Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Taxes Reducto," "N-F-Hell," and "Megyn Telly."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Taxes Reducto," "N-F-Hell," and "Megyn Telly."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Hey there, ancient Mesopotamians. Get ready for the "Epic Of Bill-gamesh" (ph). I'm Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Schuster Performing Arts Center in Dayton, Ohio, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you, guys. I'm not going to argue with you. We do have a great show today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Adam Scott, the star of "Parks And Recreation" and the new sitcom "Ghosted." But first we need to take a moment to celebrate a wonderful thing that happened just this week, which is that after years of dedicated protest the women of Saudi Arabia were finally granted the right to drive themselves.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yes. It seems so small, but it's a big deal. Of course, that's something that Hugh Hefner said would happen over his dead body. Anyway...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: For us, though, this means that in Saudi Arabia there will be a lot more people sitting in cars stuck in traffic with nothing else to do, which means more public radio listeners.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Welcome, ladies. By the way, since you're new to operating cars, let's just tell you there is no way to change the station.

(LAUGHTER)

MO ROCCA: Wait wait... don't fatwa me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Also, it is important that you pull over before you call to play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ERICA ARENSMAN: Hi, this is Erica from Virginia Beach.

SAGAL: Virginia Beach?

ARENSMAN: It's pretty nice. I like it a bit.

SAGAL: I know. What do you do there?

ARENSMAN: I'm actually working for a political campaign right now.

SAGAL: Are you really? So you're engaged in politics in 2017.

ARENSMAN: I know. It's very risky. But it's kind of fun.

SAGAL: I know. Is it more exciting than it used to be, or is it just abjectly terrifying all the time?

ARENSMAN: It's 50-50.

SAGAL: Excitement and terror. That's terrific.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian whose podcast "Who's Paying Attention" on the All Things Comedy network is now available on iTunes. It's Alonzo Bodden.

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the syndicated advice columnist behind "Ask Amy" and the author of "Strangers Tend To Tell Me Things." It's Amy Dickinson.

AMY DICKINSON: Hey.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And the correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of the "Henry Ford's Innovation Nation" Saturday mornings on CBS. It's Mo Rocca.

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: Hi, Erica.

SAGAL: Erica, you're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize, the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

ARENSMAN: I'm ready to play. Let's go.

SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is no surprise, it's the president.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I'm doing the right thing. And it's not good for me. Believe me.

SAGAL: That was the president talking about a new proposal which is very, very good for him. It's a plan to do what?

ARENSMAN: That would be the tax plan.

SAGAL: Yes, the tax plan.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: They're going to cut taxes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Since the GOP did so great with their health care repeal, they've moved on to quote, "tax reform," which is reform in exactly the same way decapitation reforms your haircut.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The plan was developed in secret by the quote, "big six," unquote. That's a group of prominent Republican financial experts, Gary Cohn, Paul Ryan, Montgomery Burns...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Scrooge McDuck...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And Scrooge Mnuchin.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: And they devised it all in the air flying in separate private aircrafts.

SAGAL: Yes, they did.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, if enacted, this tax plan would explode the deficit and actually raise taxes on lower earners while slashing them for the wealthy. But people aren't too worried about it. The Republicans have failed at everything they've tried to do so far this year.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So them saying they're going to do this is like your 5-year-old announcing he's running away again. And this time he means it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. It's like, yeah, he talks a big game. But, you know, little Paul Ryan always gets fussy if he's not home in time for his PB and J at 3:00.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: But isn't this the one thing that they can all agree on, screwing poor people?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: I mean, just across the board.

SAGAL: I don't think they know any poor people. This will probably benefit the president immensely. But we don't know that for sure because he still will not release his tax returns. To be fair, Trump probably thinks he's poor now. After all, he's been forced to live in a house where the toilets aren't even gold.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I think the best way to end this is for Barack Obama to say wow, I'm getting my taxes cut.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. For your next quote we're going to go...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We were going to go for your next quote with somebody who was thoughtful and pithy, but Bill's Trump impersonation is so good we couldn't resist.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Standing with locked arms is good. Kneeling is not acceptable. Bad ratings.

