Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "My Attorney Rudy," "Non-Prime Real Estate" and "Eight Feet Under."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "My Attorney Rudy," "Non-Prime Real Estate" and "Eight Feet Under."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME! - the NPR News quiz. I've got thick skin. I'm an armabillo (ph).

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Bass Concert Hall of Austin, Texas, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks, everybody. Thank you, Austin. It's great to be back in Austin, especially before Texas invades and puts down the insurrection.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Later on, we're going to be talking to Austin's own Britt Daniel, founder of the band Spoon, about why...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And we're going to ask him why this city of all cities gets the best food and also the best bands. Apparently Austin sold their soul to the devil some years ago. But good news - when the devil came to collect, he looked around and said hey. And so he stuck around. And now he runs a vegan food truck.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: First though, we want to hear from you. Give us a call. Play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!

DEBBIE CURTISS: Hi, this is Debbie Curtiss. I'm calling from Medford, Mass.

SAGAL: I know Medford. That's why I'm pronouncing it correctly. What do you do there?

CURTISS: Well, I am a school psychologist. I'm working for the Asperger-Autism Network right now though.

SAGAL: Oh, really? That's good and important work.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And what do you do for fun in the beautiful, paradisiacal suburb of Medford, Mass.?

CURTISS: I read. I garden. I'm taking tai chi lessons. I am learning how to decorate cakes. I'm making tiny braided jewelry.

(LAUGHTER)

FAITH SALIE: She's a public radio listener.

SAGAL: I know.

(APPLAUSE)

CURTISS: Yeah, yeah. You caught me. I'm a tried and true NPR listener.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Don't be embarrassed. Take that tote bag off your head.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Debbie, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian performing at the Addison Improv in Dallas - you've heard of Dallas - May 10 through the 12 and the Houston Improv May 18 through 20. It's Maz Jobrani.

MAZ JOBRANI: Hi, Debbie.

CURTISS: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of "Science Goes To The Movies" on PBS - also, it has its own YouTube channel now. It's Faith Salie.

SALIE: Hi, Debbie.

CURTISS: Hi, it's nice to hear your voice.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And say hello to the host of the podcast TBTL and the public radio show Live Wire, which will be at the Alberta Rose Theatre in Portland, Ore., June 1. That's Luke Burbank.

LUKE BURBANK: Hey, Debbie.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Debbie, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to apply his magical pipes to three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, explain or identify just two of them. Do that - you'll win our prize, the voice of anyone you choose on this show for your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

CURTISS: I am.

SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is from the newest member of President Trump's legal team who started his service to the president with a real bang this week.

KURTIS: No, no, no. I'm not going to get fired (laughter). I don't think so, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who was that who, at least as of showtime, has not in fact been fired?

CURTISS: Is that Rudy Giuliani?

SAGAL: It is Rudy Giuliani.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: He's back.

SALIE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It takes a good lawyer to just defend a client but a truly great lawyer to go on TV and say their client is guilty.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's what's known in legal circles technically as the, yes, I did it - I did it, and I'm glad (laughter) - defense.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: You laugh, but this is a genius move.

SAGAL: How so, Luke?

BURBANK: Because like overnight Donald Trump was catapulted into the position of being not the craziest person in the White House.

SAGAL: It's true.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Think about what had to happen for that statement to be true.

SAGAL: I know. What Donald Trump should do is make Giuliani his vice president. That will...

BURBANK: One hundred percent - like, I'm going to use this approach in my life. Like, if my wife is annoyed that I am not, like, pulling my weight around the house helping with things, being caring, I'm just going to say, meet your new husband Gary Busey.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I should probably try to explain - insofar as it can be explained - what Giuliani did. Trump has constantly said he doesn't know anything about any payment his lawyer Michael Cohen made to Stormy Daniels. He had nothing to do with it. And then so on Wednesday, Giuliani goes on FOX TV and says, oh, yeah, the president paid the $130,000 to Stormy Daniels, so she'd shut up. Why did Giuliani do this? Apparently, they were worried about Michael Cohen getting prosecuted for an illegal campaign finance violation. Solution - admit the president paid him back. So instead of a campaign finance thing, it's a the president lied about paying off a porn star thing.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I also love how Giuliani said this is perfectly legal because he funneled money...

SAGAL: Yes.

SALIE: ...Through the law firm. And like, you guys - funnel. Funnel is never a verb you...

SAGAL: Yeah.

SALIE: ...Want attached to you - in college, in the White House, ever.

