Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Coin Flip," "Dark Roastroom" and "House of Obamas."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Coin Flip," "Dark Roastroom" and "House of Obamas."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I know you're tired, LeBron. Pass the ball to me. I'm LeBill - Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, filling in for Peter Sagal - it's Helen Hong.

(APPLAUSE)

HELEN HONG, HOST:

Hello, hello. I know exactly what you're thinking. Where is Peter Sagal, and who the hell are you? I am guest host Helen Hong, and Peter is off this week in Singapore, where he was hired to be the entertainment at the North Korean peace summit.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Awkward. Somebody really should tell him. Later on, comedian and actor Retta from "Parks And Recreation" will be here to play the game. But first, it's your turn, so give us a call and play our games. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. I'm thrilled to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CHRIS MAIERHOFER: Hey, this is Chris calling from Syracuse.

HONG: Hi, Chris. How are you?

MAIERHOFER: Good. How are you?

HONG: What are you doing in Syracuse?

MAIERHOFER: Just, you know, waiting for it to snow again.

HONG: Ah.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Well, it's May now, so, you know, it'll be any second.

MAIERHOFER: That's right. Yep.

HONG: Well, Chris, it's great to have you with us. Are you ready to meet our panel?

MAIERHOFER: I couldn't be more excited.

HONG: Aw. First up, it's writer, performer and co-host of the forthcoming podcast, "Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone" - it's Adam Felber.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

ADAM FELBER: Hi there, Chris.

MAIERHOFER: Good to meet you, Adam.

HONG: Next, it's the comedian and the other co-host of "Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone."

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: You can catch her at the Chevalier Theatre in Medford, Mass. on June 23 - it's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: And finally, a comedian and the man behind the new Netflix special "Warn Your Relatives" - my old buddy from New York, Hari Kondabolu.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: Chris, I am pumped - pumped, I tell you - for you to play Who's Bill This Time, where Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize - any voice from our show you choose on your voicemail. Are you ready?

MAIERHOFER: That sounds fantastic.

HONG: All right. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: This is a total goat rodeo.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: That was arms control expert Jeffrey Lewis on Thursday giving his view of the U.S.' relationship with whom?

MAIERHOFER: You know, I'm not positive, but I really feel like North Korea could be that answer.

HONG: That is correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HONG: Great job.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: The U.S.-North Korean peace summit fell apart this week, guys. When they found out about this, the folks on the Nobel Peace Prize Committee moved President Trump's nomination from the never going to happen pile to the never, ever going to happen pile.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: But it is not all bad news. Before things collapsed, the White House minted a coin commemorating the summit. It's really nice. Have you guys seen this? One side shows Trump and Kim. The other side shows a cart in front of a horse.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: And the cart is filled with unhatched chickens.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Have you guys seen this thing?

FELBER: I've seen this thing. And what are they going to do with it now? And also, if any of you are wondering what the future of Bitcoin looks like.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: They - actually, I heard the website where they sell it went down.

HONG: Yes.

POUNDSTONE: Because so many people - after they - because now it's a collector's item even more.

FELBER: Yeah. It's an upside-down plane on a stamp now.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, exactly. So now it's - once they screwed it up, it's more valuable, which may have been the plan the whole time.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: It may have been a backdoor way for Trump to make more money.

HONG: Yes. I...

HARI KONDABOLU: The weird thing is, without the summit, it's more likely that there'll be a nuclear war that ends everything, meaning that the coin is worthless.

(LAUGHTER)

KONDABOLU: Oh, that's ironic. We're all going to die.

HONG: Oh, that's hilarious - hilarious.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: My dad, who is a South Korean immigrant, actually called me and asked me if I have a hookup to get a handful of the coins. I'm assuming...

FELBER: (Laughter).

HONG: ...That - because if South Korea does go up in flames, he has a physical item that he can throw on the floor and spit on and stomp on angrily.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I love it that your dad thought that because you work on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: ...That you had access to the White House gift shop.

HONG: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I was, like, Dad, you should see what it's like here. Like, there's barely chairs.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: It's public radio, Dad.

KONDABOLU: Can I just ask, does anybody - all due respect to the military expert, but does anybody get the goat rodeo thing?

FELBER: Yeah. That's made up, right?

KONDABOLU: That's - there's no such thing.

FELBER: I mean, I guess it's like herding kittens, right? Or like, you know, a sack full of squirrels. It's supposed to connote chaos, I guess?

HONG: Yeah.

