Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Putin Your Foot in Your," "Prime Disaster" and "Milk Duds."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Putin Your Foot in Your," "Prime Disaster" and "Milk Duds."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. And the witch hunt - there's no Bill-usion (ph).

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here's your host at the Wolf Trap National Park for the Performing Arts in Vienna, Va., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you all so much. We are delighted to be back at Wolf Trap. It's a performing arts center about 15 miles from downtown D.C., which our audience, who comes from there, probably thinks is a pain. But we say that's about as close as we want to get.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There also, happily, is a river between us and the White House. That's an extra layer of protection. But when the president finds out that later on in this show, we'll be talking to former FBI Director James Comey, watch for him to swim across the Potomac with a knife in his teeth.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We're guessing that will take a little while, given his level of training. So while...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...We're waiting, give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

TYLER CROW: Hi. This is Tyler calling from Washington, D.C.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You're just across the river.

CROW: Yes.

SAGAL: I mean, why aren't you here with us?

(LAUGHTER)

CROW: Well, you know, commuting's tough.

SAGAL: I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Tyler. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian who will be performing standup and screening her short film "Curious Georgina" at the Just For Laughs comedy festival in Montreal July 26 to the 28. It's Helen Hong.

HELEN HONG: Hey.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of "The Henry Ford's Innovation Nation" on CBS Saturday mornings. It's Mo Rocca.

MO ROCCA: Hi, Tyler.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally, it's the comedian and the host of a podcast, "Who's Paying Attention?," on the All Things Comedy network. It's Alonzo Bodden.

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, Tyler.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Tyler, you probably anticipated this, but you're going to help us start our show with the game we call Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, right here, is going to perform for you three quotes from the news. Your job, explain or identify just two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize - the voice of anyone you might choose from our show on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

CROW: Ready. Let's go.

SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is from the director of national intelligence, Mr. Dan Coats.

KURTIS: That's going to be special.

SAGAL: That was Dan Coats.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He is the director of national intelligence reacting, with surprise, live on stage on Thursday, to news that President Trump wants yet another meeting with who because the first went so well?

CROW: Vladimir Putin.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It is absolutely stunning. After a summit in Helsinki this week that went so horribly people were openly wondering if the president was committing treason, Trump invited Putin to come visit the White House again in a couple of months. Nobody's even sure where Trump will be then. But it's cool. He gave Putin a key.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: It is the fall. Is it for Putin's campaign swing?

SAGAL: I don't know.

BODDEN: You know...

HONG: He is so in love with Putin. It's weird. And he's so enamored with him because he keeps saying, he's very strong. He's very strong. Well, so is bleach.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: So is uncut heroin.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: It might be that most people thought it was treason, and he just wants to convince that final group.

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROCCA: Right. Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There's some people out there who still trust me.

ROCCA: The diehards.

BODDEN: Yeah.

ROCCA: The diehards.

BODDEN: They're the few who haven't caught on. And I'll show them.

SAGAL: We need to go over this. On Monday, which feels like a hundred years ago, Trump was standing next to Putin at this bizarre joint press conference. And Trump basically said, to summarize, that he liked Putin. But then Tuesday, he said, no, he misspoke. What he meant to say was he, like, hates Putin.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Then Wednesday, he said, no, he, like, hates to go one minute without Putin. Then Thursday, he insisted there's no such thing as Thursday.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: The would-wouldn't thing is such a ridiculous - like, don't you think at this point, Melania is like, you know, when I said, I do...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, that's the funny thing.

HONG: ...No.

SAGAL: We've all seen it. He decided, after he got so much grief, even from Republicans, that he had to somehow make it better. He came up with this bizarre notion that when he said he would take Putin's word, no, he really meant to say wouldn't.

And so he was like - he went out, but he couldn't stick the landing, right? He said, quote, "I accept our intelligence community's conclusion that Russia's meddling in the 2016 election took place." And then he said, it could be other people, too.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Every time he says that, there's some 400-pound guy in a basement on a computer...