SAGAL: Yeah, it's just not a good...

SALIE: It's funneling.

SAGAL: ...Thing for innocent people to do.

SALIE: And then he...

JOBRANI: Unless if they're doing chemistry together.

SAGAL: There's like a whole bunch of guilty verbs. There's like funnel. There's whack. You just don't...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Do those things if you're innocent.

SALIE: And then Giuliani...

SAGAL: And then.

SALIE: ...Just keeps going. And so he's talking about Comey being perverted, right? And then Jared is disposable. And his...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: You know, I - he's like those hot air dryers in the bathroom. You know, they're supposed to clean up, but they just end up spewing hot feces everywhere.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's true.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We should also point out, before we leave the president, that there was a milestone this week amidst everything else that happened - that, according to the Washington Post, which has kept very careful count, this week the president uttered his 3,000th lie while in office, which is impressive.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Impressive. And, of course, Trump immediately announced, can you believe it? They say I just told my 5,000th lie.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote, Debbie.

KURTIS: Hi. Here's what we don't like in your city.

SAGAL: Now, that, as paraphrased by The Wall Street Journal, is what one company is saying to the many cities around the country, explaining why they won't build their new HQ there. What's the company?

CURTISS: That would be Amazon?

SAGAL: Yes...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Amazon.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Remember a while ago when Amazon announced they would be building a second headquarters in some city in America? And they invited all the cities to grovel and abase themselves before them, which they did. Now Amazon is calling the cities that didn't make the cut and telling them why.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hey, Scranton, thanks for trying Prime. Here's a free, two-day salt delivery right to your wound.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And it's so hard for these poor cities getting rejected on the phone call. They could hear Los Angeles giggling in the background.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Who did they reject recently? Do you know?

SAGAL: Well, let's - I'll give you an example. They rejected Detroit and Orlando. And what's interesting is that these cities apparently are eager to hear this because they want to improve. So in reaction to Amazon rejecting them, Detroit says they're going to invest more in public transit, and Orlando promises it's just going to try to be less clingy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: She was in the prime of her life.

SAGAL: Debbie, that was a scientist talking about the death this week of the world's oldest what?

CURTISS: Oh, the world's oldest what? I need a hint.

SAGAL: Well, they knew she was gone because there were just eight legs sticking in the air.

CURTISS: A spider.

SAGAL: Yes, the world's oldest spider died.

CURTISS: The world's oldest spider.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A trapdoor spider. I know. Do you guys need to take a moment before we go on because maybe you didn't know?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The trapdoor spider, age 43, passed away peacefully and, of course, creepily in her home in Australia. She is survived by 36 billion children and great-grandchildren.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Her name was number 16.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The scientists who looked after her had 44 years to come up with a better name. Ah, they ran out of time.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Wait, so scientists were studying her. That's how they knew her...

SAGAL: Yeah.

SALIE: ...Exact age?

SAGAL: Yeah. They had bred her, and she was just hanging out in this hole. It was a trapdoor spider waiting for food. For 44 years, they believed...

SALIE: Why didn't she weave something that said, help me?

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Natural causes?

SAGAL: Yeah. Well, you know.

SALIE: Yeah, 40...

BURBANK: Was it someone stomping on her (laughter)?

SAGAL: Well, the funny thing is, like, we mourn the death of this creature that we all would have killed instantly if it surprised us.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Well, that's the thing.

SAGAL: Ah.

BURBANK: I wonder if it was like the new scientist who didn't know. And, like you just said, the guy's like, ah, spider. And then he's the one. And they're like, George.

SAGAL: And they're like, number 16 - he just killed number 16.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: So in "Spider Man," the - what's his name? - Peter, right?

SAGAL: Peter Parker, traditionally. Yeah.

SALIE: He gets bitten by a spider, right?

SAGAL: By a radioactive spider.

SALIE: A radioactive spider - presumably, a young one. I mean, what do you think would happen if you got bitten by a 43-year-old spider?

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: You'd start Tivo-ing NCIS.

SALIE: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'm sorry. But a really old Spiderman would have to stand in front of an enemy waiting and like really pressing for the web to come out - like, ah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill - Bill, how did Debbie do on her quiz?

KURTIS: Little Debbie tells her friend she got them all right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Debbie.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Proud of you, Debbie.

SAGAL: Well done.

CURTISS: Yay.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "STEP ON")

ROWETTA: (Singing) He's going to step on you again. He's going to step on you. He's going to step on you again. He's going to step on you.

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