Who's Bill This Time
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm the other bill Mitch McConnell wants to work on in secret...
KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis.
KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal. Chicago.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you. It's good to be back. It's good to be home in Chicago. It's great to see you. We have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to legendary comic Eddie Izzard. But first, we owe an apology to the Church of Satan. What happened? Last week, we said they had condemned President Trump.
In fact, all they had done was they put out a statement saying contrary to Internet rumor, that that weird orb that Trump put his hands on in Saudi Arabia, that was not, I repeat, not a satanic ritual.
SAGAL: They cleared that up. So we're sorry to the Church of Satan. We should have known. They are Satanists. They're not going to condemn Donald Trump.
SAGAL: At worst, they just consider him an amateur. We will be happy to apologize to you for whatever slight we have committed. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It is now time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
GRACE KEARNEY: Hi, this is Grace. I'm calling from Oakland, Calif.
SAGAL: Oh, Oakland? That's a great place. I love Oakland. What do you do there?
KEARNEY: I am the fortunate, lucky stay-at-home mom to the happiest baby in the entire world.
SAGAL: Really? You got it. All the other babies...
SAGAL: ...Miserable, crabby, complaining about working conditions. But your baby...
SAGAL: Yeah. Well, welcome to the show, Grace. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's the comedian that'll be performing at Hilarities comedy club in Cleveland on June 30 to July 2. It's Alonzo Bodden.
SAGAL: Next, it's the comedian and host of the "Old Black Magic And The Millennial" podcast available on iTunes. It's our old friend Brian Babylon.
SAGAL: Finally, making her debut on our show, it's the author of the book "You Can't Touch My Hair" and one of the hosts of the podcast "2 Dope Queens," it's Phoebe Robinson.
SAGAL: So, Grace, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this, Grace?
KEARNEY: I'm ready.
SAGAL: All right. Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: I can't imagine a more transparent and open process.
SAGAL: That was Texas Senator John Cornyn. He was talking about a bill that was developed in secret and then dropped on the Senate just days before only one party is going to try to pass it with a bare majority. What is that bill?
KEARNEY: It's the American Health Care Act?
SAGAL: You even know the name. Congratulations.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Actually, I think, if I'm not mistaken, that was the name for the House version. The Senate version was called and death shall reign upon you.
SAGAL: Seven years after he complained bitterly about how Obamacare was shoved down our throats, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell seems to have become really enthusiastic about legislative force-feeding. You see, people can change. Maybe he went to bed one night and was visited by the ghost of health care passed. He got up the next morning, runs outside, he found Tiny Tim and stole his crutch.
ALONZO BODDEN: That crutch was not covered under the new plan.
SAGAL: No, no.
BODDEN: That crutch was repossessed.
SAGAL: No, you have to understand how it works. He didn't lose a crunch, Alonzo. He gained the freedom to limp.
BODDEN: Yes, that's called physical therapy under the new plan.
SAGAL: It is, yeah. It is insane, among many other things, how much they turned about what they had said about the process. Before, with Obamacare, it was awful that the process wasn't public. Now it's cool. It used to be bad to pass major bills with only one party. Now it's great. Mitch McConnell used to get upset when you said he looks like a chinless owl.
BRIAN BABYLON: You know what? I find he looks like a chinless owl and one of those "Super Mario" turtles.
BODDEN: Peter, are you prepared with next week's apology to the chinless owl?
SAGAL: Now, the bill itself, as the president himself has said, is mean. It's really mean. How mean is it? It's so mean, it is printed on paper that is designed to give you paper cuts. And the Band-Aids aren't covered either.
BABYLON: Do you think - I mean, like, pound for pound, do you feel like these guys are, like, the super villains from a John Hughes movie from the '80s but, like, grown up?
BODDEN: Yeah, this was definitely - I mean, when you look at Paul Ryan...
BABYLON: Hey, hold on. That guy...
BODDEN: ...You're looking at a kid that got beat up every day.
BABYLON: Man, every day.
BODDEN: Actually, the first-string bullies wouldn't even beat him. They let the trainees work on him.
BODDEN: They're like, you're going to beat on Paul for a while. We'll move you up in a year.
SAGAL: Yeah. All right, very good, Grace. Here is your next quote.
KURTIS: I'm right here.
SAGAL: That was somebody in the White House responding to persistent rumors that he is soon not going to be there. Who is it?
