Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Amazon Crime;" "School's Out" and "A Taste of Beyoncé."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Amazon Crime;" "School's Out" and "A Taste of Beyoncé."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. March Madness is over, and the winner is Billanova (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: And here is your host at The Palace Theater in Columbus, Ohio - Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Well, thank you, everybody. Thank you. It is great to be back here in Columbus, Ohio, home to the Ohio State University.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: And it's important - you have to call it that to avoid confusion with an Ohio state university, which is...

(BOOING)

SAGAL: ...Outside of Toledo.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Later on, we're going to be interviewing the governor of the great state of Ohio, John Kasich. Now, given how much time he's been spending in Iowa and New Hampshire lately, we're going to try to stump him with questions about Ohio.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, sir, what exactly is a buckeye?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: First, though, it's your turn to play. Give us a call, win our prize - the voice of anyone on our show on your voice mail. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Now welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

PHIL TREUTEL: Hey, Peter. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Who's this?

TREUTEL: This is Phil, calling from Boone, N.C.

SAGAL: Boone, N.C.

(CHEERING)

TREUTEL: Yeah.

SAGAL: Not (imitating booing). Boone, Boone. Now...

TREUTEL: No, no, no, no, no, no.

SAGAL: No, no.

TREUTEL: As in Daniel Boone.

SAGAL: Oh, Daniel Boone. Now, what do you do there?

TREUTEL: I'm in school. I'm getting my master's degree. As a matter of fact, I passed the last round of my comprehensive exams today, which was very nice.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

TREUTEL: Thank you. Thank you,

SAGAL: What are you getting your masters in?

TREUTEL: Masters of Music in percussion performance. I'm a...

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: You just got your masters in drumming?

(LAUGHTER)

TREUTEL: Yes.

SAGAL: That's...

PETER GROSZ: That comes with a minor in parent disappointing.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We're glad to have you, Phil.

(LAUGHTER)

TREUTEL: I'm excited to be here.

SAGAL: We are. And let me start by introducing you to our panel this week. First up, an author and humorist whose latest book is "Save Room For Pie" - it's Roy Blount Jr.

(APPLAUSE)

TREUTEL: Hey, Roy.

ROY BLOUNT JR.: Hey.

SAGAL: Next, it's the feature reporter for the Style section of The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello. How are you?

TREUTEL: Hello. I'm good. How are you?

ROBERTS: I'm good.

SAGAL: And finally, a writer and performer who plays Mike Pence on "The President Show." It's Peter Grosz.

(APPLAUSE)

GROSZ: Hey.

TREUTEL: Hey, Peter.

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Phil. You are going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show that you may choose on your voicemail. You ready to play?

TREUTEL: I suppose I am.

SAGAL: You'd better be because here is your first quote.

KURTIS: I am right about them costing the post office massive amounts of money for being their delivery boy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was a slightly edited tweet from the president of the United States - one of five tweets he sent out this week just to attack what company?

TREUTEL: Amazon.

SAGAL: Yes, Amazon.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, because of course he did, the president started attacking Amazon on Twitter, saying crazy, false things about the great deal it doesn't actually get from the U.S. Post Office. Now, Trump does not really care about the post office. A stamp is one of the few things he hasn't tried to lick.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It's not about the post office. He just wants to punish Amazon because it's owned by Jeff Bezos, who also owns the Washington Post. And The Washington Post keeps publishing unflattering things about Trump, like photographs.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: All right. You're Amazon fans. I understand. Two-day free shipping - it's great. I can see that.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR.: There's something about starting out a statement with I am right when Lincoln didn't say, I'm right when I say fourscore and seven years...

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR.: ...Really said it - yeah.

SAGAL: Well, this is, as Trump says, modern-day presidential.

GROSZ: Yeah. It's presidential lite.

BLOUNT JR.: Is it...

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR.: Presidential itch.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: Presidential itch (laughter).

ROBERTS: I feel, as an employee of The Washington Post...

GROSZ: Ah.

ROBERTS: ...That I should confess that I do get free shipping from Amazon...

(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: ...After I spend $35 or more.

GROSZ: A scandal.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: It's an odd thing to attack. I can understand that it's, like, a bend-around to get to The Washington Post and to hit Bezos personally, but...

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: ...I think he's mad that they don't deliver giant, tall, stately women.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or maybe...

GROSZ: He thought Amazon was supposed to be, like, these Amazonian women who come in the mail.

SAGAL: Or maybe, Peter, it's that he doesn't actually know anything about the company. He just thinks that the Amazon is a place where, like, Mexicans live.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

GROSZ: Oh, they're delivering...

SAGAL: Yeah, yeah.

GROSZ: They're delivering immigrants in packages to our doorways.

SAGAL: They're not delivering their best packages.

GROSZ: No.

