Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Alabama Blues," "The Worst Wing," and "Safe Guacamole."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Alabama Blues," "The Worst Wing," and "Safe Guacamole."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hark, hear the Bills, sweet silver Bills.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: It's me - Bill Kurtis.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago - filling in for Peter Sagal, it's Mike Pesca.

(APPLAUSE)

MIKE PESCA, HOST:

Thank you. Thank you, jingle Bill. And thanks, everybody. We have got a great show for you today. NBC News correspondent Katy Tur is here talking about her memoir of covering the Trump campaign. It's called "Unbelievable," which Trump says describes everything coming out of (imitating Donald Trump) failing NBC News.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: I am Mike Pesca. I'm host of "The Gist." The big question - where's Peter? He has taken some time to reflect. You see, last week, we got dozens of complaints after panelist Paula Poundstone mocked cross-country skiing.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: And the cross-country skiers were mad. At first, we couldn't tell because that look of agony is pretty much the point of the sport.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: But they were. They stormed NPR's offices, but they were thwarted by the revolving doors.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Their complaining did not let up, which happens when you mess with a group with freakishly robust lungs. So to the cross-country skiers, we are sorry. And I think we can all agree luge is incredibly stupid.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: So let's talk to someone not boycotting us yet. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let us welcome our first listener contestant.

Hello, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JOANNE ROSENFELD: Thank you. I'm Joanne from Ukiah, Calif.

PESCA: Interesting. What do you do in Ukiah?

ROSENFELD: I'm a family doctor.

PESCA: What kind of - what kind of medicine?

ROSENFELD: Family practice, womb to tomb.

PESCA: Womb to tomb.

(LAUGHTER)

MO ROCCA: It's "West Side Story" - womb to tomb.

TOM BODETT: You try not to rush that along, I assume.

PESCA: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Now, Joanne, let's introduce you to our panel. First up, she's the host of the "Fake The Nation" podcast and the author of "How To Make White People Laugh," available wherever books are sold, which I believe is the Internet. It's Negin Farsad.

NEGIN FARSAD: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: Next, he is a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of the "Henry Ford Innovation Nation" Saturday morning on CBS. It's Mo Rocca.

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: Hi, Joanne.

ROSENFELD: Hi.

PESCA: Finally, we have an author and humorist who The Washington Post once referred to as other notable attendees, Tom Bodett.

BODETT: True story. Hello. How are you doing?

(APPLAUSE)

ROSENFELD: Fine. Thank you.

PESCA: Well, welcome to the show, Joanne. As you may have surmised, Bill Kurtis is a bit of a chameleon. Not only does his diet consist of insects and ficus leaves, but he also becomes other people. In this game, Who's Bill This Time, he will read you three quotes from the week's news. If you could correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize, the voice of anyone on our show on your voicemail. Are you ready, Joanne?

ROSENFELD: Yes.

PESCA: Excellent. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: "We've got to stop looking like idiots."

PESCA: That was NBA great and Alabama native Charles Barkley using tough love to inspire people to vote for whom this week?

ROSENFELD: The Democrat Jones.

PESCA: The Democrat Jones.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

PESCA: Yes.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BODETT: (Singing) Democrat Jones, Democrat Jones.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Old man Jones. Yes. On Tuesday, Doug The Democrat Jones...

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: ...Defeated Roy - Oh, God, Do We Really Have To Admit He's A Republican? - Moore in Alabama.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: And, you know, the vote was close, but it wasn't that close. It wasn't a difference of 10 or 14,000 votes. It was 21,000 votes. And 21 ain't 14, as Roy Moore can tell you.

(GROANING)

PESCA: And this goes go to show you - it does go to show you, if a Democrat can win...

ROCCA: Is it too soon? It's never too soon, really, for him, is it?

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: It does go to show - if a Democrat can win in deep-red state, Alabama, a Democrat can win anywhere that the Republican nominee is a racist, homophobic, twice kicked off the state Supreme Court, accused child molester.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: That's true. And there is hope in that.

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: You know, I guess I am so glad that that election is over. Now I used to have to take news breaks just, you know, to keep from getting stressed out. And lately, I felt like I had to take them to keep from getting an infection.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Roy Moore also immediately just said I refuse to concede. I think he wants to pursue a recount. Now, if he wants that, he's going to need a good legal team, and I know at least one of his lawyers might be busy with dreidel-related activities these next few days.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Did you see that as, you know, part of the mounting case to vote for Roy Moore? We have a Jew lawyer.

BODETT: Yeah, forward-looking.

ROCCA: Only one?

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: And you wonder why you lost.

ROCCA: How can he be against same-sex marriage with that vest?

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: No. I mean, I know it's not original to say, but it's so Gay Rodeo.