KEARNEY: Is it Sean Spicer?
SAGAL: It is Sean Spicer.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Every day, reporters go to the White House primarily to see if Sean Spicer is still there or if he's been fired or even dismembered in a fit of presidential rage. It's like watching to see if there's a new pope, but the smoke is coming from a crematorium. Phoebe, do you watch the briefings at all? Have you made a habit of that?
PHOEBE ROBINSON: I watched, like, two of them and I just - it's so - I've never seen a white person in a suit be so terrible at something.
ROBINSON: Usually, it's, like, they nail it. And then you're just like, at every turn, he's just like, I don't know - the president said what he said. It's like, that's not a response.
BABYLON: But, you know, just to be just, I guess, fair and balanced...
ROBINSON: Always, Sean?
BABYLON: No, the job he has to do is banana town.
ROBINSON: No, but he's, like, not - I totally agree.
BABYLON: It's like, you have to...
ROBINSON: I totally agree. But he should behave like how Shaggy was in the "It Wasn't Me" video. Like, at least stand...
ROBINSON: Like, stand your ground. Have a conviction. You see - he just goes, like, I know I'm going to fail again and then I'm going to go back and Steve Bannon's going to yell at me. Like, this is embarrassing. It's horrible.
BABYLON: Because you don't know - when he goes back to that back room.
ROBINSON: No. He gets cussed out like "Real Housewives" style, like, just cussed out.
ROBINSON: It's crazy.
BODDEN: With Trump's habit of just plucking people at random and putting them in a job that's an important position that they've never done anything before, how is his spokesman not one of those late night used car guys...
BODDEN: ...On the - no credit, bad credit, come on down to the White House.
SAGAL: All right, Grace, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: We can't consummate a marriage until we've officially hooked up. This is not a Tinder relationship.
SAGAL: That was Whole Foods CEO John Mackey. He was speaking in a rather creepy fashion, actually, about his company being purchased by whom?
KEARNEY: Amazon guy?
SAGAL: Yes, the Amazon guy bought Whole Foods.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Last week, Amazon bought the entire Whole Foods corporation for $14 billion, which amazed everyone because people thought that for that money, all you could get at Whole Foods was, like, three bottles of extra virgin olive oil and some kale chips. Now, you might be wondering, why would a company that sells everything online want a chain of grocery stores?
And the answer is it's about Walmart. You see, Walmart is trying to become Amazon by selling more things online. So Amazon is now trying to become Walmart by having actual stores. You can tell that's their strategy because now every time you're at home, you log onto Amazon.com, an old person will jump out of your closet and say, welcome to Amazon.
BABYLON: The one thing I don't like about the Whole Foods is that they don't have Cap'n Crunch.
BABYLON: And if they don't have things that I'm used to, then I can't navigate the store. Like, if I don't see Cap'n Crunch or Uncle Ben or Mrs. Butterworth's, faces that I know...
BABYLON: ...Individuals that I know, I can't navigate.
ROBINSON: No, Brian, like, Whole Foods is supposed to be for people who can't, like, afford the goop lifestyle. It's for people like me. Like, that's why I go to Whole Foods is I want to be Gwyneth Paltrow, but I can't
SAGAL: I'm sorry, you just referenced the goop lifestyle...
SAGAL: ...Gwyneth Paltrow lifestyle.
ROBINSON: Yeah, it's, like, really, like - it's, like, faux, like, fancy-schmancy (ph), like...
BABYLON: Like, moon dust.
ROBINSON: And bee pollen and all this stuff.
SAGAL: And Whole Foods allows you to sort of get into that at what you consider to be a reasonable price?
ROBINSON: No, it takes all my money.
ROBINSON: But then I go - all my money. But I'm like, it's worth it for these seven almonds. It's worth it.
BODDEN: I'm going to take your lead, Brian. I'm going to go to a Whole Foods...
BODDEN: ...And I'm going to get on Amazon Prime and have them deliver Cap'n Crunch to me at the Whole Foods.
SAGAL: There you go.
BODDEN: Yes. I'm bringing it down.
BODDEN: I want some Cocoa Krispies in aisle 7. I'll be waiting.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Grace do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Grace was way ahead of us - got them all right.
SAGAL: Congratulations, Grace.
KEARNEY: Thank you so much.
(SOUNDBITE OF THE BEATLES SONG, "BABY, YOU'RE A RICH MAN")
NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.