SAGAL: You know that. All right. Very good. Here, Phil, is your next quote.

KURTIS: If this were football, 50th place would not be OK.

SAGAL: That was from a sign held up by people striking in Oklahoma. Who are these people?

TREUTEL: They're not teachers, are they?

SAGAL: They are teachers, Phil.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: They're striking teachers in Oklahoma emulating the successful striking teachers in West Virginia. All over the country, teachers have had it with the low pay, the lack of necessary classroom supplies and putting up...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...And putting up with your obnoxious kids.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They want a pay raise, increased funding. And instead of apples for the teachers, kids have to bring whiskey.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, the Oklahoma teachers - and this is cool - the Oklahoma teachers were offered a raise, and they said no. We want a raise, and you need to increase classroom funding. One of them complained that their civics textbooks are so old that they still say Bill Clinton is president. Teachers, are you sure you want to change that?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And besides, every - you don't need new textbooks. Everybody knows the president isn't Bill Clinton. According to Fox News, it's Hillary Clinton.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It is strange, though, because Oklahoma, like a lot of states, have slashed taxes, and then they've slashed education funding. It's like they don't think that's important to have an educated populace. Pretty soon, people will be doing the musical, and they'll get to the big song, and they'll go, that's Oklahoma - O-K-L - ah, let me think.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: They just won't have enough money to finish the song.

SAGAL: Exactly.

GROSZ: (Singing) Oklahoma - OK, that's it.

ROBERTS: What is this educated populace you speak of (laughter)?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: More theoretical these days.

GROSZ: And what are the states where it's happening? It's Oklahoma, West Virginia and...

SAGAL: Oklahoma...

ROBERTS: Kentucky.

SAGAL: ...West Virginia and Kentucky. And in Kentucky, it's interesting - they're also striking, but they're doing it during Spring Break.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Which - and I don't mean to say...

GROSZ: So they're going to Florida for it?

SAGAL: I don't know what they're doing.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR.: They're a border state.

GROSZ: They're a border state as in, like, a northern-southern border?

SAGAL: Yeah. It's a Civil War reference.

BLOUNT JR.: It's a Civil War thing.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BLOUNT JR.: I've gotten over the Civil War.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR.: Don't get me wrong. But I still have a little...

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR.: ...You know - border states.

SAGAL: I know. Phil...

BLOUNT JR.: Ohio is not a border state.

SAGAL: Honestly, if Trump finds out it's a border state, he'll send the army there, so...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, Phil. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: Under no circumstances did I bite her, and if I did, it would have been a love bite.

SAGAL: That was actress Sanaa Lathan denying rumors - sort of - that she bit whom?

TREUTEL: Oh, was it Beyonce?

SAGAL: It was Beyonce.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

TREUTEL: Oh, my gosh.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Last week, the world was shocked when actress Tiffany Haddish said somebody she would not name bit Beyonce at a big Hollywood party. It took almost a week to solve the mystery, but it's been accomplished. I guess investigators had to wait for a full moon to see who Beyonce turned into.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It turns out that the biter at large, according to New York Post's Page Six - and they never get anything wrong - was the actress Sanaa Lathan from "Love And Basketball," who previously denied the allegations via tweet. But now, apparently, she's been busted. Now that the case is closed, Robert Mueller will return to his other job.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Can you imagine the - like, even if you did bite Beyonce, could you ever admit, like, I am the person who beat Beyonce? There's a kid that I went to elementary school with who, like, ate paper.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: That kid is the paper eater for the rest of his life.

SAGAL: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Can you imagine if you were the Beyonce biter?

SAGAL: Yeah, just like that old joke - but you bite one Beyonce.

GROSZ: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: But - OK.

SAGAL: You know that joke. Thank you very much.

ROBERTS: There are so many things that confuse me about this.

GROSZ: Yes. Who is Beyonce?

ROBERTS: No, I know...

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: ...Who Beyonce is. All right, but...

SAGAL: How does she taste? I don't know, but I know who to ask.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR.: My question is, who in the hell is Sanaa Lathan?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BLOUNT JR.: Why are there so many famous people I've never heard of?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I will tell you exactly who she is. She is the woman who bit Beyonce.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Do you think...

SAGAL: And that - and because of that...

(CROSSTALK)

ROBERTS: I was just going to say, do you think this is actually a good career move for her?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I don't know. I'll be right back. I'm going to go bite Jay-Z, I guess.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We'll find out.

BLOUNT JR.: We'll see.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Phil do on our quiz?

KURTIS: We're going to give Phil all three for a win.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That's two tests you passed today. We will give you your masters in news. Congratulations, Phil.

BLOUNT JR.: Ah, excellent.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BOOTYLICIOUS")

DESTINY'S CHILD: (Singing) Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? Beyonce, can you handle this? I don't think they can handle this. Better move 'cause we've arrived...

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