FELBER: Or just a bad rodeo, or...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: So wait, let me get this straight. You've never been to a goat rodeo?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I always feel so stupid when I'm on the bill with all these intellectuals. And then, this one time, there's something I know about.

FELBER: You've been to a goat rodeo?

POUNDSTONE: Of course I've been to a goat rodeo.

FELBER: What's it like?

POUNDSTONE: I grew up in a small town in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me - goat rodeo?

FELBER: I'm not kidding you.

POUNDSTONE: It's synonymous with the...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: All right, Chris. Here is your next quote.

MAIERHOFER: All right.

KURTIS: We're going to give people the key, but we don't want them to become a public bathroom.

HONG: That was a company announcing a new policy. You don't have to buy anything to use their restroom. Who was it?

MAIERHOFER: I think it's those guys from the West Coast. They're a real small, artisanal place - Starbucks.

HONG: Correct, Starbucks.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

HONG: Great job, Chris. Starbucks is open for business, guys - your business.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: The policy says, quote, "any person who enters our spaces, including our restrooms, regardless of whether they make a purchase, is considered a customer." That seems nice. But maybe this is a brilliant ploy to make bathrooms so disgusting that no one will actually want to use them anymore. You're going to be like, hey, barista. Make my Americano with an extra shot - a hepatitis shot, am I right?

POUNDSTONE: Well, maybe it is a way of getting more customers so that when people come in and use the bathroom, and they can really tell that their intention was just to use a bathroom and leave, that they just knock on the door. They go, can we get you a coffee? Do you want a coffee?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: It's 'cause they're vulnerable at that point.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Look, I'm a parent. I go around with kids who need to use the bathroom all the time. And I can tell you that this is an existing policy. I have frequently gone into Starbucks to use the bathroom without buying anything. All you have to be is polite and white.

HONG: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Exactly. That is exactly right.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: It's true.

FELBER: It's politics.

HONG: It's true because, ostensibly...

FELBER: Not so complicated, people.

HONG: Yeah.

FELBER: Sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Because ostensibly, Starbucks is doing this bathroom policy in response to the uproar after two men - two black men in Philly were arrested for asking to use the bathroom while waiting for their friend before ordering, which I don't think the problem was the bathrooms, Starbucks. I think...

FELBER: (Laughter).

HONG: ...The problem was your racism.

KONDABOLU: Do you know when I knew that Starbucks was racist? It's when they introduced that blonde roast.

(LAUGHTER)

KONDABOLU: Explain that to me. Why does coffee need to be blonde all the sudden?

(LAUGHTER)

KONDABOLU: Does it have Aryan blood in it? Why is it the - originally, apparently they want to call it the master roast, but...

(LAUGHTER)

KONDABOLU: ...It didn't test well, so they went with the blonde roast.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, in fairness to Starbucks, they did have a day where they did race sensitivity training, so that should be all taken care of by now.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: All right, Chris. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: I'll read the Bible instead.

HONG: That was one of many people declaring they'd boycott Netflix after the company announced a big production deal with whom?

MAIERHOFER: Would that be the first African-American president of the United States of America?

HONG: That is true. Yes.

MAIERHOFER: All right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HONG: And the first lady.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: Barack and Michelle Obama - this week, the Obamas signed a massive, multi-year deal for both scripted and unscripted content for Netflix. We were all wondering what Obama would do next, and this is it? Jimmy Carter is 200 years old and still building houses for poor people.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: And Obama is using his powers to convince Jennifer Aniston to do a "Friends" reboot?

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Netflix has not revealed exactly what shows the Obamas will be producing, but at this point, if it's just six hours of Bo the dog licking his own nuts, half of America will watch it.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Did you guys hear about this?

FELBER: Oh, yeah.

POUNDSTONE: No, what?

(LAUGHTER)

KONDABOLU: No, not the nuts part, the...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Oh.

KONDABOLU: ...The Obama deal part.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, I heard about the Obama deal.

HONG: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: But that's not what piqued my interest.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Bo the dog?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. So my dog had an injury, and they gave me - you know, he had surgery, and then they gave me pain pills for him. And I was just like, he doesn't need pain pills. He can lick his own [expletive].

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: He administers his own pain medication. He's...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I heard...

POUNDSTONE: Do they know nothing about animals at the vet?

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I heard that's just as addictive as opioids.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. Yeah. But the clinics are more interesting.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Bill, how did Chris do on the quiz?

KURTIS: Chris is hot. He got all three right.

POUNDSTONE: There you go.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: Congratulations, Chris.

(SOUNDBITE OF IAN BERNHARD'S "INQUISITIVE TANGO")

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