here it is.

KURTIS: You can all stay home and oil your buggy whip while I fly to work.

SAGAL: That was a man commenting in The New York Times about something we all thought we would have by 2017 and it looks like we might finally get. What is it?

KOLLOFF: A flying car.

SAGAL: Yes, Todd.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The flying cars are finally here.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This week, companies associated with both Google and Uber revealed prototypes of flying cars. Finally, the future we wanted is here, and it is kind of dull. Have you seen these things? The Google one looks like a big piece of square fencing that you sit on with an engine under it.

BODETT: Yeah, you know, if you thought jet skis were annoying...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: ...You know, on the lake, can you imagine when these things take flight?

SAGAL: And they suck up so much battery power. All you're going to be able to do is fly to Walgreens just to pick up batteries.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: There's going to be a whole YouTube channel which is just hovercraft fails. You know, the high power line, you know, the office window.

DICKINSON: Seriously. We'll have to put, like, special decals on our - on office buildings so they won't fly in like a bird.

SAGAL: Exactly. Yeah.

BODETT: Yeah. You'll find them - you'll find them under your building window like those poor sparrows.

DICKINSON: I know. Seriously.

BODETT: Oh, the poor little guy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Todd do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He tested perfectly, 3 and 0.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Todd.

DICKINSON: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done. Thanks for playing.

KOLLOFF: Thank you.

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