PESCA: Yeah.

ROCCA: It's so Gay Rodeo emeritus - like, somebody who competed in the bronco busting, like, in the '70s.

PESCA: That's right. The last time I saw someone wearing a vest, he had the Indian to the left of him and the construction worker to the right.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: It's not an anti-gay marriage look.

All right, Joanne, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: "I don't get to watch much television, primarily because of documents. I'm reading documents a lot."

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: That was someone insisting he doesn't have time to watch TV, despite reports he watches up to eight hours a day. Who is that someone, Joanne?

ROSENFELD: Trump.

PESCA: It is Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

PESCA: This week, thanks to a long article in The New York Times, we got new insight into the lifestyle of the president. He drinks 12 Diet Cokes a day. Only he can touch the TV remote. He sometimes stays in his pajamas until 10 a.m. Don't be appalled by that. This is good news. Are you upset that he wanders around in his PJs? He could sleep naked. Imagine getting that image out of your head.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I love that 12 Diet Cokes detail because it finally answers the question, how many Diet Cokes does it take to make you an existential threat to the country?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Now we know.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Yeah.

FARSAD: And he watches so much television. Like, he watches - but the funny thing is, like, he watches the most heinous kind of television - just, like, 24-hour news. Like, why doesn't someone introduce him to "The Crown"? You know what I mean? Like, why hasn't he binged - like, he would actually probably be a better president if he binge-watched something.

ROCCA: Seriously.

PESCA: Well, I heard he sleeps only four hours a night, and if he watched "The Crown," that would help with that.

(GROANING)

PESCA: I'm just saying the pacing, the pacing.

ROCCA: I love "The Crown."

FARSAD: Some people like "The Crown"...

ROCCA: How dare you? It is every son's responsibility to watch "The Crown" with his mother. And I do that. I binge-watched it with her. And you should, too.

PESCA: All right, here now - your last quote.

KURTIS: "You can consume it without using a knife, like a PowerBar for vegan weirdos."

PESCA: That was a review from Thrillist about what new item in the produce section, Joanne?

ROSENFELD: Can I have help?

PESCA: Yeah, yeah. I'll give you help. Take seedless grapes and marry them to guacamole, and you have something like this.

ROSENFELD: Some kind of knife.

PESCA: It's the antidote for knifeplay. It's a pitless avocado.

ROSENFELD: Oh, boy.

PESCA: Yeah, yeah, it's here.

FARSAD: (Laughter).

PESCA: People trying to cut avocados kept cutting themselves with knives, which is why I always carry a sidearm.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: So now scientists have developed the pitless avocado.

BODETT: Well, I don't even understand how you cut yourself because the pit gets in the way. I mean, the pit is the safety valve.

PESCA: It's actually a stopper.

ROCCA: Exactly, yeah.

BODETT: So now, people are going to be cutting their hands open because they're going to be expecting the pit.

ROCCA: A pit - they're going to forget.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: And I thought the pit was the best part.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: And everywhere you go now, it's like the avocado toast. It's like - I think McDonald's has it on their menu now.

PESCA: Yeah. Well, that is the problem with this because avocado toast - fine. We take away the pit, you're not going to hurt yourself with a knife. But the toast still requires a flame, does it not? The carnage will continue.

ROCCA: I don't understand, how will we grow more avocados if there are no pits?

PESCA: Exactly.

BODETT: These are the mules of the avocado now, aren't they?

ROCCA: Yeah.

PESCA: You've thought...

BODETT: Hard-working but doomed.

PESCA: I think you may have thought this one step further than the scientists did.

ROCCA: They're like the Shakers of vegan food.

BODETT: Yes, right. I mean, it's going to be all about recruitment. And...

PESCA: So it's like a "Handmaid's Tale" for avocados.

FARSAD: (Laughter).

PESCA: It's a dystopia. Have any of you guys seen what this thing looks like?

FARSAD: It looks like a pickle.

PESCA: Yes.

FARSAD: No, yeah. It looks like a cucumber. But the other thing is though that you're supposed to - you can eat the skin. So you don't need to use a knife ever.

PESCA: Yeah.

FARSAD: And also, you get that delicious hard exterior in your mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Wait, this is new. Like, they're eating...

BODETT: Oh, yeah, the flavor.

FARSAD: You can eat it. Like, that's one of the things. They genetically modified it so that you can eat it now.

BODETT: They've turned it into eggplant - another flavorless, formless substance covered by a hard edible rind.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: All right, Bill, how did Joanne do?

KURTIS: Dr. Joanne was right 2 out of 3 times, and that means she's in for a win.

PESCA: Thank you, Joanne.

(APPLAUSE)

ROSENFELD: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF PITBULL SONG, "TIMBER")

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