Limericks Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks ...Thin Winter Months, Fido, Forgive!, An Ugly Is Forever
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Limericks

Limericks

Limericks

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Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks ...Thin Winter Months, Fido, Forgive!, An Ugly Is Forever

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank - but first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming show in Milwaukee, Wis. on August 30.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ELLERY SEITHER: Hi. My name's Ellery. I'm calling from San Francisco, Calif.

SAGAL: Oh, how are things by the bay?

(APPLAUSE)

SEITHER: Oh, they're good. It's a really nice day for the summer.

SAGAL: I'm so glad to hear it. So it's freezing. And...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What do you do there?

SEITHER: I graduated from college a year ago now, so I just got a job at a marketing consulting firm.

SAGAL: Yeah. What did you major in in college? What's your degree in?

SEITHER: Oh, I majored in art and art history.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Really.

SEITHER: (Laughter).

PAULA POUNDSTONE: You know, remember Renoir's "Girl With a Hoop" and "Girl With A Bucket (ph)?"

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know those paintings?

SEITHER: (Laughter) Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Was that his daughter?

SEITHER: I don't know (laughter).

(LAUGHTER)

ADAM BURKE: She had one chance to use it...

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

POUNDSTONE: Four years of college. There you go.

SAGAL: Ellery, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each of them. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Ready to play?

SEITHER: Yep.

SAGAL: Here we go. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: I am skinny and lithe as a sprinter 'cause the frost is a good gene imprinter. Dad took off his fleece. Now I wont be obese 'cause my parents conceived me in...

SEITHER: Winter.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A new scientific study indicates that if you have sex in the winter, the children you might conceive are going to be at a lower risk for obesity. Now, I stress the conception part. If your children are already born, it will not help.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Unless they walk in on you, in which case they'll lose their appetites. So yeah - it works out either way.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: Isn't that amazing? Apparently, sex in cold weather produces a certain kind of tissue which gets passed on to your offspring and helps fight obesity.

BURKE: Real quick, speaking of conception, Bill, can you say your opening line where you said, hey, there ovaries again? Could you say that...

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Say it again.

KURTIS: Hey there, ovaries.

BURKE: I just feel like that is the greatest fertility treatment known to man.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Seriously...

FAITH SALIE: Bill is an ovary-achiever.

SAGAL: Three million women just immediately started ovulating.

SALIE: Yeah.

BURKE: That's good.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, they better not have. They're going to have fat kids.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, Ellery - here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Like us humans, our dogs like to judge. Once they're slighted, they balk and won't budge. Since they don't live in packs, they'll just keep talking smack. Wolves forgive, but a dog holds a...

SEITHER: Grudge.

SAGAL: Yes. Dogs hold...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Grudges. Researchers studied the difference between how dogs and wolves make up with each other after a fight, and it turns out that modern dogs find it much harder to forgive their friends, with one petty bitch in the study saying, quote...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Saying, quote, I don't like Lassie. Too proud - she thinks he can see color.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So this is interesting because wolves, it turns out, they live in packs, so they have to learn to forgive each other after fights. But dogs just live with us, so they just learn to use pouty eyes as psychological warfare.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: That makes sense to me that dogs, like, have a sense of retribution, you know.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURKE: And then cats are just [expletive] for no reason.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: A cute princess deserves a cute king. Since I'm not, wealth may soften the sting. I'm about to propose so the carat count rose. 'Cause I'm ugly, I'll need a big...

SEITHER: Ring.

KURTIS: Correct.

SAGAL: Yes. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: According to a study by Western Oregon University, the size of an engagement ring that women expect is related in inverse proportion to their partner's looks - meaning the less attractive the man, the bigger and more expensive the ring.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Oh, Jesus...

SAGAL: Men with faces made for radio...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Need to buy a huge rock. But if he's a 10, he can propose with a Funyun.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Wow.

BURKE: I'm going to have to hit up the IMF for a loan.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Ellery do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Ellery did just great with all three right. Now you can get out of the streets, Ellery.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Ellery.

SEITHER: (Laughter).

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing.

SEITHER: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)")

BEYONCE: (Singing) All the single ladies.

UNIDENTIFIED SINGERS: (Singing) All the single ladies.

BEYONCE: (Singing) All the single ladies. Now put your hands up. Up in the club, just broke up, I'm doing my own little thing.

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