SAGAL: So that was the president tweeting with satisfaction about the effect his attacks have had on what?

ARENSMAN: NFL Fans.

SAGAL: Yeah, well NFL players. We'll give it to you. Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The NFL.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Last week, Donald Trump decided to whip up anger about those few football players who've been kneeling during the national anthem to protest police violence. And I actually, this is true, cannot say on the radio what he called them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Unlike what he said about Nazis - quote, "very fine people."

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: This - you know, this brings attention to an important issue because it's clear that Trump's CTE is much worse than we thought.

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's crazy how the president is splitting hairs about how we stand. Trump's, like, standing with locked arms, good. Kneeling, bad. Standing with one leg up in the air, good, especially all in a row. He loves the Rockettes.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Well, I was going to - actually, it's funny that you say that because when - with the Cowboys when Jerry Jones was locking arms...

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROCCA: I just - the locking arms thing, it really looks like they're going to go into a kick line.

DICKINSON: It does.

SAGAL: They really do.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Not the manliest move.

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: Yeah.

ROCCA: With the locked arms.

SAGAL: It's like, Jerry Jones says I just want to make a statement. One...

PETER SAGAL, MO ROCCA, AMY DICKINSON: (Singing) Singular sensation. Every little step...

DICKINSON: (Singing) ...She takes.

ROCCA: Ba-da-da-dum-dee-dum (ph).

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: You know, you have to understand the difference between Trump and the owners on this issue. When Trump calls football players SOBs, he's in Huntsville, Ala., surrounded by his followers and Secret Service.

SAGAL: Right.

BODDEN: Football owners in the room with actual football players - you're much nicer to them...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: ...When they're right there looking at you, you're...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: ...Yeah, I'm with you.

SAGAL: Yeah. Absolutely.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: One of my favorite things - The New York Times reported this week that the president believes he is quote, "in a culture war on behalf of his white, working-class base that was foisted upon him by former-President Barack Obama," unquote. This is nonsense because Donald Trump has never used the word foist in his life.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Except, of course, except when he was campaigning in Brooklyn, you know...

ROCCA: Right.

SAGAL: America foist.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: My foist lady. My foist lady.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: My foist lady.

SAGAL: All right. Erica, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: Is it true that you became gay because of "Will & Grace?"

SAGAL: That was a former Fox News host who made her debut on "The Today Show" this week. Who was it?

ARENSMAN: Megyn Kelly.

SAGAL: Megyn Kelly, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Ms. Kelly is a television pioneer. She's the first former Fox News employee to fail for a reason other than a sexual harassment scandal.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Her leap from Fox News to NBC has been tough. She says she's done with politics. She wants to quote, "unite people," unquote. Well, people are united. Now everyone believes that Megyn Kelly is not actually good at TV.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In her one - first week on the air she offended Jane Fonda. She had on the cast of "Will & Grace" and asked, as you heard, one of their fans if the show had made him gay.

ROCCA: That is - can I just say that it's so offensive, the idea that "Will & Grace" would make you gay. "CHiPs" maybe...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: ..."CHiPs" or "The Six Million Dollar Man."

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROCCA: But the idea of "Will & Grace" making you gay - you're already gay if you're watching it.

DICKINSON: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: They'll figure it out. They're just going to move her from the third hour to the seventh hour of "The Today Show."

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: That thing is longer than "Nicholas Nickleby" every day.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Erica do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She led us off great. What a winner. Erica, congratulations.

ARENSMAN: Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations Erica. Erica, thanks for playing.

ARENSMAN: Thank you very much.

(SOUNDBITE OF CAT STEVENS SONG, "MORNING HAS BROKEN")

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