Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Courting Controversy," "Hog Wild" and "Hot Topic."
NPR logo

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/624919100/624947360" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/624919100/624947360" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Courting Controversy," "Hog Wild" and "Hot Topic."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm just a legendary anchorman looking for his anchor baby...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. Good to be back in Chicago. We've got a very fine show for you today. Later on, we'll be talking to Fabien Cousteau, the grandson of the famed Jacques Cousteau. Fabien continues his grandfather's work as an ocean explorer and has discovered just this year at least 18 new species of plastic bottles.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But now it's time for you to make some discoveries. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MARTHA PEROSKI: Hi, Peter. My name is Martha Peroski, and I'm from Portland, Maine.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Portland?

PEROSKI: They are really rainy and foggy right now.

SAGAL: Well, you knew that when you...

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Really?

SAGAL: ...Moved there.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: No. No, that's...

PEROSKI: Unfortunately, yes.

POUNDSTONE: No, that's Portland, Ore. But Portland, Maine's not always rainy and foggy.

PEROSKI: No, sometimes we have snow, too.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Martha, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's a comedian and host of the podcast "Fake The Nation." You can see her live on July 20 in Charlottesville, Va., headlining the Boycott Bigotry Show. It's Negin Farsad.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a comedian who'll be performing at the Garde Arts Center in New London, Conn. on August 10 - it's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Thank you.

SAGAL: And, finally, joining us for the first time, it's the comedian and head writer on "Live From Here" with Chris Thile and author of the new book "My Dad Stole Your Rake" - it's Tom Papa.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM PAPA: Hello.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Martha. You're going to start us off, as our first caller always does, with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. Your job, of course - correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, and you win the voice of anyone on our show you might like for your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

PEROSKI: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: All right. For your first quote, here is the president of the United States paying tribute to a man who announced his retirement this week.

KURTIS: Justice Anthony - well, you know who I'm talking about.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That man was pretty important, even if the president could not quite remember his name.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Can you?

PEROSKI: Anthony Kennedy.

SAGAL: Yes. Justice...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Anthony Kennedy.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yeah. Just when we thought we were all going to have a quiet, relaxing summer talking about babies in cages, now it's going to be stressful.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Justice Kennedy announced his retirement, giving President Trump another Supreme Court seat to fill. Along with Justice Gorsuch, it'll give the Republicans a very solid 5-to-4 advantage, which means, somewhere, Mitch McConnell just googled the phrase, how does one smile?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, I had totally - so many things have happened since...

SAGAL: Yes.

POUNDSTONE: ...There's been such a, you know, sort of relentless - you know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, we know.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. It was sort of like when my cats first started territorial peeing in my house.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, the first couple times it happened, I was upset.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: And then, after that, it just - you know, you just knew to not go anywhere without a damp cloth.

SAGAL: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And you also know that, this week, Kennedy said goodbye to the court with a decision upholding President Trump's travel ban. The liberals on the court, of course, were outraged. Sonia Sotomayor read her dissent in the travel ban case from the bench and was so angry that Nina Totenberg had to spend most of Wednesday learning how to curse in Spanish.

(LAUGHTER)

NEGIN FARSAD: Can I just say as the Muslim on the panel, who I'm sure is threatening all of your securities right now...

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Why do you assume that?

FARSAD: (Laughter) I'm just...

PAPA: You're totally right. You're totally right.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I'm actually just, like, casually enriching uranium behind the...

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: ...Table right now. That's what that...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yeah. But, please, as you said...

FARSAD: Not to brag - I'm from one of the travel ban countries, Iran - what's up? And...

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: And I think - you know, and it's kind of - it's, like, nice that - it's, like - kind of feel - it makes me feel special that we're, like, singled out in this way. But I feel like, next time, can we just get flowers? Like, this is too much.

SAGAL: Really.

FARSAD: You know?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We shouldn't have gone to all the effort of totally stigmatizing your entire country at large. Well, we...

FARSAD: (Laughter) Indeed.

SAGAL: You know, we meant well - is all I'm saying.

FARSAD: Well, thanks.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote. And, yeah, it's him again.

KURTIS: I've done so much for you, and then this.

SAGAL: That was for real - the president of the United States. He was tweeting at a company that hurt his feelings so much he doesn't know what he'll do.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What's the company?

PEROSKI: Oh. I think I need a hint.

SAGAL: Well, I mean, it means he might have lost the Hells Angels vote.

PEROSKI: Oh, of course - Harley-Davidson.

SAGAL: Harley-Davidson.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Harley announced this week that, in response to the trade war that President Trump started, they would move production out of the country. And, with American jobs in jeopardy, Trump immediately sprung into action and wrote a tweet about how that hurts his feelings.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's weird that they're not getting along. President Trump and Harleys have so much in common. They're overweight. They're loud. And Stormy Daniels doesn't enjoy riding either of them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: On Thursday...

POUNDSTONE: You know...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I did tell you. I did tell you before that I have an Aunt Stormy, didn't I?

SAGAL: No, I don't think you've ever mentioned that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's not the same one?

POUNDSTONE: I don't think it is.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Is she still around? Because she'd be...

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...Thrilled that...

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...She gets...

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: There's another...

POUNDSTONE: I think...

SAGAL: ...Stormy in the news.

POUNDSTONE: You know, I'm sure, like, every time she, you know, goes someplace, and people say her name, like, she's excited that they've mistaken her temporarily...

SAGAL: Yeah, I'm sure.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...For Stormy Daniels. No, honestly, if my aunt had slept with Trump...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...She would've asked for more money.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

PAPA: My father has a Harley. And I can say with confidence, if you want to connect with him, don't talk about feelings.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Like, tweeting to the Harley community about feelings - it's just not going to get you very far.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: I remember once I said to my father, dad, I love you. And he said (grunting).

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: And I cried because I knew that was as close as he was going to get.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Martha, for your final quote, we have a question. It's actually the most popular question.

KURTIS: How do I boil an egg?

SAGAL: Now, according to data just released, that is the number one question that people ask of what?

PEROSKI: Google.

SAGAL: Not quite. You have to actually ask it out loud.

PEROSKI: Oh, Alexa?

SAGAL: Yes. Alexa...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...And other smart speakers.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So this is what's gone on. People all over the country and the world have welcomed into their homes these devices they don't understand that listen to everything they say and report it all back to this shady company. But it's worth it because it explains the mysteries of life to us - like how to boil an egg.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That is the most common question people ask Alexa and other smart speakers. The second most popular question is, do you love me?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And the third most popular question is, are you sure you don't?

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: These are also the three most popular questions asked in strip clubs.

SAGAL: Yeah, that's right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The most popular question in strip clubs is, how do you boil an egg?

PAPA: How do you boil an egg?

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: It starts there.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Do you love me?

POUNDSTONE: In the little bit of work I've done in strip clubs...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...What I do is I have tattooed on my upper thigh instructions for boiling an egg.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Saves time.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: You know, back in the day, you would have called your Aunt Stormy, and you would have been, like...

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: ...How long does it take to boil an egg, you know? She...

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: And then you hear Trump in the background going, get off the phone.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Martha do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Martha, you got a perfect score...

SAGAL: Congratulations...

KURTIS: ...3 and 0.

SAGAL: ...Martha.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Wow, she was good.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Martha.

PEROSKI: Thank you guys so very much.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SUPERFLY")

CURTIS MAYFIELD: (Singing) Oh, yeah.

Copyright © 2018 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.