ROCCA: In New Jersey.

BODDEN: ...Saying, you're going to hang this on me, too.

SAGAL: Yeah. I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And this is the crazy thing. He said that he realized his mistake when he was reviewing the transcript of the press conference. And everybody was like, yeah, right.

ROCCA: Yeah.

SAGAL: This is where we are as a nation, that it is easier to believe that the president of the United States is an operative for a foreign government than it is to believe he read a four-page document.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Tyler, let's move on. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: It's bigger than ever.

SAGAL: That was from a company that was covering up a pretty bad business day they had, actually on Tuesday. What company is it?

CROW: Oh, gosh.

SAGAL: They actually name the day.

CROW: Oh, Amazon.

SAGAL: Yes, Amazon.

CROW: It was Prime Day, right?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: It was Prime Day. Prime Day is here. Prime Day is here.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That's the day when members of Amazon Prime impulsively buy absolutely useless crap they will never use. I know. What makes this day different from all other days?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, this time, the useless crap is a dollar off. But this is the thing. So they promoted Amazon Prime Day. It's going to be the biggest ever. And they weren't ready. People logged on, soon as the day began, and the site crashed. Instead of products, people got an error message with a picture of an adorable dog on it. I'm sorry, here's a dog. And everybody yelled, fine, how much is the dog?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In a statement after this all went kablooey, the company said, you know, referencing the dogs, it wasn't all a walk in the dog park. We had a ruff (ph) start.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: To which people all across America said, Alexa, set yourself on fire.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Mine just gave me a message saying, you may also like Black Friday.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I want Optimus Prime Day.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: And almond doesn't lactate.

SAGAL: That was the head of the FDA, Scott Gottlieb, announcing a new rule that you can no longer sell products called what?

CROW: Can you give me another hint? Is that OK?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, if an almond did lactate, it would give...

CROW: Milk.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: They have decided - your government at work...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...All those nut milks - almond milk, soy milk, cashew milk - anything that does not come from an actual animal can no longer be called milk according to the FDA. Nut milks have become more and more popular. And apparently, the FDA got mad at nuts for lying about their cleavage.

ROCCA: But wait.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: What if you get the cow to eat the almonds first?

SAGAL: That could work.

This week, FDA head Scott Gottlieb announced that he will ban the use of the word milk in products that aren't actual dairy milk. Well, Farmer Joe, at least you don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to milk the pistachios anymore. What people are saying is that this is due to political pressure from the dairy industry, or as I guess we now need to call it, the mammal milk industry. They don't want people fooled into buying, like, hazelnut milk when they could have the natural goodness of - and this is how the FDA will define what you can now call milk - quote, "the lacteal secretions of a bovine mammal," unquote.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yummy.

SAGAL: Lacteal secretions, it does a body good.

ROCCA: What about...

BODDEN: What day does this take effect that you could no longer title these alternative...

SAGAL: It's a rule they're going to impose in the next few weeks. And then presumably, by next year...

BODDEN: I just wonder what day it's going to be 'cause that's the day that every coffee shop in California will close.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There's nothing left. No, you can still sell them, but you just can't call them milk. And we don't know what they're going to call them.

ROCCA: Nut juice.

SAGAL: Nut squeeze.

ROCCA: Nut squeeze.

SAGAL: Almond-ade (ph).

BODDEN: Oh, somehow, I don't think nut juice is a big seller.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Well, I don't know. We have to test it out first. Don't jump to conclusions.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I just don't see that one flying off the shelves.

HONG: I'm not buying it.

BODDEN: I'm just saying, I'm not ordering it.

HONG: I have been on Tinder too long to fall for that one again.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Tyler do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He got all three right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Tyler, thank you so much for playing our game. Congratulations.

CROW: Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

CROW: Have fun, guys.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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